Saturday, June 30, 2012

And so life goes on

I had a slice of cheese and tomato pizza for lunch yesterday but balanced it out by having a small serving of lettuce and tomato for dinner. The result? 164.4 today. Woohoo! That's nearly a pound down from yesterday. Ah, I had forgotten how quickly it comes off when you're overweight. I could keep to this same diet and work out daily at 124 and not lose a thing. I know because I did that once.

Speaking of food (or was I just thinking of it?), I'm quite hungry at the moment. I think I'll treat myself to a chocolate Ensure protein shake. It's 210 cals but it's good stuff and keeps me feeling full.

Also, my chest hurts for no apparent reason whatsoever... I think I slept wrong. It feels like someone's forced an ice pick directly through my sternum and out my back on the other side. YEAH. Every time I move or breathe too deeply.

Gah, look at me complaining. What a loserhead. I'm gonna post a picture so you can see what I look like at 164.4. Also so that I can look back on it later and smile at my progress. Use it as reverse thinspo if you like. Love you all.


Friday, June 29, 2012

Two pounds down in two days like a BOSS

165.2 this morning. I'm winning. :P

That's... what? 12 pounds since I started over? I'll have to check my dates to be sure. Either way, I'm ecstatic.

Last night, I had a dream that I stepped on the scale and it read 144.2. That was awesome. Then I'd only be about ten to twenty pounds away from my "reasonable" stopping point. I'm not allowed to go below 125, apparently. It took more than a year, daily murderous workouts at the gym, multiple diet pills and prescription drugs, lots of purging and intense anorexia to get me to 124 before and I don't necessarily want to go down that road again.

Speaking of purging... Yeah. Last night. I was not so winning there, was I? I don't know what possessed me to devour the rest of my daughter's Spaghettios and a bunch of chips with queso and salsa, but as soon as I had started, I couldn't stop and I knew that I couldn't afford to keep it down. My whole day would be ruined.

I was alone for about ten minutes and had to take the opportunity. Unfortunately, by the time I emerged from the bathroom, D was back from the store and I have no idea if he heard anything (I'm out of practice and can't do it quietly anymore). Not that I want to start doing it again. It's very, very, very BAD, mmkay?

I should get to work for the day. Just wanted to check in and share the good news about 165.2 and whatnot... I hope you all have a lovely day and, in case I don't get the chance to say so, a beautiful weekend as well.

Much love to my lovelies,


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

New low and still going.

167.8 today. That's after last night's failure of three baked chicken wings, cheesy scalloped potatoes and lots of sweet peas. I'm retarded.

Oh well. Today's off to a good start. 220 calories and lots of cold, cold water. Feeling pretty good, though I could use some coffee. Too lazy to make it.

The fiancee and I got into a long, drawn-out cry fest last night (I was the only one crying). I admitted that I had binged and purged a couple nights ago when he was gone. That marks the first time in over a year. I promised him that I wouldn't do it again and I hope I can keep that promise. I hate throwing up. I hate binges even more.

So yes. 167.8. I'm on my way. Between 400 and 800 food calories a day for the past week or so. Alcohol naturally decreases as I don't eat as much. Don't wanna get shitfaced. Often.

I miss all my lovelies. I hope you are all well in whatever stage of this crazy life you find yourself.

Stay perfect.


Monday, June 18, 2012

Trying a new approach. Let's see how long it lasts.

So weighing every single morning is obviously not making me happy. I avoid eating anything unhealthy and when I must for the sake of having dinner with my family, I cut my portion size considerably and fill up the extra space with a salad. Still, the scale's not budging and I can't figure out why (other than the drinking, of course).

I didn't dare see what it had to say this morning. No, no, no, not after last night. It was Father's Day, after all, and I wanted to do something nice with/for my love. We went out for dinner and drinks and instead of getting a salad as planned, I decided to say fuck it and enjoy myself for once. I kept trying to remind myself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but I just had to let go... Just to avoid going insane. Plus, a little release goes a long way when you've been denying yourself...

Long story short, I ordered a chicken and vegetable kabob over basmati rice with sweet and sour dipping sauce. Yeah, food IS like porn, I know. Anyway, it wasn't a steak or a sandwich or pasta, but it WAS something other than salad. And I ate a lot of it. Then I had a light beer, a gin and tonic, multiple shots and a few more drinks when I got home. Oh, and two bites of ice cream cake and a sip of chocolate milk.

I decided, as my mouth just about had an orgasm over the cake, that I wouldn't weigh this morning. It would just be ASKING for disappointment and discouragement. In fact, I've decided that I won't weigh at all until next Monday. A full week. Can I do it? I don't know. It's easy enough to talk a big game on the first day, but I know I'll see it and want to... But no.

