What have I become, exactly?

I have put on so much weight... At least seven pounds in the past month. I can't believe what I see in the mirror... I am absolutely hideous...

I haven't been this depressed in years. Nothing feels okay...

I don't know what to do...but I can't be ... This.

How can I be numb AND so very sad simultaneously?


I just want to sleep forever.

A supposedtabe quick update...

To all of you who have provided for me your email addresses: thank you. :) I'd like to leave this public for a few more days so as to allow anyone who may have missed my last post to give me their addresses... I don't want to leave anyone out who wants to continue following me. Then again, I assume that anyone who really holds that interest in earnest will find a way to contact me via the rest of you, should they find themselves unable to view my blog after I privatize it...

Anyway. Yeah. Shoot me an email ... or something... <3


I look forward to writing more once I'm legitimately private. In the meantime... umm...

I've been bingeing nearly daily. Today, I managed to stay under 2,000 and THAT felt like a feat. Sad, yes. I vaguely recall the under 500 days, the lovely dizziness of it all, the CONTROL... of myself, of my body... I need it back. I've stopped taking my Topamax (as per my psychiatrist, not of my own volition, necessarily) because the side effects FINALLY began to outweigh the benefits a few months ago. Hair loss? Really? Extensive hair loss. I'm 24. I can't go bald... even for a nearly guaranteed safety against binge attacks... It's not worth it.

But GOD, I miss it. The Topa was WORKING. And now I'm no longer on it. I still have some. I'm tempted daily to take it again. My thinning hair (yes, actively thinning, STILL) reminds me of the reason I should NOT pop those pills. It's ridiculous. I wear a hat most days, just because the way my hair parts and reveals my scalp in random places just kills me. Vanity, much? Maybe. But even a perfectly modest person, free from this vanity, would find themselves uncomfortable with a sudden change such as this, especially a young woman. I don't think I'm that unreasonable for being incredibly self-conscious about it...embarrassed, even. Ugh...Crossed fingers that it stops falling out and grows back, now that I've stopped the drug. Still... uncontrolled bingeing is ruling my life. There must be something else I can do, right?

I've gotta find my switch. The little switch in my mind that gets flipped, oh so rarely, and sends me into a lovely little spiral of weight loss, food aversion, and endless self-control. It's been far too long since I've felt that way, compelled to STARVE myself down to perfection. Helplessness and the propensity to give in, binge, purge, binge, purge... It's taken me over. I can't have this anymore. I've gained back up to 133 or so (that's a guesstimate, as I've avoided the scale as if it had measles or something for the past week). UNACCEPTABLE.

I must...refind...myself. My inspiration. My will. My strength.

*sigh...*

This is all very... not so happy. I can't wait to tell you happy news.

It will come.

<3

Stay gorgeous, my lovelies.



:*

Please read...if you wanna be able to read me further. :) Thanks.

All right, lovelies...


It's going private. I don't know if there's an easier way to go about this, but from what I can tell, I'll have to invite everyone individually to view this.

(Is there an easier way and I'm just not seeing it?) Quite possible...

Anyway...so. I guess what I need in order to offer you continued viewership (if you'd like it... I love the fact that I have so many followers, but I don't know how many of you actually want an invite. I'll let you decide that part for yourself. I'd absolutely adore it if I managed to keep every single one of you...) is email addresses? That's what it seems like.

This may end up being a huge hassle, but I know it'll be worth the time and any trouble in the end. I'll be able to write more freely and maintain a bit more of my peace of mind as well.

So that you're not forced to post your email addresses here in a public forum, I'll include my email here. Feel free to send me your addy (along with your blogger ID) so that I can send you an invite in return. I hope this goes well...


All my hopin'-for-skinny love and good vibes to you, darlinghearts.
Stay lovely.

P.D.
phantasmagoricaldelusion@gmail.com

Don't do it...

I'm under 700 for the day.


Don't do it.

Don't eat anymore.

