Fuck.
How twisted is that? I can't believe I'm saying that.
And yet... It's true.
To be honest, I knew this would happen. I figured out from the very beginning of recovery that I'd have difficulty in feeling like myself without the obsession, without the hate, without the CONTROL.
Everything's out of control now, and it's absolutely... insane.
I don't even know if I could survive my current life (school, my daughter, two jobs, social life, etc.) if I was still constantly preoccupied with killing myself slowly. It did take up so much of my time and energy. But... So much of me wonders if the pieces wouldn't fit more perfectly if I were just... perfect.
Looking at photos of myself from October and November (right before I started gaining again), I can hardly believe how far I've let myself fall. I don't know the number, but it's gotta be bad. Probably close to 145 or 150. I don't know if that's true. It could be just 140. Who the fuck knows?
I feel so... fail.
I'll stop now. I just wish I knew what was to become of me, and my mind.
I hope you ALL are well. I miss you muchly, and think of you often. <3
Showing posts with label weight gain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight gain. Show all posts
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Well, then. This is recovery, huh?
I'm doing it.
Yeah.
And I'm feeling horribly fail and fat so often that I frequently question this move. As in... hourly. Minute-ly. Yes.
I've no scale at the moment (as prescribed by my lovely ED therapist), so I don't actually know how much I've gained. It feels like fifty pounds, but I know better. Realistically speaking, it's probably closer to eleven.
The freedom I feel, though, on the whole... It's unimaginable. Indescribable. I'm not happy yet, no... But damn... I think I must be on my way.
Having lived through all of this, I feel... so many things. Lost, without my disordered habits. Out of control, without the calorie-counting and constant weighing. FAT and unattractive, without my beautiful bones pushing through my skin everywhere.
I love that body. I miss it so much.
Looking in the mirror is literally like looking at a stranger's body. A stranger's... healthy, supple, feminine... body. My ass is back in full force, and I've gained two cup sizes since I stopped purging and restricting. My belly jiggles a little, and my thighs touch.
And yet...
The letting go of all of my self-loathing (a work in constant progress) is something so very ... priceless. Invaluable.
I am learning... (can't believe I'm actually saying this...) ...to love my SELF.
It's really quite insane, I know.
I still contemplate purging every single time I overeat. This is often.
I still look in the mirror and struggle to fight back the thoughts of relapse. That temptation is so sweet, and yet, somehow, I know that I will beat it.
This disorder will forever be a part of me. It has changed my life eternally. I will always be a part of this disorder, as well. My mind doesn't know how to think without it, and so it will continue to plague/help/torture/bless me as I continue my life.
One day at a time.
... Miss you, lovies.
<3
Yeah.
And I'm feeling horribly fail and fat so often that I frequently question this move. As in... hourly. Minute-ly. Yes.
I've no scale at the moment (as prescribed by my lovely ED therapist), so I don't actually know how much I've gained. It feels like fifty pounds, but I know better. Realistically speaking, it's probably closer to eleven.
The freedom I feel, though, on the whole... It's unimaginable. Indescribable. I'm not happy yet, no... But damn... I think I must be on my way.
Having lived through all of this, I feel... so many things. Lost, without my disordered habits. Out of control, without the calorie-counting and constant weighing. FAT and unattractive, without my beautiful bones pushing through my skin everywhere.
I love that body. I miss it so much.
Looking in the mirror is literally like looking at a stranger's body. A stranger's... healthy, supple, feminine... body. My ass is back in full force, and I've gained two cup sizes since I stopped purging and restricting. My belly jiggles a little, and my thighs touch.
And yet...
The letting go of all of my self-loathing (a work in constant progress) is something so very ... priceless. Invaluable.
I am learning... (can't believe I'm actually saying this...) ...to love my SELF.
It's really quite insane, I know.
I still contemplate purging every single time I overeat. This is often.
I still look in the mirror and struggle to fight back the thoughts of relapse. That temptation is so sweet, and yet, somehow, I know that I will beat it.
This disorder will forever be a part of me. It has changed my life eternally. I will always be a part of this disorder, as well. My mind doesn't know how to think without it, and so it will continue to plague/help/torture/bless me as I continue my life.
One day at a time.
... Miss you, lovies.
<3
Monday, January 18, 2010
You ladies are the loveliest...
