So there's this girl, Mia... :/

...and she's been hanging around quite a bit more than I'd prefer as of late.

I can't put my finger on it quite yet, but over the past few weeks I've experienced what I'm beginning to term, in my mind, an enormous shift of purpose. I can't tell yet in what direction i'ts taking me, but if the past few days are any indication, it's nowhere good. :(

Restriction has always been my forte. Sure, I have binge days. That's relatively normal, up until a point. There was a short, glorious period of time during which I wanted nothing to do with food and all of its horrific calories...I was just fine with subsisting on the bare essentials, and it was lovely. Didn't last long, of course. That'd be too good to be true.

No, lately, things have been changing. I've been eating a ton more (or what feels like a ton more) and exercising less and somewhere along the way, my drive to keep going, my will to starve, is fading. I'm not comfortable with this. I know it would be more than prudent of me to roll with this, take it as a chance to seek out recovery, wherever it may be hiding, but I just...can't. I'm not ready.

The c&s shit has gotten out of hand, and fast. I am able to admit this, and I'm not at all proud of it (who would be?)...but even as I recognize it as a problem, I am not yet taking mental steps to stop myself from getting worse. I used to use it whenever I felt like bingeing but was conscious enough to spit before swallowing, and it saved me quite a few calories on numerous occasions. Now...Well, now I do it so much that it's interfering with my thoughts at home and at school: I think about what I can c&s next, at home, or at school, hiding in the bathroom and waiting for everyone to leave so I have some privacy... I'm actually spending extra money on binge food only to spit, and this is happening multiple times throughout the day and night. Not...good...at all. What's worse? I'm progressing to the point of saying fuck the spitting part...Eating feels so goddamned good...I want to swallow this stuff. Of course I can't let it get me fat. Next logical step? Purge that shit. Right? Wrong.

I know I'm walking a fine line here. I know this is more dangerous than I can even comprehend. I've made a promise to myself and to K that I will not let bulimia take a hold of me...and yet here I stand, at the precipice of something so enticing and so harmful...even deadly...I read all of your wonderful blogs and I see the pain that so many of you endure daily, the misery bulimia has brought you. How is this not enough to push me far, far away from even considering this? I HAVE to talk myself out of this...and I need to figure out a way back to hard restriction, reduce the c&s cycle til it's gone completely. My mouth has even begun to feel a little tender when I eat due to the constant, rapid chewing and pushing out of food..mostly sugary, baked items. Shit I'm not allowed to have.

Fuck, I'm sorry I'm so messed up. I really am. I can just picture some random stranger finding my blog, reading this with absolutely no understanding of the mental and emotional anguish behind the disorder itself...Thinking to themselves in disdain and condescension of my weakness, my stupidity, my obvious innate desire to hurt myself. No shit, sherlock. That's what it all comes down to; I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I deserve to be punished, to feel pain, and I long for it, because at least this pain serves to mask all of the unending suffering I won't ever escape, the internal, eternal torment of my past and present...

God, P.D., breathe.

I sit here at school, after class, with two large, saran-wrapped slices of store-bought cake (one chocolate and one carrot) sitting in my backpack, neatly wrapped up in the plastic bag in which they came. I stare down at them. I need them. I want that food in my mouth, in my throat, in my stomach, and then I will hate myself. The hate for the fat that they would add to my thighs will propel me into the nearest bathroom, or even my bedroom, wherever I can be alone and not overheard...And I will fail to get all of it up because I suck at purging, and my mascara will run a little bit and I'll pull my hat down further over my forehead to hide the bloodshot glaze of my eyes...I have the power to stop this binge from occurring. In reality, I know that I have the power to stop Mia from entering my life...I just...have to find it. I have to find this strength. It's not okay for me to break, not here, not with this.

Thank you for reading, lovelies... <3


EDIT: Add-on...8:46 PM: So...I binged, right? But...as fail as that is...I promised Della (and myself) I wouldn't purge. I'm so sorry, Della...and everyone else. I purged half my dinner. Half. Before I came to my senses and pulled myself back from the edge, yet again. And here I sit, feeling so fat and ugly and foolish and HUGE...Yeah, cuz I binged again. F-u-c-k. You can't see how much it hurts from the outside...it's stretching my insides to their limits. Ugh. End edit.

You ladies are the loveliest...

