Shouldn't have weighed this morning. Duh.

Last night, as always, I got drunk and needed to eat something in order to keep myself from getting sick. Stupid mistake. Ugh.

Then, because I had eaten some Chex Mix, I felt that I had already screwed up badly enough to justify eating some fries with my Wendy's Berry Chicken Salad. Fantastic. Yesterday, 162.8. Today, 164.6. I know it's mostly food weight, but I just didn't need to see the number. Plus, I think my scale is a piece of shit liar. Need a new one, but I can't afford it. Meh.

Anyway. So that was last night. Finished eating, wanted to barf, couldn't because D was right there and knew that I wanted to. So I drank some more instead, smoked most of my cigarettes and felt sorry for myself. Yay.

Today, I have my workout clothes on (they haven't seen the light of day in far too long) and I'm planning a jog/brisk walk in the next 30 minutes. In order to have the energy for this, I had a Lean Cuisine meatloaf/potatoes meal for breakfast. It was 240 calories with 21 grams of protein. I love to have as much protein as I can in the mornings, so this was perfect.

After the jog, I'm going to have a shit ton of water, some tea and a small salad (just lettuce, tomato, cucumber and fat free Italian dressing). If I feel hungry before 3 PM, I'll have more tea and water. If I feel dizzy before then, I may have a can of tuna. More protein, nearly fat free.

I'm not sure that this is a good tactic, but I'm gonna try it out. All of my recovery therapy comes back to the surface when I start restricting. I remember Shelley talking to me, supporting me, teaching me, guiding me out of the darkness that was my disorder... and what am I doing now? Throwing it all away? I'm so... torn. Sigh.

Yes. So the baby is asleep and the bigger girlie is sitting on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubbzy. D is in our room, playing his computer games. I can reasonably take my 20 to 30 minute jog/walk and, hopefully, I won't wimp out and come home earlier than planned. Wish me luck, lovelies.

P.D.

Can't think of a witty title or anything...

Coffee just below the boiling point. Black. Zero calories. My friend.

Small Ziploc bag of apple slices and strawberries. Natural. Raw. Delicious. Also my friend.

The bagel shop where I purchased my coffee, filled with the aromas of hot, toasted breads and melting cheeses and the laughter of so many individuals who would think me a little crazy if they knew why I came here. For coffee? No one else here walks away with a cup of coffee...and nothing else. No, they are here for bagels covered in cream cheese and oozy butter and cinnamon and ooh, look, they even have pizza bagels, dripping with fatty deliciousness and covered in poor-little-piggie pepperoni. This place is not my friend, but I have conquered it. Score one for P.D.

I am restricting again, in case you haven't noticed. Not that I ever stopped completely; I don't think I could if I wanted to (and I don't want to). 1,000 calories today. I'd say that's reasonable. Healthy-ish. I can't gain this way. I know, I know, I've binged and I've failed to exercise daily, so my two or three pound gain isn't JUST due to eating more "healthily" (it's hard to tell exactly how much I've put on after last night's pasta and *gasp* sausage dinner, as most of it's probably still in me) Uuuuggh...

There's something weird in my perfectionist mentality that doesn't allow me to stop in the middle of a binge day and say, "Hey, stop this, you can prevent further damage by just quitting now. Why must you continue to stuff your face today? Why wait to start "anew" tomorrow?" Meh. It's just the way I work. I don't like it, really, but my attempts to change myself in that regard have hitherto been massive failures. Who knows... People DO change. Sometimes.

So today is good. I plan to get my ass to the gym and work off that nasty (but simultaneously delicious) dinner here in just a few minutes. I'm addicted to your blogs, though; I had to get online and see what everyone was up to before I packed up the ol' laptop and set out trudging through the rain to the gym. Yes, it's raining again. And gray. And gross. But me? I'm AWESOME! :P Awesome sauce. Because restricting feels so good. And you know, I think I'll attempt to make that my new rule for myself... Do what feels good. You know, within reason. Don't eat cheesecake because it feels good. Duh. :P But do what feels natural, day by day, rather than setting myself up with such a strict infrastructure of hardcore internal laws that will (if history is any indication) eventually weaken and crack and fall because it was never perfectly stable to begin with. If it feels right to restrict to 1,000 today, so be it. If, inside, deep down, it feels better to eat that banana at 9 PM, do it. I'm going to try this, and see where it takes me. Working on the mental side of my health a bit more. I'll letcha know how it works out. Ha, as if there was any doubt about that!