No matter what's going on with me or my day, I am pretty much guaranteed a genuine smile anytime I come here. I wish this community, full of so many beautiful, accepting, compassionate, and like-minded individuals, was an actual physical place I could go. I'd never want to leave.
It feels like I've been promising a REAL, substantial post for a while now. The sense of guilt I feel upon starting this passage stems from the fact that it's been days since I sat down and took the time to read all of your wonderful blogs, or to really write in my own. I'm concerned that school (which starts up again tomorrow) will keep me from writing/reading here as often as I'd like, but I'm promising here and now that I'll do my best. It's not like I can survive this life without you guys...I'm smart enough to realize that on my own. ;)
Thank you ladies, as always, for your sweet and caring comments. My piercing picture kind of made me look thin...Heh, I liked that. I don't always see it when I look in the mirror, and I certainly NEVER see it when I look at the scale, but every once in a while the crappy little camera on my phone will catch me in the right light, at just the right angle, and oh wow! Look! She has collarbones! Sweet deal!
The labret stud makes it pretty difficult to eat much of anything. It's not really the pain that stops me from eating, but rather the thought of irritating the site itself by chewing (moving the jewelry inadvertently) and getting any unnecessary food particles or acid in the piercing itself. As it is, I have to soak the thing in a homemade sea salt saline solution five times a day, rinsing it with alcohol-free mouthwash three times a day. Fun fun. All the same, I absolutely adore the way it looks. I hope it works out...My skin's pretty sensitive and I haven't had a lot of good luck with my ear piercings. *crossed fingers*
On another note, starting today, I've begun to take a protein supplement after my workout in hopes of staving off that horrible draggin'-ass weak feeling I've been experiencing as of late. I know it's obviously from lack of food, but pinning down the exact cause of it is a bit more difficult...I have to find precisely what my body is missing the most of the food I deny it...Is it protein? Carbs? Sugars? We shall see. The protein shot itself is 110 calories, but it includes 26 grams of protein. Ideally, were I healthy individual following the workout regimen that I do, I'd be consuming well over 60 grams of lean protein a day. Do I? Not even close. I used to. You know, when I was being all healthy and whatnot. Now I'm lucky to even get about 15 grams a day, and I know that's gotta take a huge toll on my muscular system. Probably another reason I was dropping weight so quickly... The loss of muscle mass is rapid and shows up quickly on the scale. Works in reverse, too: Ate tons of protein yesterday and hiked up Enchanted Rock for a few hours yesterday after a night of partying and dancing my ass off Saturday night. My quads and hamstrings were on fire, so rock hard and dense...and the scale says 135 again. AWESOME. Not. But I know it's mostly muscle this time, because the fat is still shrinking, especially around my hips and thighs. Is this all boring you to death? Okay. Moving on then.
So I'm sitting here at 340 calories for the day and it's 1:04 PM. My cardio burned 430 this morning. I'm looking at my cal log and trying not to be frustrated over the fact that 110 of those 340 calories came from a wimpy little liquid protein shot, which offered me nothing but a horrible aftertaste and absolutely NO filling qualities whatsoever. I'm still starving. Hungry. Yeah.
That reminds me...when I got home from K's house this morning, my uncle wasn't home but there WAS this huge double chocolate fudge covered cake with strawberries all over it sitting on the kitchen counter. I know he had a friend over last night so he probably baked for her. This cake is humongous...and it's actually only half of a cake, but still. SO big. I looked at it in disbelief...like, "Why the fuck is that cake in the kitchen of the house in which I live?" I've always been a major chocoholic. Always. My biggest weakness, right up there with peanut butter.
Then..something amazing happened. I walked over to the cake and gingerly lifted the Saran wrap from one corner of it. I sniffed at it. I stared at it. And I was repulsed.
...
Let that sink in. Repulsed. BY CHOCOLATE!!!! BY CAKE!!!! I stared in disgust, imagining how horribly fattening and sugary it was, made from full-fat milk and butter and eggs and all of that flour and Ana knows what else what went into it... and I wanted NO part of it! I've NEVER felt that way before about chocolate. Ever.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting. This was kind of a big deal, that's all. Made me happy, at least.
School. Tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it and at the same time dreading the waking up earlier, the driving through traffic, the long lectures, and of course, the homework. All the same, I'm going to try and keep a positive outlook. Really helps a ton.
I'm gonna go ahead and get started on my chores and errands. I hope each and every one of you is doing well, staying lovely, and remembering that I care, even if I don't seem to show it the way I'd like as of late.
