Well. 163.6 this morning. I think that's a new low since I started over. It doesn't feel as exciting as I figured it would. I suppose that's because I know that I would be a lot smaller by now if I hadn't fucked up so many times over the course of the past two or three weeks.
Oh well. 163.6 is certainly something to be happy about. I told myself last night that I would be liquid fasting today in order to kick start my plan to lose 20 by my birthday. If I do manage to do that, I'll be at 146 (considering where I was when I set the goal) by the middle of August. Seems like a bit of a pipe dream, but hey... I'm just that crazy.
The only thing with liquid fasting for me is that I can never concentrate on my work when there's no food in my system. I had a bit of a protein shake this morning (just a few sips, so probably around 50 or 60 cals) and resisted the temptation to make some eggs. Thing is, I have been in recovery long enough to know that, after I've reached my goal, I will have to maintain it in a healthy way or the results won't stick. I can't fast and starve forever (I know I could, but my fiancee will NOT allow that), so in order to keep myself from gaining all the weight back, I have to remember that crash dieting is not my friend.
Easier said than done, right? So maybe not liquid fasting. I don't want to fuck my metabolism like I did last time. Maybe a light lunch and a few smallish snacks in addition to my salad for dinner... nothing totaling over 900 for the entire day (I was gonna say 500, but then I realized that that's pretty much starving myself anyway and I just made a big ol' speech on how that's bad, mmkay?).
I got really drunk last night (ha...you mean like every night?) and put on a little strip tease for D. He liked it. Looking back, I'm a little surprised that I had the confidence to do something like that. Then I remember the power of 100 proof vodka and my insane ability to knock back shots like they're Kool-Aid.
I didn't end up working out yesterday OR going for a walk with the baby. I need to do that. I know she loves getting outside in her stroller and we ALL know that my fat ass needs the exercise. I will have to do that today. Also, I need to seriously cut back on the booze. It's expensive and I forget big chunks of time and whole conversations and it's making me fatter by the day. If anyone has any suggestions on how to NOT be an alcoholic... or at least any tips on how to slow down... I'm all ears.
Stay lovely, dearies.
P.D.
Showing posts with label new low weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new low weight. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Two pounds down in two days like a BOSS
165.2 this morning. I'm winning. :P
That's... what? 12 pounds since I started over? I'll have to check my dates to be sure. Either way, I'm ecstatic.
Last night, I had a dream that I stepped on the scale and it read 144.2. That was awesome. Then I'd only be about ten to twenty pounds away from my "reasonable" stopping point. I'm not allowed to go below 125, apparently. It took more than a year, daily murderous workouts at the gym, multiple diet pills and prescription drugs, lots of purging and intense anorexia to get me to 124 before and I don't necessarily want to go down that road again.
Speaking of purging... Yeah. Last night. I was not so winning there, was I? I don't know what possessed me to devour the rest of my daughter's Spaghettios and a bunch of chips with queso and salsa, but as soon as I had started, I couldn't stop and I knew that I couldn't afford to keep it down. My whole day would be ruined.
I was alone for about ten minutes and had to take the opportunity. Unfortunately, by the time I emerged from the bathroom, D was back from the store and I have no idea if he heard anything (I'm out of practice and can't do it quietly anymore). Not that I want to start doing it again. It's very, very, very BAD, mmkay?
I should get to work for the day. Just wanted to check in and share the good news about 165.2 and whatnot... I hope you all have a lovely day and, in case I don't get the chance to say so, a beautiful weekend as well.
Much love to my lovelies,
P.D.
That's... what? 12 pounds since I started over? I'll have to check my dates to be sure. Either way, I'm ecstatic.
Last night, I had a dream that I stepped on the scale and it read 144.2. That was awesome. Then I'd only be about ten to twenty pounds away from my "reasonable" stopping point. I'm not allowed to go below 125, apparently. It took more than a year, daily murderous workouts at the gym, multiple diet pills and prescription drugs, lots of purging and intense anorexia to get me to 124 before and I don't necessarily want to go down that road again.
