Saturday, January 30, 2010

Sometimes a muse stops by and hangs for a while.

It's quiet here,
but more than that...
It's still and calm and yet I
feel... not. Knots
tie themselves loosely
within me,
and I,
shift my shoulders in a shrug that
says simply,
"I don't care."

Truth is,
I care.
there is care.
I'm a caring, careful person, after all.
But now, the care is covered
by a desire to be silent,
my lips pursed, parched, pierced, paused
for a moment before one single breath
was allowed, then back
to the quiet.
This quiet owns me in this moment
and I like it.
I like the simplicity of sitting in whatcouldandwouldbe
reveling in the freedom and loveliness
that is my hunger.
Ah, to be hungry.
No one else seems to love this feeling,
and yet I long for it, perpetually,
like you yearn for that dream to which
you wish to return
when slumber is broken.
Emptiness so frail and hollow and strong
that it envelops you, begs to be noticed,
eats at you; how ironic, this hunger...
You are more than noticed.

Tonight, it is mine
and it is beautiful
and I cherish it
in silence.


So *that* just came up and out of nowhere. Ha, I like when that happens.

I'm sitting on K's futon as he naps in the other room. Yes, it's 9:42 PM and he's napping. I just woke up as well, in fact. I'd been up since 7 on only about five hours sleep, and he hardly sleeps well at all any night, so I'm sure the four hour "nap" has done us some good. Other than probably ensuring that we'll be up all night, of course. Meh. It felt great.

I did so well today. I make myself proud (at least in this respect, in this moment). The morning started off a bit rocky, as the binge monster did her bitchy best to come back from the dead and tempt me with promises of peanut butter and cinnamon toast...No. I am better than this, I would say. Even as I reiterated that fact to myself, I prepared one slice of toast to c/s. Swallowed a single bite. It was good. It tasted lovely. And I felt no guilt. Then I had oatmeal. Then I had vegetables. Then K woke up and I made him eggs and homemade hashbrowns with cheese and garlic and oregano and MAN, they were good. Then I had more vegetables.

I felt full at one point, and my insides gurgled at me in disgusted complaint. Laxies from yesterday still hadn't completed their tour of my lower intestine, and I suddenly felt bothered with my choice to eat at all today. Couldn't you have fasted today? Made up for yesterday? That would have been better...

But none of that matters now, because I fixed it. Oh yes. I pulled my lazy-feeling self off the couch, filled up the biggest water bottle we have here and grabbed my iPod (which, I would soon find, needed to be charged for a while longer) and headed down to the apartment complex's dinky-but-effective exercise room. It's really just a tiny room with three treadmills and a shoddy old elliptical machine, but hey, it's MUCH better than any cardio benefit the futon can provide me.

Well. Almost better. I mean, if K's not around. Yeah. Moving on. :P

Burned 325 calories (about all I'd consumed for the morning) and then we went to IKEA. Had this salmon thing there and some vegetables. Not much food at all. My stomach was growling before we even got home (about a 40 minute drive). Got here, had even MORE steamed veggies and some tiny shrimp. Went to bed. I'm so far in the negative for calories today it's crazy wonderful. :)

Tomorrow, I will weigh. We shall see where I stand. I am incredibly optimistic. Even as I type, though, I realize and fully appreciate the importance of my staying out of the kitchen. Playing with fire is not usually a good idea when you're hungry. And by fire, I mean bread and butter and sausage and vegetables and applesauce and pasta and oatmeal and cereal and a good many other things that lurk in that room over there. A room of food. How very unappealing right now, from the safety of this couch.

This is pretty long, huh? Yeah. It is. I apologize halfheartedly. Heh, just being honest.

I do so sincerely hope that all of you ladies are well. I am, myself, and it feels better than I can say to end this day on a good note. Thank you for reading, as always... It does my heart a world of good to know that my words do not fall on deaf (or critical) ears. ...okay, so maybe they do, in some instances. Either way, I'm thankful for every single one of you and your support of me; you do see ME for ME and not just my disorder, and that is more important than I think many of us can describe to the general public. I am a beautiful, successful, determined, kind, intelligent, inspiring, motivated, loving woman...and only AFTER all of that, am I anorexic. I am not defined by an imbalance in brain chemistry or by the control I choose, at this time in my life, to exert over my eating habits. I am more. Thank you all for seeing it, and accepting me as I am. <3

Stay lovely. :)

Friday, January 29, 2010

A bump in the road...They're inevitable.

First of all, thank you LOVELY ladies for all of your wonderful comments on my recent post and photo...Every single one made me smile, and smiles are worth their weight in gold, don'tcha know. :D

So what usually happens after about three or four days of wonderful, successful restriction and hardcore adherence to my strenuous exercise regimen? Hmm? Oh, YOU guessed it!

