And...she binged.

I don't know what happened.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

My drive, my motivation, my strength, my presence of mind and purpose. Where has it all gone?

I would say that I'm "not proud" of what follows, but that doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I hate this. I love this place. I need this place so that I can let out all of my hateful feelings about what I've done and how I am... and maybe, if I'm lucky, find someone else who doesn't think I'm half as crazy as I feel during all of it.

It started out with Starbucks. Walked in there with full intentions of purchasing one coffee and one pastry item to sneak away with and c/s. Not even positive as to why I needed this, but I did...The urge, the desire, the NEED to c/s that pumpkin bread was ridiculously profound...almost as strong as the need I had to starve myself so very recently...Where the fuck did THAT go?

Got two baked items from Starbucks. Took them to the bathroom. Felt very mia. Very. Sitting in secret, in hiding, trying to stay quiet when I heard footsteps on the tile. Waiting. Waiting for silence to denote that I was finally alone. Shoving handfuls of bread and blueberry crisp bar into my mouth, chewing ferociously, fervently, like an animal...Disgusting. Rolling the precious fattening crumbles of sugar and fruit around in my mouth and over my tongue, careful not to aggravate my piercing (which is still tender, naturally)... Spit. The second cup of coffee wasn't necessary, but I planned ahead...I would need a cup to spit in, right?

I swallowed about 1/4 of that food. Fail.

I left the bathroom feeling ashamed but still not fulfilled. What more do you fucking want? I wanted to ask myself aloud... I would get no answer anyway, but the frustration welling up inside me over this sudden and unexplained lapse in control demanded an outlet.

More food. Right.

I headed straight over to the very overpriced little convenience store and purchased, with much internal shame, a large bag of chocolate covered pretzels, a HUGE Reese's peanut butter cup, and a big travel sized cup of Ritz Cheese crackers. Couldn't even get home before I busted out the crackers, right there in the parking garage, and went to town. Greedily, piggishly, like a fucking glutton, just eating c/s'ing, swallowing about every third bite. Started the car. Got on the highway. Kept eating and spitting. Got home. Came inside. Continued. Dipped the fucking chocolate covered pretzels in PEANUT BUTTER and chewed them. Spit them. Disposed of all evidence. Ate a cup of sugar free jello and a handful of Craisins. My total today is probably about 1,500 calories consumed. None burned by cardio...Probably only about 200 by walking around campus.

I have to get to the gym. I have to NOT hate myself. I have to tell myself that tomorrow will be okay. Today, for that matter, will be okay. The more I get down on myself, the worse it gets. This is a stumble, not a fall. I will be all right.

I just have to figure out where my drive went. That push, the loathing for the fat that covers my perfect bones...THAT is what motivates me to go on. The girls I see at school every day are so thin and perfect and I am so far from them, and that is usually enough to remind me to starve. But it's not working that way anymore. This has always been about me...the comparisons only help, just like even the best thinspo. Thinspiration doesn't MAKE me do this, I have to make MYSELF do this.

Fuck. I'm sorry. And for some reason, I'm sorry for apologizing. I am completely aware of how stupid I probably sound right now. Thank you in advance for not pointing that out to me later.

I love you all.
<3

Old pictures...only 10 lbs ago. And other stuff.

About this time last year, I had a good friend of mine and emerging makeup artist/photographer help me out with some Valentine's Day photos for my man. I loved them. He posted them all up in his closet, and there they have stayed since then.

I took a good look at them tonight and couldn't help but think: "Wow...I actually thought I looked good back then..." but obviously, I didn't...and, "Man, I was only about 145...ten lbs heavier than I am now... but DAMN, there's a huge difference." I look much leaner now, and I'm glad for it. Thank Ana for the elliptical machine. ;)

I think I'll post a few of them here. Mind you, these are pictures taken of pictures, using a pretty shitty camera phone, so please excuse the quality. Frankly, I'm just really proud of myself for the transformation, as minor as it may be...I thought I'd remained pretty static for a while...Suppose not. :)





I don't really feel like writing tonight. I think I'm just frustrated and annoyed, and all of the bothered jumblings of my mind are suffocating the poetry and intelligent thought that simply *must* be there somewhere.

As I sit here at K's house, waiting for him to come home, the atmosphere still smells like the dinner I prepared for him earlier. Love cooking for that man.

He's gonna fall in love with that chicken friend steak, I'm sure of it.

I chewed and spit four bites of it. Why? Well...the first bite was to see if it tasted any good. Have to try it before I serve it to him, right?

Second, third, and fourth bites were because I really wanted to eat the stuff. But I won't let myself do that. Not after the relatively good day I've had. Can't go ruining it, especially so late in the evening.

Started my day with a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..about 270 calories or so. Went to the gym and burned about 650 calories before I couldn't take the weakness anymore. My count, as of 9:09 PM, is at about 1,100 calories, and that's approximating pretty high. I don't know exactly how much of the oil in that c/s steak made it down my throat, or how much of the fat from the three -- count 'em, THREE -- Atkins granola/protein bars managed to sneak its way into my stomach, despite my very best efforts to get it all in the cup. Yeah...this c/s stuff is getting to be more of a regular occurrence. True binges have all but stopped. This is no coincidence. I'm okay with this. Definitely the lesser evil, Blue Butterfly. ;)

I said I didn't feel like writing and that's still true...and yet I'm writing. Huh. It's just that the little one is sitting next to me here on the futon, kicking me "on assident" every now and then...Dora the Explorer is a little louder than the voice in my head, and the kitchen is so full of disgusting dirty dishes and greasy pots and pans that I can hardly think of anything but getting in there and cleaning them before K gets home. Yes, this is HIS house, and NO, I don't live here...but I like to do things like that for him, you know? Kind of want to portray myself as the super-efficient housewife type even as I also *naturally* emanate the sexy-ass soon-to-be-ridiculously-thin MILF vibe as well...Ideal partner, yeah? :P

Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop now. Any comments on how crazy I am will be read and considered, but not in earnest.

I've done a lot of reading of your blogs, and if I didn't manage to comment (yet), I'm sorry. I will do my best to get caught up as soon as possible.

On the brightest side... TATTOO time is coming up! Thursday!!! Almost here! :D

(For anyone who's either had their lip pierced or is close to someone who has, I'd really like to hear from you...I'm still on the fence and I'm so terrified of (A) the needle and (B) scarring or permanent HUGE holes in my face...)

SO yeah. Leaving now. Thanks for reading!!