Don't binge.
Don't binge.
Don't binge.
Don't fail.



Just a reminder.


Don't.


I have to regain myself.

It's all I *can* do right now. It's the only part of this insanely rapidspinning crazyland I can grab and hold and keep still.

I just...

Have to.


Don't...

Fuck this up.

Maybe if I install a radio with a subwoofer in my bathroom...?

Fuck, I need to purge.

God, it's never worth it.
(the eating, I mean. the binge. it's not.)

Why?

WHY?!
Why do it?

The unanswerable.


God.
Damn.
It.
All.


I hate the lack of privacy here.
I don't, for a single moment, wish to imply at all that I am ungrateful for my current living conditions; my uncle allows me to stay here with my daughter free of rent, just so long as I keep my grades up and I help him tend the animals, keep the house clean, run his errands, etc... I have a damn sweet gig and I am well aware of it. So very grateful, so very happy to be where I am...Really.

But.

My weakness has allowed me to binge (for the second time today) and, unlike the first time, I am now unable to rid myself of this horrid, strikingly painful amount of food now taking up residence within me. I really am surprised at how much it hurts, just the mere expansion of my abdomen. It's been ages since I've caused my stomach such distension. Fuck, that's not good.

I can't sneak away and hit the undo button this time. I can't be quiet enough. Wish there was some way to drown out my loudness while I got rid of it all...




Nope. Face up to it, P.D., you've gone and made this bed... Fucking gain back whatever weight you lost by working out and starving today and yesterday.

I hate my black-and-white, all-or-nothing mentality.

The therapist called today, wants me to set up my new schedule for this semester. Thursday doesn't work for me, not this week. I'm supposed to go swimming with my love at the river. Oh yes, outside, at the river. Where the other hundreds of beautifulskinnyperfect college bitches go to swim in their teeny bikinis.

Good thing he adores me for who I am and will love me for the rest of my life regardless of my weight, huh?

Too bad I can't get that fact through my irrational little mind...

Enough mind(ful)less chatter. Critical Theory for English Majors homework awaits!


Love you. Yes. You. Every last one of you. Thank you. For youknowwhat.

<3
Stay effin' LOVELY, ladies.




P.S. - Thank you for your answers to my deletion vs. privatizing question. I think I'd like to go with making it an invitation-only type thing... Private and all. I just don't know how to do that. I've never looked into it. I will, though. My main concern is that I keep all of you. You're the only thing here I can't stand to lose.

If I delete myself, will you cry at my blog funeral? My loves... :(

My lovelies...


This has to be quick, and I know it's random...

I don't know how many of you will even care to read this anymore, considering my lengthy absence, my total (apparent) disregard of your well-being, your lives, your goings-on...

I miss you so much, and so much has been going on.


I write quickly today because I have a choice to make.


I must either delete my blog, or make it entirely private.

If I do the latter (which is preferable), then I'd need to somehow...invite?...people? I guess? to be able to read it? Or they could request readeryness?


I don't know how that works... Fuck.

Hell.


It's not like I write anymore anyway, you know? Hardly ever. I keep meaning to, and now I actually have something about which to write...

But...deleting this would be to sever contact with so many of the most amazing individuals I've ever encountered with parallel issues to my own, people who understand me in ways that no one else ever, EVER will in my daily...real...life.

I can't bring myself to give that up...somehow...

I very literally have bruises on my ass from the bones there...

I don't like it.



And I'm not even skinny enough to have that kind of problem.

Seriously.


I know I've been gone for nearly a fucking month. I'm so sorry.
Know that I'm sorry. Know that I've been busier than I can even begin to tell you.

I'll put up a photo of the last project I completed for my 2D design class. I'm especially proud of it. Took about 40 hours to draw, I guess, as much of it was stippling with an extra super teeny tiny ink pen. I love it, though. Thus, the insane business that's kept me away...