She binged.

BUT...just a little. I restricted faithfully all morning, and let it go after about 4 PM. I'm thinking I hit about 1,700 calories for the day. My BMR is about 1,400 or so, and I walked quite a bit in addition to doing housework today. I think I'm fine.

But wait...There's more.

It doesn't matter that walking the campus and cleaning the entire house probably burned the excess calories I consumed today (most through c/s, if you'd believe that!!)...Oh no... I c/s'd it up hardcore today, so much so that I can't even begin to name everything that found its way in and straight back out of my mouth again today. After all of that, I decided that eating a HUGE bowl of steamed spinach was a good idea. Sure, it tasted great, but of course I felt incredibly bloated afterwards. Vowed right then and there that I'd eat nothing else for the rest of the day.

Of course, on a binge day, I kept going. Sugar free Jell-o is nearly harmless but, once again, it wasn't so much the calorie content that got me as the FULLNESS. Yeah...and then 70 calorie pudding, twice. Handful of almonds. Graham crackers. PEANUT BUTTER. Just one tablespoon. Still. your long-lost friend, my throat. Four times in one, crouching? Backwards and forwards, bristle-end and the other end, whatever works, just GET THAT SHIT OUT OF ME. Stomach wasn't cooperating in relinquishing what I'd so recklessly given it. Only got about half of it up before my uncle came home.

I promised I wouldn't do that again. I promised, god damn it. Fuck.

Note to self (and I'll admit this is kind of funny, looking back on it now): Cherry jell-o makes for one scary muthafuckin' purge. That stuff is redder than red.

Oh, and my lip piercing...doesn't like purging either. Nor does my already raw throat (been sick as of late). I didn't care. I had to alleviate the horrid, disgusting stretching bloated fullness that was completely overtaking me... It's such an odd juxtaposition of physical elements, seeing my beautiful angular collarbone, connected to long, thinning arms above the ribcage of which I have grown so fond, and quite proud...only to land upon such a huge, protruding, distended beach ball sized belly... seriously. Just doesn't go.

Laxatives are already kicking in and, while I'm glad for their help, I *am* at K's house, trying not to totally embarrass myself with a trip to the restroom every five minutes.

It's okay. I'll pick myself up and dust myself off because I am stronger than this. I am on a roll, and I will continue to do just this well for as long as it takes. Today was a hiccup. That's all. My strength resumes tomorrow. No doubt about it.

This morning, before all of this happened, I woke up to a scale that said 133.0. Up a bit, yes, but not by much. And then I went and saw my psychiatrist, lied through my teeth in order to get my regular depression meds filled without a whole bunch of drama about my ED... She weighed me, and asked about the loss. Nonchalantly replied that I'd been working out more and had cut out red meat. Told her that I no longer even count my calories, and that my meals are all very healthy and balanced but not obsessed over. That my life is so much happier and fuller, now that I have learned to live without defining myself in terms of weight or numbers. Ha. The bullshitting award goes to... :P

Anyway, I should be off then. I look forward to reading all of your blogs this evening, and I hope you all have a lovely Friday evening. I <3 you all more than you will ever know! Really and truly. :D


Thursday, January 28, 2010

The scale and I...we're friends nowadays...

Monday, Jan. 25: 135.6

Tuesday, Jan. 26: 134.2

Wednesday, Jan. 27: 133.8

Today, Jan. 28: .....

132.6 !!!!!!!

Please, join me for a moment, and bask in sheer loveliness of these numbers....

*contented sigh...*

I love my will-power right now. It's rewarding me, my dedication is. It's reminding me of what I can and will achieve, just so long as I stick to this path and forsake all others... Ah, my Ana, thank you so much for returning to me. I've missed you so very much.

I've been missing about every other day as far as the gym is concerned. A part of me is wondering if this is a good thing; perhaps some of my very rapid loss is at least partly due to the fact that I'm not building up all that muscle mass, working for hours on the elliptical as I usually do. Hmm. Not that I should even consider removing my cardio from my routine...I need it to keep my metabolism up in the face of near-starvation. But still...maybe every other day is enough? Gah, I've been going to the gym every single day for so long, it feels weird to miss it. Then again, if I'm only consuming about 800 calories a day AND walking about campus and whatnot, perhaps that's enough. Perhaps? Apparently, it is. The scale loves me lately.