No matter what's going on with me or my day, I am pretty much guaranteed a genuine smile anytime I come here. I wish this community, full of so many beautiful, accepting, compassionate, and like-minded individuals, was an actual physical place I could go. I'd never want to leave.

It feels like I've been promising a REAL, substantial post for a while now. The sense of guilt I feel upon starting this passage stems from the fact that it's been days since I sat down and took the time to read all of your wonderful blogs, or to really write in my own. I'm concerned that school (which starts up again tomorrow) will keep me from writing/reading here as often as I'd like, but I'm promising here and now that I'll do my best. It's not like I can survive this life without you guys...I'm smart enough to realize that on my own. ;)

Thank you ladies, as always, for your sweet and caring comments. My piercing picture kind of made me look thin...Heh, I liked that. I don't always see it when I look in the mirror, and I certainly NEVER see it when I look at the scale, but every once in a while the crappy little camera on my phone will catch me in the right light, at just the right angle, and oh wow! Look! She has collarbones! Sweet deal!

The labret stud makes it pretty difficult to eat much of anything. It's not really the pain that stops me from eating, but rather the thought of irritating the site itself by chewing (moving the jewelry inadvertently) and getting any unnecessary food particles or acid in the piercing itself. As it is, I have to soak the thing in a homemade sea salt saline solution five times a day, rinsing it with alcohol-free mouthwash three times a day. Fun fun. All the same, I absolutely adore the way it looks. I hope it works out...My skin's pretty sensitive and I haven't had a lot of good luck with my ear piercings. *crossed fingers*

On another note, starting today, I've begun to take a protein supplement after my workout in hopes of staving off that horrible draggin'-ass weak feeling I've been experiencing as of late. I know it's obviously from lack of food, but pinning down the exact cause of it is a bit more difficult...I have to find precisely what my body is missing the most of the food I deny it...Is it protein? Carbs? Sugars? We shall see. The protein shot itself is 110 calories, but it includes 26 grams of protein. Ideally, were I healthy individual following the workout regimen that I do, I'd be consuming well over 60 grams of lean protein a day. Do I? Not even close. I used to. You know, when I was being all healthy and whatnot. Now I'm lucky to even get about 15 grams a day, and I know that's gotta take a huge toll on my muscular system. Probably another reason I was dropping weight so quickly... The loss of muscle mass is rapid and shows up quickly on the scale. Works in reverse, too: Ate tons of protein yesterday and hiked up Enchanted Rock for a few hours yesterday after a night of partying and dancing my ass off Saturday night. My quads and hamstrings were on fire, so rock hard and dense...and the scale says 135 again. AWESOME. Not. But I know it's mostly muscle this time, because the fat is still shrinking, especially around my hips and thighs. Is this all boring you to death? Okay. Moving on then.

So I'm sitting here at 340 calories for the day and it's 1:04 PM. My cardio burned 430 this morning. I'm looking at my cal log and trying not to be frustrated over the fact that 110 of those 340 calories came from a wimpy little liquid protein shot, which offered me nothing but a horrible aftertaste and absolutely NO filling qualities whatsoever. I'm still starving. Hungry. Yeah.

That reminds me...when I got home from K's house this morning, my uncle wasn't home but there WAS this huge double chocolate fudge covered cake with strawberries all over it sitting on the kitchen counter. I know he had a friend over last night so he probably baked for her. This cake is humongous...and it's actually only half of a cake, but still. SO big. I looked at it in disbelief...like, "Why the fuck is that cake in the kitchen of the house in which I live?" I've always been a major chocoholic. Always. My biggest weakness, right up there with peanut butter.

Then..something amazing happened. I walked over to the cake and gingerly lifted the Saran wrap from one corner of it. I sniffed at it. I stared at it. And I was repulsed.

...

Let that sink in. Repulsed. BY CHOCOLATE!!!! BY CAKE!!!! I stared in disgust, imagining how horribly fattening and sugary it was, made from full-fat milk and butter and eggs and all of that flour and Ana knows what else what went into it... and I wanted NO part of it! I've NEVER felt that way before about chocolate. Ever.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting. This was kind of a big deal, that's all. Made me happy, at least.

School. Tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it and at the same time dreading the waking up earlier, the driving through traffic, the long lectures, and of course, the homework. All the same, I'm going to try and keep a positive outlook. Really helps a ton.

I'm gonna go ahead and get started on my chores and errands. I hope each and every one of you is doing well, staying lovely, and remembering that I care, even if I don't seem to show it the way I'd like as of late.

<3