Speaking of purging... Yeah. Last night. I was not so winning there, was I? I don't know what possessed me to devour the rest of my daughter's Spaghettios and a bunch of chips with queso and salsa, but as soon as I had started, I couldn't stop and I knew that I couldn't afford to keep it down. My whole day would be ruined.
I was alone for about ten minutes and had to take the opportunity. Unfortunately, by the time I emerged from the bathroom, D was back from the store and I have no idea if he heard anything (I'm out of practice and can't do it quietly anymore). Not that I want to start doing it again. It's very, very, very BAD, mmkay?
I should get to work for the day. Just wanted to check in and share the good news about 165.2 and whatnot... I hope you all have a lovely day and, in case I don't get the chance to say so, a beautiful weekend as well.
Much love to my lovelies,
P.D.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
A new low...Again, it's not seeming real.
126.8.
Seriously?
I was 128 yesterday. Then again, I fasted for most of yesterday...on accident...kind of.
Yes, that wonderful and never-before-seen number is brought to you by our lovely and reliable sponsors, chocolate senna tea and everyone's favorite blue pills. BUT...the fact still remains that MY body, whatever is left after all waste has been removed from it, THIS body still weighs 126.8 pounds. 57.64 kilograms? I've never measured myself that way before. It sounds nicer, being a lower number. ;) A lower-than-ever BMI of 20.2. I...can't lose this. I mean, I can't let this get away from me. I just ate a relatively large breakfast, considering the pretty meager amount of food I've consumed over the past 48 hours. 1/2 banana, 7 blackberries, 1/4 clementine orange, 1 dried apricot, 1/4 cup of mixed nuts, AND 1/4 cup of gluten-free rice chex. With a sip of almond milk. Wow. Yeah. Jeez. That's the way I tend to do things, though, I suppose. Load up on breakfast so that I can take my huge handfuls of pills and supplements comfortably, and then just take it really easy on the eating for the rest of the day. Yes. That's the idea, anyway. It's the follow-through that'll getcha.
I did want to thank you all SO very much for you well-wishing and good lucks and whatnot on my final. :) I actually didn't get to read them until AFTER I'd taken it, but I know that your combined positive energy was exactly what got me through it. I wrote ALL the way up until the very last minute. 1:30 PM. The clock told me time was up, and I resigned myself to the fact that I'd done all that I could. My mind had been scrambled from the get-go, and I didn't feel I had written a very good essay, much less two of them. In fact, I was pretty embarrassed to turn it in, to be honest, as this IS Dr. Aussie McDreamyLoveProfessor Guy we're talking about, after all, and I value his opinion of my writing quite highly. I knew I could have written more skillfully. My head just wasn't in it. My stomach was growling incessantly the entire time, too. I thought it was funny. Meh.
126.8. I'm kind of not wanting to eat for the rest of the day now, just for fear of seeing anything higher on the scale tomorrow. Isn't that just the story of this life...shit.
And you know what sucks the most? I ended therapy with my wonderful therapist this past week (she works at the university and I have to switch every semester...blows...) and as I left on Tuesday I REALLY really...for a good few moments...really wanted to try to get fully better for her, right now. I mean, for myself too, naturally. But it's just that she believes in me, or it seems that she does, and she's worked so hard and put so much of herself into this, and she wants me to continue in therapy, wants me to pursue something with a specialist, etc... I know I'll have to face these demons, face recovery at some point. I will. If I don't, I will end up killing myself. And I love life too much. There is enough reason and rational thinking in this crazed mind yet to see that. But I am not ready. Not yet. And if there's anything I know about myself at all, it's that I can't be forced to do anything unless I'm absolutely fully internally prepared to do so. So.
I have a doctor's appointment on the 19th. I'm thinking of investing in those ankle weights I've been putting off buying. The last time they weighed me was a little over a month ago, I guess...and I'd made sure to drink a lot of water first and wear some extra clothes and belts. I weighed in at like 140 or something.
By the 19th, I'll certainly be past 125, I'd hope. They're not going to like that. Nah... I could pull the ol' "I'm 5'6" thing...Instead of the truth, which is "I'm closer to 5'7"...