As I stepped up on it this morning, I was honestly prepared for it to tell me the same thing it did yesterday, as I did eat two bowls of veggies and some salad pretty late last night. While I know those calories are hardly significant in the grand scheme of things, the ruffage is still there, hanging out inside my body and weighing more than it oughtta. Anyway, 132 was definitely a HUGE surprise. :) And I couldn't be happier. I'll be down to 131 within the next few days, and then 130, and then...Holy shit, could it be? 120s??? I would have never imagined it possible a year ago, as I stood staring at a scale that read 147, 150, even more... I have to keep this up. While the rational, reasonable side of me understands that fluctuations are normal and it's quite possible that I'll more than likely gain a bit here and there before I lose all of this... the fully capable and very determined ana side says that ANY gain, no matter how small or temporary, is unacceptable, and so therefore less and less food must be consumed until... well... We'll get to that when we get to it.

Anyway, I'm sitting at school after class, just typing away, completely free to go home and yet I'd rather stay here. Why? Because leaving this art building means I have to walk through the nasty rain about 20 minutes to my car. Leaving means I have to return to the real world where my responsibilities require my time, effort, and money. Leaving means going outside into the open air where, despite the fact that I'm so much thinner today than I have ever felt, there will be hundreds and hundreds of girls so much smaller and more beautiful than myself, and my eyes will not be able to tear themselves from their perfect little legs, arms, collarbones, waists... Mostly legs. I'm glad when it's sunny because then my sunglasses hide the fact that I'm staring in awe and in jealousy.

I think I'll post a picture of myself from yesterday. I was feeling pretty, thinking of you ladies, and thought I'd snap a photo just in case you were wondering how I was looking. :P

Appointment with the university psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss getting my regular antidepressants refilled. Just give me the damn refill and stop messing with my head!! :P She'll want to talk about my ED. She's going to weigh me. The appointment is scheduled for 3 so I have plenty of time to load up on veggies and water (and heavy clothing) before she pulls out that little pen and paper and starts her dissection.

All right, my back hurts. This bench is NOT built for comfort. I'll talk to you soon, lovelies. Can't wait to catch up on all your blogs. :)


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My scale can't make up its mind.

133.6 or 133.8??

Do I even care??

No! :D The answer to that question is a FIRM N-o. Know why? Because yesterday was 134.6, and the day before that was 135.something or other... 133 is fine with me, regardless of what follows that decimal, at this point.

190 calories of cereal and fat free half-n-half. I'm fine with this, also. Today is a 1,000 calorie day (yesterday was 800, but I only made it up to about 750). I pick these calorie goals pretty randomly, basing them only on what the scale says and how I felt the day prior: yesterday was total shit, and I'm getting/have gotten quite sick, so I've course I'm feeling even MORE weak and cruddy than I usually would on such little food coupled with such physical exertion. Yesterday, for example, I felt so horridly dragged down and shitty that I actually fell asleep with little B after reading her bedtime stories around 9:30, even though I have tons of poetry reading stuff to do before this afternoon. Oh, and her bed? Toddler sized. So imagine yours truly curled up in a nearly fetal position, legs wrapped up and around a three-year-old squirmer of an "unsleepy" princess, waking up at about 1 AM wondering, "What the hell?" I HAVE READING TO DO!!! But no. After standing up, nearly fainting, and resigning myself to the fact that I'd probably get no quality studying done anyway, I went to my bed and slept. Woke up this morning feeling weak. Sick. Duh. I consumed 750 calories yesterday and burned about three times as many throughout the day. Naturally, one would expect some weakness....and weight loss... :D

All right, it's 7 AM, time to wake the little one and get her ready for school. I've got a busy day ahead of me (Day...5? of no Wellbutrin...GODS, wish me luck with that...Fuck.) so I'll get gone. I hope you all have a lovely day/evening/night/morning/life... and I'll be back as soon as circumstances allow. <3

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Back in the swing of things...

It feels good to have successfully completed another day of good restriction and exercise. It's only the second day I've managed since the ever-notorious binge monster elected to take up residence within the paper-thin walls of my consciousness last week... I'm beating him. Emi Jay, we'll beat him together! ;)

Don't be fooled by the smiley emoticon and optimistic tone of my title today... I still feel utterly and entirely like dog shit. Horse shit, even. Triceratops shit? Something huge and smelly. I figured out why, though, so that's a plus. I guess. A step in the right direction, at the very least.

When I recently ran out of my Wellbutrin XL, I called the university health center and they informed me that they no longer provide that particular drug to their students, but that they'd be happy to set me up with an appointment to see my shrink again to reevaluate and see what else I could take in its place...(Have I already gone over this? I have that uncanny feeling of repeating myself right now...) Anyway, I don't want to take anything else in its place. Wellbutrin XL is the only antidepressant/antianxiety SSRI I've ever taken with consistent success. Why change it? Damn it. I'm messed up already. Don't do this to me.

