Coffee just below the boiling point. Black. Zero calories. My friend.
Small Ziploc bag of apple slices and strawberries. Natural. Raw. Delicious. Also my friend.
The bagel shop where I purchased my coffee, filled with the aromas of hot, toasted breads and melting cheeses and the laughter of so many individuals who would think me a little crazy if they knew why I came here. For coffee? No one else here walks away with a cup of coffee...and nothing else. No, they are here for bagels covered in cream cheese and oozy butter and cinnamon and ooh, look, they even have pizza bagels, dripping with fatty deliciousness and covered in poor-little-piggie pepperoni. This place is not my friend, but I have conquered it. Score one for P.D.
I am restricting again, in case you haven't noticed. Not that I ever stopped completely; I don't think I could if I wanted to (and I don't want to). 1,000 calories today. I'd say that's reasonable. Healthy-ish. I can't gain this way. I know, I know, I've binged and I've failed to exercise daily, so my two or three pound gain isn't JUST due to eating more "healthily" (it's hard to tell exactly how much I've put on after last night's pasta and *gasp* sausage dinner, as most of it's probably still in me) Uuuuggh...
There's something weird in my perfectionist mentality that doesn't allow me to stop in the middle of a binge day and say, "Hey, stop this, you can prevent further damage by just quitting now. Why must you continue to stuff your face today? Why wait to start "anew" tomorrow?" Meh. It's just the way I work. I don't like it, really, but my attempts to change myself in that regard have hitherto been massive failures. Who knows... People DO change. Sometimes.
So today is good. I plan to get my ass to the gym and work off that nasty (but simultaneously delicious) dinner here in just a few minutes. I'm addicted to your blogs, though; I had to get online and see what everyone was up to before I packed up the ol' laptop and set out trudging through the rain to the gym. Yes, it's raining again. And gray. And gross. But me? I'm AWESOME! :P Awesome sauce. Because restricting feels so good. And you know, I think I'll attempt to make that my new rule for myself... Do what feels good. You know, within reason. Don't eat cheesecake because it feels good. Duh. :P But do what feels natural, day by day, rather than setting myself up with such a strict infrastructure of hardcore internal laws that will (if history is any indication) eventually weaken and crack and fall because it was never perfectly stable to begin with. If it feels right to restrict to 1,000 today, so be it. If, inside, deep down, it feels better to eat that banana at 9 PM, do it. I'm going to try this, and see where it takes me. Working on the mental side of my health a bit more. I'll letcha know how it works out. Ha, as if there was any doubt about that!
I wish I could kill food like Della. :P Girl, teach me that trick and I will be indebted to you FOR LIFE! Today, I was slicing up these apples and of course, my uncle has the godforsaken peanut butter sitting out on the counter in front of the cutting board. WTF? Like I'm supposed to be able to see that shit and pretend it's not there?! With APPLE SLICES in my hand, no less?? I scooped a finger-full out and slathered it on a bit of apple. Stared at it. Foodstalked it. Then ate it. Closed my eyes and let myself enjoy the amazing wonderfulness that is peanut butter on apples. Then closed the jar and walked away. I think that was perhaps a mini-feat all its own, no?
I look forward to my run, but my knee does not. I really ought to have it checked out. My uncle, who's had two knee replacements and multiple foot/leg surgeries thinks it must be my meniscus. I don't know what it is, but it feels like there's no cushion whatsoever inside my knee, like every step is just grinding those bones harder and harder against one another. Ugh. When I run enough, and ignore it, it's possible to pretend the pain doesn't exist. But I know I'm only doing damage there, and that thought isn't pleasant. I can't be laid up. Can't afford to be any more sedentary than I already feel I am.
Off to the gym I go. Perhaps I'll set up an appointment with the doctor to check out my knee. Meh. I hope you ladies are well, and that your week goes as swimmingly as my morning has so far. <3
Showing posts with label peanut butter AKA the devil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peanut butter AKA the devil. Show all posts
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
The big 4-0!! And no, I'm only 23... ;)
40 followers?! That's only one of the most awesome feelings in the world, especially at 6:24 AM when it's literally freezing BALLS outside and I'm sitting in front of my tiny laptop over steaming, caloriffic oatmeal, contemplating whether or not to brave the morning nastiness to get to the gym. Thank you so much for your support guys... I think I WILL make it to the gym today. :)
I'm letting myself eat a bit more today. I think I need to. I know we do a whole lot of "Shut up, stomach, I'M in charge here, and I say STARVE!!" around here, but there always comes a point at which we must listen to our bodies, at least with one ear. For this morning, I am there. I've reluctantly enjoyed (yes, you read that correctly) one slice of 60 calorie toast with about 90 calories of peanut butter on it, and one bowl of oatmeal at 160. That, I realize, sounds like a ton. Indeed, it is. BUT... I know that if I can get my lazy butt up out of this seriously uncomfortable chair (should make it a bit easier to leave, I'd think) and get to the gym, I'll be able to burn approximately 400 calories in 45 minutes with no problem. This number is based on what my heart rate monitoring watch dealie says, NOT what the gym equipment tells me. No, I can't trust those machines. They say I burn SO much, so many calories, while my watch tells me differently. And that watch is actually reading my pulse continuously as I work, sooooo.... Yes. We'll go with the watch.
