...Thank you.
I could try and think of a better way to say it, but the truth is I don't have the brain power nor the time to do so at the moment, so I really hope that ya'll know how grateful I am for you. You're...amazing. You make this life bearable.
So I went to the gym last night after the whole binge/c&s episode and I burned off 700 calories in an hour. I was so faint by the time I was done I nearly passed out on the way out to the car. Not good...but at the same time, very good. You know what I mean.
Today, I've eaten much more than I should have by this point, but fortunately for my fat ass I was able to stop myself before it got really out of hand again. I'm at about 800 for the day, and I'm going to stop there. I know it's only an afternoon fast...less than a whole day...but I need this. I need to remind myself that *I* am in control. I'm the one that calls these shots. Not the crazy stress-induced, anxiety binge monsters that are currently taking up residence in my brain.
I didn't weigh myself this morning. I think I'll wait. Yep.
Oh, and I'm supposed to be cleaning the house right now. Like, hardcore cleaning. That's what Fridays are all about. Except now my Fridays also include going to both my Children's Lit class AND my boring chemistry class...THEN cleaning. Less time for cleaning equals more stress and more binge-- NO. NO more. I won't let this screw me over. It's a new semester so, naturally, I have a new schedule. It's a fact of life. Get over it, get used to it. Adapt. Gracefully. That's my plan.
Posted a new profile pic. Hope you don't mind it. Better yet, I hope you like it. ;)
Stay lovely, my perfect, wonderful, AMAZINGLY incredibly inspirational beauties.
<3
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Jumping in head first...advice?
Sometimes the responsible, logical, healthier side of my mind just isn't powerful enough to overcome this "disorder," not loud enough to drown out the provocative promises of my favorite phantom...Our dearest Ana.
Nearly a year ago, when I first discovered all that the pro-ana community had to offer me, I decided that the only way to achieve my goals was to starve myself...in *true* ana fashion. No more getting at least 1,200 calories a day in order to prevent the onset of the dreaded "starvation mode," no more eating a certain amount of whole grains, protein, fruits, vegetables, etc. in order to maintain a healthy balance of the food groups...No, I was going to get thin and stay thin, regardless of the price I had to pay or the toll it would take on my body and mind. Yes, it was selfish, but I didn't see that. In my mind, I had found the answer, and I was going to do this RIGHT.
That lasted for all of a few weeks. My uncle, friends at school, and even my K noticed pretty early on. Refusing invitations to lunch, eating so little even while at home...I guess I was entirely too obvious.
Got into some therapy, did some reading of anorexic horror stories, and managed to scare myself away from that ledge...left the precipice just in time to save what I still retain of my sanity, but not before getting that taste...That glimpse of a life of total control, dropping half a pound a day, feeling so light and airy and starving through the pain for something that was worth so much more than my words could even say...
Since then, I've incorporated exercise into my plan, burning more calories at the gym in the morning than I'd ever eat at breakfast; this way, I figured, I was starting my day at a deficit with only roughly half the day left over in which to eat anything. It worked pretty well, I suppose. We all know that lean muscle mass added to the body will show up as a slightly higher number on the scale. That same muscle, however, will continue to more effectively burn fat calories for you even as you rest, doing double duty for you as long as you provide it with sufficient lean protein to repair itself. My BMR is higher than someone who does not exercise daily, which means, technically, that I could afford to eat more if I wanted. While I comprehend and appreciate all of this theory...since that's really what it boils down to...I can't help but think of how much weight I *could* lose if I chose to finally give in...and let Ana take control.
I have to force myself, most times, toward the end of each afternoon, to eat a bit more of this or of that in order to bring myself up to that calorie threshold: at least 1,000 to "prevent starvation mode" from beginning...RIGHT. Like my body has an internal ticker that keeps meticulous track of every single calorie burned and consumed, and if I fail to meet that magical number of 1,200, my metabolism instantly freaks out and begins storing fat from every source possible, eating away at muscle instead in attempts to survive this OBVIOUS famine I'm suffering. Fuck that shit.