That all being said... I don't know how often I'll be able to update over the next couple of weeks while summer school is still going on, but I will try. I've been getting back into my hardcore eating/non-eating/whatever you want to call it type issues as of late and I'm loving/hating it like I used to and it's where I belong. I feel it. Self-destruction is where it's at. Ha. Twisted bitch. Whatever.

So I took a couple photos for you ladies this morning, just to give you an update, an idea of where I am, and included one of the little one and I out to dinner the other night for good measure cuz she's just so darned cute. :P Oh, and there's the one of the stippling/line project from 2D design. :D






128.4. No laxies. I'm guessing probably 127.6 or so, had I gone and laxied last night, but I didn't figure it necessary, as I've been all but starving lately anyway. Had a good sized salad and some veggies yesterday, though, and a banana in the morning. Good chance that they were showing on the scale today.


Bruises. On the underside of my very UNDERSIZED assets. Saw them yesterday for the first time. NO, I'm not taking photos of those. :P But they're most certainly there. I'd noticed the discomfort associated with sitting on any semi-hard surface a few days ago. Anything without padding is pretty severely uncomfy; my butt bones push through my non-butt and it's like I have to shift over and kind of sit sideways in order to get any semblance of a normal sitting feeling at all. This is...weird...and not really cool... Because it means that I have no ass at all... I mean, if I wear the right jeans, it still looks OKAY... but definitely not womanly anymore. The love of my life...YES... YES. THAT...AHHH!!! You don't KNOW ABOUT THAT!!! GAH!!!

HOLD UP! Shit. GOD. Haha...Oh man. Sorry. Okay... I'm...My thoughts are all over. I have to tell you about that too. Umm...I'll come back to him. :D :D :D

Anyway... He's coming back..from... This will clue you in if you've been a loyal true blue follower for a while... <3 If you haven't, no worries, mate, you'll get a clue here in a sec... but he's coming back from Australia in four days... FOUR DAYS... and I want to be perfect for him. He's so excited to see me; it's been nearly two months. He's seen pictures and...ahem...video...of me... *blushy blushy* and he loves my body. Loves my bones, even. YES! Am I in freakin' ana heaven? But he also loves my tits and ass and thighs... and my ribs and my hipbones and my shoulderblades...gah. Can he have both?! I don't know. I just don't know.

ANYway...

Um...

How to summarize... how to not get myself in trouble... ha. There's this wonderful lovely amazing man who I'm fairly certain you'll think I'm crazy for loving so deeply so early on (known him since January) but to be quite frank, I don't give a rat's beautifully beasty behind. He's a children's literature professor at the university I attend and he's my foreverlove. He's from Australia originally but has been living here for a few years. He's the most amazing man I've ever met and we are mad for one another in more ways than I've ever imagined two people could possible love. I won't bore you anymore with that. It's ...just... It is insane. And it's unimaginably wonderful. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I can't wait for him to get here, to be here, to touch my face. I want to hear his voice more than I want anything in this world.

He made a comment about how much he admired my self-control, my discipline, in reaching my goals and all that. He knows about my ED because we don't hide anything from one another. He supports me in what I do as long as I don't harm myself, and he knows that when I reach the point in my life and in myself at which I am completely ready to embrace recovery, I will do so. He will be there to help pick me up when I stumble, to support me then as he does now. For the time being...he loves me just as I am, and accepts me with all of my flaws, all of my scars, and all of my imperfections as I struggle for perfection. And he loves my fucking bones. Gah.

Haha..

So.... How are ya'll?


I've missed you.

Oh, and Friski? I got your comment about the Topa, but it was from an Anonymous comment, so I couldn't comment back? I forget the exact site I got it from now, as it's been so long and I just have a legit script from my shrink now... BUT... I do remember that I just googled "Topamax without prescription" and went from there. Did some research on the cheapest and dove headfirst. Kinda scary, but if you want to do that and then run your findings by me after, I'd be happy to see how I could help. :D

<3
Stay lovely, my skinnies. I do adore you fiercely.