Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Maybe if I install a radio with a subwoofer in my bathroom...?

Fuck, I need to purge.

God, it's never worth it.
(the eating, I mean. the binge. it's not.)


Why do it?

The unanswerable.


I hate the lack of privacy here.
I don't, for a single moment, wish to imply at all that I am ungrateful for my current living conditions; my uncle allows me to stay here with my daughter free of rent, just so long as I keep my grades up and I help him tend the animals, keep the house clean, run his errands, etc... I have a damn sweet gig and I am well aware of it. So very grateful, so very happy to be where I am...Really.


My weakness has allowed me to binge (for the second time today) and, unlike the first time, I am now unable to rid myself of this horrid, strikingly painful amount of food now taking up residence within me. I really am surprised at how much it hurts, just the mere expansion of my abdomen. It's been ages since I've caused my stomach such distension. Fuck, that's not good.

I can't sneak away and hit the undo button this time. I can't be quiet enough. Wish there was some way to drown out my loudness while I got rid of it all...

Nope. Face up to it, P.D., you've gone and made this bed... Fucking gain back whatever weight you lost by working out and starving today and yesterday.

I hate my black-and-white, all-or-nothing mentality.

The therapist called today, wants me to set up my new schedule for this semester. Thursday doesn't work for me, not this week. I'm supposed to go swimming with my love at the river. Oh yes, outside, at the river. Where the other hundreds of beautifulskinnyperfect college bitches go to swim in their teeny bikinis.

Good thing he adores me for who I am and will love me for the rest of my life regardless of my weight, huh?

Too bad I can't get that fact through my irrational little mind...

Enough mind(ful)less chatter. Critical Theory for English Majors homework awaits!

Love you. Yes. You. Every last one of you. Thank you. For youknowwhat.

Stay effin' LOVELY, ladies.

P.S. - Thank you for your answers to my deletion vs. privatizing question. I think I'd like to go with making it an invitation-only type thing... Private and all. I just don't know how to do that. I've never looked into it. I will, though. My main concern is that I keep all of you. You're the only thing here I can't stand to lose.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

If I delete myself, will you cry at my blog funeral? My loves... :(

My lovelies...

This has to be quick, and I know it's random...

I don't know how many of you will even care to read this anymore, considering my lengthy absence, my total (apparent) disregard of your well-being, your lives, your goings-on...

I miss you so much, and so much has been going on.

I write quickly today because I have a choice to make.

I must either delete my blog, or make it entirely private.

If I do the latter (which is preferable), then I'd need to somehow...invite?...people? I guess? to be able to read it? Or they could request readeryness?

I don't know how that works... Fuck.


It's not like I write anymore anyway, you know? Hardly ever. I keep meaning to, and now I actually have something about which to write...

But...deleting this would be to sever contact with so many of the most amazing individuals I've ever encountered with parallel issues to my own, people who understand me in ways that no one else ever, EVER will in my daily...real...life.

I can't bring myself to give that up...somehow...