While I'm sure that there's more than a grain of truth to all of this, I'm still convinced of a single fact, and I know THIS to be true: Starving works.
Yeah.
It does. This is more than obvious to all of us. Millions of images swim before us daily of our beloved thinspiration, whether they be celebrities or models or each other...and they starve. Beautifully. They don't sit there and drive themselves crazy with thoughts like, "Well, I don't want to starve myself now because I very well could be doing permanent damage to my metabolism and it may make me fat or sick or both later in life...I had better eat enough to get me up to that recommended minimum of 1,200...nom nom nom..."
No. They don't. They eat to live. Period. And they are thin. Strong. Beautiful. The perfection we all seek. So why must I berate myself for wanting to follow their example?
Back to the responsible, healthy, non-disordered side of my brain. Saying that my life is pretty chaotic as it is now, constantly obsessing over food and calories and measurements and numbers...Why exacerbate the situation even FURTHER by cutting those calories in half and spending even MORE time hurting in hunger? *sigh...* Because...the "healthy ana" lifestyle simply isn't working for me anymore. I can't STAND restricting all damn day, feeling so proud of myself for my determination and discipline, and then realizing that having only 600 calories a day isn't "healthy"...going to the fridge and pulling out some green beans and broccoli and EATING...when I'm not even fucking HUNGRY...that's like blaspheming right there... feels like a binge. Just so that I can stave off the possibility of slowing my ever-lovin' metabolism... I'm tired of it. I won't force feed myself anymore, not for my doctor, not for my therapist...I'd rather lie to them than to myself.
Ugh...Sorry this is so long. This stuff has been on my mind for a while. I kind of wanted to get some feedback from you lovelies on the matter, if you feel so inclined to comment. I'm so ready just to say fuck it all, Ana, take me. Take me under your featherlight wings and make me beautiful. I'm tired of defying you, tired of doing this the "healthy" way just to please some otherworldly phantom of a theory of a mode of starvation...Whatever.
*sigh...* I'm off. It's nearly 2 PM and I'm up to 280. No cardio yet, but it will come. And then I'll be back to zero. I'm just ready to be rid of this disgusting, leeching fat-covered body... She wants to see me succeed, she wants to give me the gift of what I've been chasing forever...The ability to see my beautiful, perfect bones...Why can't I just accept her and follow her? Why does this guilt, this apprehension, have to cloud my judgement?
Ah well. Thank you, ladies, as always, for reading and for your comments.
Stay lovely! <3
Update: ...how is that I'm still at less than 500 for the day...nearly ALL broccoli and cauliflower and asparagus...and I still feel fail?
Feeling fail is NOT allowed! :P
Also...I'm bored.
I need to go work out. Yes. That will make me feel AWESOME. <3
Nearly a year ago, when I first discovered all that the pro-ana community had to offer me, I decided that the only way to achieve my goals was to starve myself...in *true* ana fashion. No more getting at least 1,200 calories a day in order to prevent the onset of the dreaded "starvation mode," no more eating a certain amount of whole grains, protein, fruits, vegetables, etc. in order to maintain a healthy balance of the food groups...No, I was going to get thin and stay thin, regardless of the price I had to pay or the toll it would take on my body and mind. Yes, it was selfish, but I didn't see that. In my mind, I had found the answer, and I was going to do this RIGHT.
That lasted for all of a few weeks. My uncle, friends at school, and even my K noticed pretty early on. Refusing invitations to lunch, eating so little even while at home...I guess I was entirely too obvious.
Got into some therapy, did some reading of anorexic horror stories, and managed to scare myself away from that ledge...left the precipice just in time to save what I still retain of my sanity, but not before getting that taste...That glimpse of a life of total control, dropping half a pound a day, feeling so light and airy and starving through the pain for something that was worth so much more than my words could even say...