I wish I could kill food like Della. :P Girl, teach me that trick and I will be indebted to you FOR LIFE! Today, I was slicing up these apples and of course, my uncle has the godforsaken peanut butter sitting out on the counter in front of the cutting board. WTF? Like I'm supposed to be able to see that shit and pretend it's not there?! With APPLE SLICES in my hand, no less?? I scooped a finger-full out and slathered it on a bit of apple. Stared at it. Foodstalked it. Then ate it. Closed my eyes and let myself enjoy the amazing wonderfulness that is peanut butter on apples. Then closed the jar and walked away. I think that was perhaps a mini-feat all its own, no?

I look forward to my run, but my knee does not. I really ought to have it checked out. My uncle, who's had two knee replacements and multiple foot/leg surgeries thinks it must be my meniscus. I don't know what it is, but it feels like there's no cushion whatsoever inside my knee, like every step is just grinding those bones harder and harder against one another. Ugh. When I run enough, and ignore it, it's possible to pretend the pain doesn't exist. But I know I'm only doing damage there, and that thought isn't pleasant. I can't be laid up. Can't afford to be any more sedentary than I already feel I am.

Off to the gym I go. Perhaps I'll set up an appointment with the doctor to check out my knee. Meh. I hope you ladies are well, and that your week goes as swimmingly as my morning has so far. <3

Well how about that...Huh.

After cardio (150 calories expended), I look at a total of 390 calories consumed today.

And it was the easiest thing in the world to do. Even easier than trying to restrict to 1,000.

Tons of veggies, I suppose...Get the right ones and you can eat for days without worry.

Probably had about five cups of various frozen cuts throughout the course of the day... Broccoli, cauliflower, a few carrots, asparagus, squash, green beans, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers... I love this stuff. ;)

Hope you're all well...Cross your skinny little fingers for me; I'm hoping my financial aid funds hit my account tomorrow. Wish wish wish! :D

<3

I avoided posting last night intentionally.

We're officially home. FINALLY. All the same, my mind couldn't seem to switch out of "vacation eating" mode for some reason until this morning. I continued to munch on forbidden foods all evening, even as late as midnight. Yeah. I KNOW.

Even worse yet, I decided that making oatmeal raisin cookies was a good idea. I was wise enough, thank goodness for steadily increasing BMI (no evidence to back this up, just looking in the mirror and pinching my fat) to find a recipe online that used NO eggs and only yielded one dozen. Schweet, huh? Less temptation just lying around. It helps, too, that they'll be staying here at my bf's house instead of coming home with me today.

All that considered, I still managed to eat four of them. Mind you, they were relatively small cookies, but still. Ugh. Weakness. That extra large glass of wine I had around 9 PM probably didn't help in the fortification of my already crumbling will-power. Meh.

What I'm really excited about is...Today. :) I've yet to eat anything at all, as the little one just woke me up not too long ago. Still a blank slate. I still feel that heavyish, fullish feeling from the foods I ate yesterday, but that'll be gone in time. I should be home tonight and, thank the gods...able to *finally* return to my digital scale in the morning!!!

Yes. That IS awesome...and a little(lot) scarier than I'm letting on.

I'm so scared it'll say something ridiculous like 140 again. Meaning I would've managed to gain between 6 and 9 lbs over the course of three weeks. So possible. Likely? Not incredibly. But hey, I've seen stranger things.

I think this post is pretty boring. I apologize. I think I'll go grab a big ol' HUGE glass of ice water to get the metabolism going. Let it know what its in for...From here on out, it's back to work! Restriction and hardcore exercise...No more binges, no more late night snacking, no more alcohol. Not for a good LONG while. :D

Off to go read all of the lovely blogs to which I look forward daily. <3

Stay well, you beautiful creatures of thin.
Let's be stronger than ever together. <3