132.8 this morning. That means I've reached my sub-goal of making it through the weekend (Vietnamese seafood dish and all) without gaining so much as an ounce. Yes, I was shooting for maintenance this weekend. Baby steps.
I can do this. I know I can. I remember being stuck at 140 for SOOO long, feeling like I'd never get past it. The mere fact that I did when it felt like I couldn't is enough to motivate me further, push me harder. :)
Though, this does bring us back to breakfast, and my irritatingly responsible "healthy" side. Yesterday, when I found myself at 3 PM at only 175 calories, I was, naturally, initially ecstatic. So proud of myself and my awesome sauceness. ;)
Then SHE came. Responsible Healthy Conscience. She sounded like this, "You know you're killing yourself..." WTF? In this soft, soothing, I'm-only-here-to-help voice. Ugh. And I know she's right, on some level. My organs and central nervous system and brain and all that, yes, they obviously need more than this to function correctly. But I had no desire to eat, whatsoever. Uh, DUH! Disorder. Not ordered. Someone of an ordered mind would never have let themselves get this far. So what did I do? I ate some carrots. And raisins. "Is that better?"
"Better. But eat some more."
GOD. She's almost as insatiable as Ana or Mia.
I had five bites of broccoli, three bites of mashed potatoes, and three bites of a pork chop dinner I made for K. "There. No more for the rest of the night."
And I stuck to it. Only to wake this morning to see... maintenance. Well. At least I didn't gain? No 'at least' exists here...I've ranted about that before.
All the same... I woke this morning feeling weaker than weak, emptiness (usually so lovely) was accompanied by an ache... A STRONG painful ache, deep in the core of me. FINE. I'll eat 1,200 calories today. Fuck it. BUT...I will work off at LEAST half of it. Ha! You never said I couldn't do that. ;)
Sorry, I'm crazy. Read the blog title. I even warned you in the forecast that there was a chance of crazy. I sho did.
I should go. The gym (and my sleeping little princess) awaits. And man, is she slow getting out of bed. :P Takes after her mommy...
I <3 you all. I've been reading and reading and only commenting when I can muster it, but please know that I've been reading. My support is there...just...quiet sometimes. Here's to a badass Monday, and one hell of a week! 129 by Friday!!! DO IT!! ;)
I'm letting myself eat a bit more today. I think I need to. I know we do a whole lot of "Shut up, stomach, I'M in charge here, and I say STARVE!!" around here, but there always comes a point at which we must listen to our bodies, at least with one ear. For this morning, I am there. I've reluctantly enjoyed (yes, you read that correctly) one slice of 60 calorie toast with about 90 calories of peanut butter on it, and one bowl of oatmeal at 160. That, I realize, sounds like a ton. Indeed, it is. BUT... I know that if I can get my lazy butt up out of this seriously uncomfortable chair (should make it a bit easier to leave, I'd think) and get to the gym, I'll be able to burn approximately 400 calories in 45 minutes with no problem. This number is based on what my heart rate monitoring watch dealie says, NOT what the gym equipment tells me. No, I can't trust those machines. They say I burn SO much, so many calories, while my watch tells me differently. And that watch is actually reading my pulse continuously as I work, sooooo.... Yes. We'll go with the watch.
132.8 this morning. That means I've reached my sub-goal of making it through the weekend (Vietnamese seafood dish and all) without gaining so much as an ounce. Yes, I was shooting for maintenance this weekend. Baby steps.
I can do this. I know I can. I remember being stuck at 140 for SOOO long, feeling like I'd never get past it. The mere fact that I did when it felt like I couldn't is enough to motivate me further, push me harder. :)
Though, this does bring us back to breakfast, and my irritatingly responsible "healthy" side. Yesterday, when I found myself at 3 PM at only 175 calories, I was, naturally, initially ecstatic. So proud of myself and my awesome sauceness. ;)
Then SHE came. Responsible Healthy Conscience. She sounded like this, "You know you're killing yourself..." WTF? In this soft, soothing, I'm-only-here-to-help voice. Ugh. And I know she's right, on some level. My organs and central nervous system and brain and all that, yes, they obviously need more than this to function correctly. But I had no desire to eat, whatsoever. Uh, DUH! Disorder. Not ordered. Someone of an ordered mind would never have let themselves get this far. So what did I do? I ate some carrots. And raisins. "Is that better?"
"Better. But eat some more."
GOD. She's almost as insatiable as Ana or Mia.
I had five bites of broccoli, three bites of mashed potatoes, and three bites of a pork chop dinner I made for K. "There. No more for the rest of the night."
And I stuck to it. Only to wake this morning to see... maintenance. Well. At least I didn't gain? No 'at least' exists here...I've ranted about that before.
All the same... I woke this morning feeling weaker than weak, emptiness (usually so lovely) was accompanied by an ache... A STRONG painful ache, deep in the core of me. FINE. I'll eat 1,200 calories today. Fuck it. BUT...I will work off at LEAST half of it. Ha! You never said I couldn't do that. ;)
Sorry, I'm crazy. Read the blog title. I even warned you in the forecast that there was a chance of crazy. I sho did.
I should go. The gym (and my sleeping little princess) awaits. And man, is she slow getting out of bed. :P Takes after her mommy...
I <3 you all. I've been reading and reading and only commenting when I can muster it, but please know that I've been reading. My support is there...just...quiet sometimes. Here's to a badass Monday, and one hell of a week! 129 by Friday!!! DO IT!! ;)
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