<3
It feels like I've been promising a REAL, substantial post for a while now. The sense of guilt I feel upon starting this passage stems from the fact that it's been days since I sat down and took the time to read all of your wonderful blogs, or to really write in my own. I'm concerned that school (which starts up again tomorrow) will keep me from writing/reading here as often as I'd like, but I'm promising here and now that I'll do my best. It's not like I can survive this life without you guys...I'm smart enough to realize that on my own. ;)
Thank you ladies, as always, for your sweet and caring comments. My piercing picture kind of made me look thin...Heh, I liked that. I don't always see it when I look in the mirror, and I certainly NEVER see it when I look at the scale, but every once in a while the crappy little camera on my phone will catch me in the right light, at just the right angle, and oh wow! Look! She has collarbones! Sweet deal!
The labret stud makes it pretty difficult to eat much of anything. It's not really the pain that stops me from eating, but rather the thought of irritating the site itself by chewing (moving the jewelry inadvertently) and getting any unnecessary food particles or acid in the piercing itself. As it is, I have to soak the thing in a homemade sea salt saline solution five times a day, rinsing it with alcohol-free mouthwash three times a day. Fun fun. All the same, I absolutely adore the way it looks. I hope it works out...My skin's pretty sensitive and I haven't had a lot of good luck with my ear piercings. *crossed fingers*
On another note, starting today, I've begun to take a protein supplement after my workout in hopes of staving off that horrible draggin'-ass weak feeling I've been experiencing as of late. I know it's obviously from lack of food, but pinning down the exact cause of it is a bit more difficult...I have to find precisely what my body is missing the most of the food I deny it...Is it protein? Carbs? Sugars? We shall see. The protein shot itself is 110 calories, but it includes 26 grams of protein. Ideally, were I healthy individual following the workout regimen that I do, I'd be consuming well over 60 grams of lean protein a day. Do I? Not even close. I used to. You know, when I was being all healthy and whatnot. Now I'm lucky to even get about 15 grams a day, and I know that's gotta take a huge toll on my muscular system. Probably another reason I was dropping weight so quickly... The loss of muscle mass is rapid and shows up quickly on the scale. Works in reverse, too: Ate tons of protein yesterday and hiked up Enchanted Rock for a few hours yesterday after a night of partying and dancing my ass off Saturday night. My quads and hamstrings were on fire, so rock hard and dense...and the scale says 135 again. AWESOME. Not. But I know it's mostly muscle this time, because the fat is still shrinking, especially around my hips and thighs. Is this all boring you to death? Okay. Moving on then.
So I'm sitting here at 340 calories for the day and it's 1:04 PM. My cardio burned 430 this morning. I'm looking at my cal log and trying not to be frustrated over the fact that 110 of those 340 calories came from a wimpy little liquid protein shot, which offered me nothing but a horrible aftertaste and absolutely NO filling qualities whatsoever. I'm still starving. Hungry. Yeah.
That reminds me...when I got home from K's house this morning, my uncle wasn't home but there WAS this huge double chocolate fudge covered cake with strawberries all over it sitting on the kitchen counter. I know he had a friend over last night so he probably baked for her. This cake is humongous...and it's actually only half of a cake, but still. SO big. I looked at it in disbelief...like, "Why the fuck is that cake in the kitchen of the house in which I live?" I've always been a major chocoholic. Always. My biggest weakness, right up there with peanut butter.
Then..something amazing happened. I walked over to the cake and gingerly lifted the Saran wrap from one corner of it. I sniffed at it. I stared at it. And I was repulsed.
...
Let that sink in. Repulsed. BY CHOCOLATE!!!! BY CAKE!!!! I stared in disgust, imagining how horribly fattening and sugary it was, made from full-fat milk and butter and eggs and all of that flour and Ana knows what else what went into it... and I wanted NO part of it! I've NEVER felt that way before about chocolate. Ever.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting. This was kind of a big deal, that's all. Made me happy, at least.
School. Tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it and at the same time dreading the waking up earlier, the driving through traffic, the long lectures, and of course, the homework. All the same, I'm going to try and keep a positive outlook. Really helps a ton.
I'm gonna go ahead and get started on my chores and errands. I hope each and every one of you is doing well, staying lovely, and remembering that I care, even if I don't seem to show it the way I'd like as of late.
<3
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