I'll just be sure NOT to mention anything about the fact that I'm delighted over the fact that I'm approximately 9.78 pounds away from clinically underweight, yeah? ;) ha...yeah. Good call, I'm thinkin'... Maybe they won't notice.
Whatever.
I've got mucho house cleaning to do. Thanks for reading, my angels. I wish you love and light, but lightness above all.
<3
Seriously?
I was 128 yesterday. Then again, I fasted for most of yesterday...on accident...kind of.
Yes, that wonderful and never-before-seen number is brought to you by our lovely and reliable sponsors, chocolate senna tea and everyone's favorite blue pills. BUT...the fact still remains that MY body, whatever is left after all waste has been removed from it, THIS body still weighs 126.8 pounds. 57.64 kilograms? I've never measured myself that way before. It sounds nicer, being a lower number. ;) A lower-than-ever BMI of 20.2. I...can't lose this. I mean, I can't let this get away from me. I just ate a relatively large breakfast, considering the pretty meager amount of food I've consumed over the past 48 hours. 1/2 banana, 7 blackberries, 1/4 clementine orange, 1 dried apricot, 1/4 cup of mixed nuts, AND 1/4 cup of gluten-free rice chex. With a sip of almond milk. Wow. Yeah. Jeez. That's the way I tend to do things, though, I suppose. Load up on breakfast so that I can take my huge handfuls of pills and supplements comfortably, and then just take it really easy on the eating for the rest of the day. Yes. That's the idea, anyway. It's the follow-through that'll getcha.
I did want to thank you all SO very much for you well-wishing and good lucks and whatnot on my final. :) I actually didn't get to read them until AFTER I'd taken it, but I know that your combined positive energy was exactly what got me through it. I wrote ALL the way up until the very last minute. 1:30 PM. The clock told me time was up, and I resigned myself to the fact that I'd done all that I could. My mind had been scrambled from the get-go, and I didn't feel I had written a very good essay, much less two of them. In fact, I was pretty embarrassed to turn it in, to be honest, as this IS Dr. Aussie McDreamyLoveProfessor Guy we're talking about, after all, and I value his opinion of my writing quite highly. I knew I could have written more skillfully. My head just wasn't in it. My stomach was growling incessantly the entire time, too. I thought it was funny. Meh.
126.8. I'm kind of not wanting to eat for the rest of the day now, just for fear of seeing anything higher on the scale tomorrow. Isn't that just the story of this life...shit.
And you know what sucks the most? I ended therapy with my wonderful therapist this past week (she works at the university and I have to switch every semester...blows...) and as I left on Tuesday I REALLY really...for a good few moments...really wanted to try to get fully better for her, right now. I mean, for myself too, naturally. But it's just that she believes in me, or it seems that she does, and she's worked so hard and put so much of herself into this, and she wants me to continue in therapy, wants me to pursue something with a specialist, etc... I know I'll have to face these demons, face recovery at some point. I will. If I don't, I will end up killing myself. And I love life too much. There is enough reason and rational thinking in this crazed mind yet to see that. But I am not ready. Not yet. And if there's anything I know about myself at all, it's that I can't be forced to do anything unless I'm absolutely fully internally prepared to do so. So.
I have a doctor's appointment on the 19th. I'm thinking of investing in those ankle weights I've been putting off buying. The last time they weighed me was a little over a month ago, I guess...and I'd made sure to drink a lot of water first and wear some extra clothes and belts. I weighed in at like 140 or something.
By the 19th, I'll certainly be past 125, I'd hope. They're not going to like that. Nah... I could pull the ol' "I'm 5'6" thing...Instead of the truth, which is "I'm closer to 5'7"...
I'll just be sure NOT to mention anything about the fact that I'm delighted over the fact that I'm approximately 9.78 pounds away from clinically underweight, yeah? ;) ha...yeah. Good call, I'm thinkin'... Maybe they won't notice.
Whatever.
I've got mucho house cleaning to do. Thanks for reading, my angels. I wish you love and light, but lightness above all.
<3
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