I'm rambling when I should be making money. So broke after yesterday. Maybe child support will come in? Ha.... That's funny.

Much love to my lovelies...


Friday, June 15, 2012

Still... It's the alcohol that's doing it.

170.6 for more than five days now, if my count is correct.

Apparently, it's not just the calories in alcohol that make it difficult to lose weight. I read something yesterday that *should* help me slow down on the drinking... Hopefully.

It says that alcohol turns to acetate in your blood and your body goes ahead and uses that for fuel first instead of fat. So basically, if you're drinking heavily every night, it doesn't matter how much starving or working out you do... You're pretty much gonna be stuck while your body burns through acetate instead of your fatty fatty fat. Lovely.

So last night, I made an effort to avoid getting shitfaced. That means only about seven or eight strong vodka drinks (100 proof) instead of about fifteen. Ha. I'm such an alkie and it's not okay.

Crap. I've been awake for an hour and I haven't eaten breakfast. Way to jump start the ol' metabolism, P.D.! NOT.

Stay lovely, lovelies.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

REALLY?!? Not in a good way, no.


Five to six pounds in a week's time? That's awesome. I could live with that for an indefinite number of weeks. How about ten of them, all in a row?

God... the thought of that... I'd be 110 - 120 pounds. JEEBUS I'd be fucking perfect.

But now... I've been stagnating again. At 170.something for three days now. And I can't help but wonder if it's the missing Topamax. Ha. I'm ridiculous. Like two days could make that much of a difference.

...or could they? I must do some thinking, obviously. I need to be thin again.

Ironically, I need to go eat. Ha. Loser. But yeah...Breakfast is one meal I will NOT skip.

Pictures to come soon... not that you want to see them.

Stay lovely,


Monday, June 11, 2012

I guess no more Topamax...

I don't think it's doing any good.

Sure, I've lost approximately five or six pounds in a week or so, but I've also been eating very little. How would I be able to tell if the Topa was doing anything? What I CAN tell is that it's making my head hurt all the time, making me irritable, making me sick to my stomach (even when I DO eat) and just isn't good for me in general.

So I guess I'll stop taking it for now. If I notice that I suddenly start to gain back the few pounds that I DID manage to lose, then I'll start again and finish them off. Then? I don't know what I'll do after. Just starve some more, I guess. And stop drinking so goddamned much every night.

171.6 today. I'm pretty sure it'd be 169.something if I had laxied, but I'm doing my best not to get back into that old habit.

I'm so hungry, but I'm too lazy to cook anything healthy. Raw carrots it is.

Stay lovely, lovies.


Friday, June 8, 2012

HOLY BLUE BALLS, she's gone public again...

Yes. Yes, I have.

I don't know why. This pretty much defeats the purpose of the other (public) blog I've started. Ummm... I have no comment.

Long story short: I recovered. I quit university a year early to get engaged and have a baby, move five hours away from my family and start a job from home that involves sitting at the computer pretty much all the time. I'm a fatass and I hate myself yet again. Good. Now we're caught up. Somewhat.


Meh. I'm mildly intoxicated. I spend most (read: all) of my nights this way nowadays. It helps me keep my mind away from all that is expected of me (and yes, I mean that which is expected OF me by EVERYONE and that which I expect of MYSELF).

I really had no other point in this blog post other than that which I pointed out in the title. I mean... Sorry. But I missed you guys WAY too friggin' much. And, from what I can tell from the bit of looking around I have done... FAR TOO MANY OF YOU HAVE DISAPPEARED.

I shouldn't say that. I SHOULD say, rather, that maybe some of you have found better paths, that you have discovered more fruitful endeavors...

I don't know wtf I'm saying. I just... I miss you. I miss this community. My recovery ... well. That is another story for another day. Another SOBER day. For now, however, I shall go to bed drunk, but happy to have stayed under 800 food calories (alcohol kills in calories, in case ya didn't know)... Psst... I knew that you knew...

I hope that I at least still have a few of my good friends left here. I miss you all and I regret leaving you. Recovery was an experience that I will never forget and will, undoubtedly, experience again in the future. However, I am without access to the proper medication and therapy that I require in order to fight this. Therefore, I will follow what guides me now. My gut.

My guts says that I shall be thin. I shall be beautiful. I shall be happy. I shall be in control. Once again, I shall be all of the things that made me feel GOOD about myself.

I'm rambling. It's late. I love you all. <3

As my tattoo (dedicated to all of you as much as it is to myself) says,