God, it's never worth it.
(the eating, I mean. the binge. it's not.)
Why?
WHY?!
Why do it?
The unanswerable.
God.
Damn.
It.
All.
I hate the lack of privacy here.
I don't, for a single moment, wish to imply at all that I am ungrateful for my current living conditions; my uncle allows me to stay here with my daughter free of rent, just so long as I keep my grades up and I help him tend the animals, keep the house clean, run his errands, etc... I have a damn sweet gig and I am well aware of it. So very grateful, so very happy to be where I am...Really.
But.
My weakness has allowed me to binge (for the second time today) and, unlike the first time, I am now unable to rid myself of this horrid, strikingly painful amount of food now taking up residence within me. I really am surprised at how much it hurts, just the mere expansion of my abdomen. It's been ages since I've caused my stomach such distension. Fuck, that's not good.
I can't sneak away and hit the undo button this time. I can't be quiet enough. Wish there was some way to drown out my loudness while I got rid of it all...
Nope. Face up to it, P.D., you've gone and made this bed... Fucking gain back whatever weight you lost by working out and starving today and yesterday.
I hate my black-and-white, all-or-nothing mentality.
The therapist called today, wants me to set up my new schedule for this semester. Thursday doesn't work for me, not this week. I'm supposed to go swimming with my love at the river. Oh yes, outside, at the river. Where the other hundreds of beautifulskinnyperfect college bitches go to swim in their teeny bikinis.
Good thing he adores me for who I am and will love me for the rest of my life regardless of my weight, huh?
Too bad I can't get that fact through my irrational little mind...
Enough mind(ful)less chatter. Critical Theory for English Majors homework awaits!
Love you. Yes. You. Every last one of you. Thank you. For youknowwhat.
<3
Stay effin' LOVELY, ladies.
P.S. - Thank you for your answers to my deletion vs. privatizing question. I think I'd like to go with making it an invitation-only type thing... Private and all. I just don't know how to do that. I've never looked into it. I will, though. My main concern is that I keep all of you. You're the only thing here I can't stand to lose.
I can't stand to lose you either! My heart skipped a beat when I saw a new post from you in my dashboard :) I am so glad to hear from you! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI cannot lose you, my heart will implode and then massacre the whole town. Or, rather, the other way around. Yes. I'm quite glad to hear you're alive and well-ish. :) You still need to update me on FB, my love! And I need to return the favor, I know. All I can say is... I'm purging nearly every meal now. I wish I could just c/s. I'm going to talk to my doctor about Topamax. And Adderall. And a few other things. But there's loads to tell you, and none of the time. I love you. All there is to it.
ReplyDeleteI would totally buy that toilet paper dispenser.
ReplyDeleteThis is an explanation of how to switch to invite-only: http://www.google.com/support/blogger/bin/answer.py?hl=en&query=Private+Blog&answer=42673&type=f
Well, I hope I'll still be able to read your blog because I love it!
ReplyDeleteTake care
I hope I'm invited! :) I was excited to hear from you again! Glad to hear you're doing pretty well, don't let one slip up get you down!
ReplyDelete