Since then, I've incorporated exercise into my plan, burning more calories at the gym in the morning than I'd ever eat at breakfast; this way, I figured, I was starting my day at a deficit with only roughly half the day left over in which to eat anything. It worked pretty well, I suppose. We all know that lean muscle mass added to the body will show up as a slightly higher number on the scale. That same muscle, however, will continue to more effectively burn fat calories for you even as you rest, doing double duty for you as long as you provide it with sufficient lean protein to repair itself. My BMR is higher than someone who does not exercise daily, which means, technically, that I could afford to eat more if I wanted. While I comprehend and appreciate all of this theory...since that's really what it boils down to...I can't help but think of how much weight I *could* lose if I chose to finally give in...and let Ana take control.
I have to force myself, most times, toward the end of each afternoon, to eat a bit more of this or of that in order to bring myself up to that calorie threshold: at least 1,000 to "prevent starvation mode" from beginning...RIGHT. Like my body has an internal ticker that keeps meticulous track of every single calorie burned and consumed, and if I fail to meet that magical number of 1,200, my metabolism instantly freaks out and begins storing fat from every source possible, eating away at muscle instead in attempts to survive this OBVIOUS famine I'm suffering. Fuck that shit.
While I'm sure that there's more than a grain of truth to all of this, I'm still convinced of a single fact, and I know THIS to be true: Starving works.
Yeah.
It does. This is more than obvious to all of us. Millions of images swim before us daily of our beloved thinspiration, whether they be celebrities or models or each other...and they starve. Beautifully. They don't sit there and drive themselves crazy with thoughts like, "Well, I don't want to starve myself now because I very well could be doing permanent damage to my metabolism and it may make me fat or sick or both later in life...I had better eat enough to get me up to that recommended minimum of 1,200...nom nom nom..."
No. They don't. They eat to live. Period. And they are thin. Strong. Beautiful. The perfection we all seek. So why must I berate myself for wanting to follow their example?
Back to the responsible, healthy, non-disordered side of my brain. Saying that my life is pretty chaotic as it is now, constantly obsessing over food and calories and measurements and numbers...Why exacerbate the situation even FURTHER by cutting those calories in half and spending even MORE time hurting in hunger? *sigh...* Because...the "healthy ana" lifestyle simply isn't working for me anymore. I can't STAND restricting all damn day, feeling so proud of myself for my determination and discipline, and then realizing that having only 600 calories a day isn't "healthy"...going to the fridge and pulling out some green beans and broccoli and EATING...when I'm not even fucking HUNGRY...that's like blaspheming right there... feels like a binge. Just so that I can stave off the possibility of slowing my ever-lovin' metabolism... I'm tired of it. I won't force feed myself anymore, not for my doctor, not for my therapist...I'd rather lie to them than to myself.
Ugh...Sorry this is so long. This stuff has been on my mind for a while. I kind of wanted to get some feedback from you lovelies on the matter, if you feel so inclined to comment. I'm so ready just to say fuck it all, Ana, take me. Take me under your featherlight wings and make me beautiful. I'm tired of defying you, tired of doing this the "healthy" way just to please some otherworldly phantom of a theory of a mode of starvation...Whatever.
*sigh...* I'm off. It's nearly 2 PM and I'm up to 280. No cardio yet, but it will come. And then I'll be back to zero. I'm just ready to be rid of this disgusting, leeching fat-covered body... She wants to see me succeed, she wants to give me the gift of what I've been chasing forever...The ability to see my beautiful, perfect bones...Why can't I just accept her and follow her? Why does this guilt, this apprehension, have to cloud my judgement?
Ah well. Thank you, ladies, as always, for reading and for your comments.
Stay lovely! <3
Update: ...how is that I'm still at less than 500 for the day...nearly ALL broccoli and cauliflower and asparagus...and I still feel fail?
Feeling fail is NOT allowed! :P
Also...I'm bored.
I need to go work out. Yes. That will make me feel AWESOME. <3
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