Anyway, so I've been supplementing with SR instead of the XL...turns out this shit is not all. It's as if I'm taking nothing at all. Wellbutrin withdrawals are pretty fucking unbearable. Explains everything. So. How and when can I fix this? Could be as late as Friday. That sucks. In the meantime, I'm crying constantly for no reason, feeling as if I'm about to explode or faint or puke at any given moment...Ugh. I hate it. least there's 134 this morning. Yes, you were all right. Water weight and...well, the remnants of a three day stint of unrestrained eating. But yes, 134 is more than acceptable, for what I've been doing lately. And tomorrow...I'm hoping for less. Always hoping for less.

I feel like I have so much more to say and not nearly the brainpower or the time to say it. I'm expected to have an entire book on the art of the poetic line read by tomorrow at 3:30. Guess who hasn't even started it? That'd be me. And goddamn it, my throat hurts. I'm sick as shit, in every sense of the world. My throat is all raw and swollen and my poor little lymph nodes... I look like a bullfrog. Ugh.

I don't have time to write and that frustrates me. My daughter needs me and my book needs to be read and K is IMing me about the game he's building and I'm excited for him and proud of him but the apathy I'm facing at the moment due to this ridiculous chemical imbalance makes it very difficult for me to *care* about anyone or anything...


I feel better for having updated, but I'm leaving now dissatisfied with this entry...feels like I accomplished nothing more than perhaps ascertaining that I am, indeed, still alive and somewhat sane... Sorry.

Love you all, thank you so much for your support and kind words.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Not ready to be awake yet. I have no say in the matter.

I think...hope...the scale...

Must be wrong. :/

Two glasses of wine, a half cup of roasted vegetables, and one very large piece of bread. That was dinner last night at a friend's birthday bash downtown. My thoughts at the time? I could have done much worse. You should have seen the size and density of the AMAZING brownie everyone was passing around. And the ice cream. And the bread pudding. And the gelato. And the ribs and chicken and mashed potatoes and french fries and chips and pasta and stew. And I *thought* I was doing well for myself with what I got. Eating NOTHING would have been doing well. Stopping myself from eating anything...ugh.

Three days of eating. Three pounds gained? The numbers don't add up. 3,500 calories in a pound. I obviously have NOT consumed an excess of 3,500 calories a day. I've burned approximately 1,500 calories in cardio (which isn't enough at ALL, but it's worth considering) over the past few days, as well. Add that to BMR burnage and there's no way that kind of excess could have occurred. Even with the tons of vegetables and occasional granola bar or bread, the fruit, one serving of pasta with tomato sauce, girl scout cookies, Starbucks, the one-time binge of Walden Farm's/JIF mixture of calorie-free/real peanut butter...and everything else... I still did not ever go over 2,000 in a day, at the most. So...I could not have possibly gained this much. ...could I?

Laxatives. My friend, my enemy. Like so much else in my life.

Today I'm at 200. Toast got me. Weak. But no more weakness. I can't afford it. The feeling of backtracking is unbearable. I think what's killing me is this recent, overwhelming sense of apathy concerning myself, and life in general. I'm going through the motions, getting done what needs to be done, but not feeling much more than a sense of duty to the world, to the people in mine.

Purpose, motivation to make changes, that drive...They require passion, will, resolve. I have to *want* to make the effort, and right now, I don't *want* to do anything but disappear into thin air and not be missed by anyone or anything for more than just a little while. This type of antisocial thought process has become more and more prominent over the past few weeks, but it's only now that I'm recognizing it for what it is, rather than just feeling frustrated with no clue as to why I want to be alone all the time. *sigh...*

The c/s cycle has gotten worse, too. Quickly. I now think about doing it multiple times in an hour, wondering when I'll get my next chance to chew something, what will it be? Where can I do it without being seen? How will I dispose of the evidence; will I actually stop and buy something just to c/s? Or will I wait til I'm home and do it there, where the food has already been purchased and I don't feel AS guilty because at least I'm not spending *extra* money on doing it... Ah, the guilt. The shame involved. The secrecy. The feeling of giving in to temptation. The slight high, fluttery feeling I get in my chest as I binge but spit.

It feels like stealing.

The adrenaline rush is short and small, but tangible...Abandon of control, rebellion against the rules, defying all that I should be following... Ugh, were I to share any of this with my psychiatrist she'd have me committed. :P Nah...She wouldn't/couldn't. But a field day she *would* have; I'd have her running back to her textbooks and research, trying to analyze all of my deeper, inner bullshit. I would usually take this task upon myself, but introspection is too hard today. It drains me.

I'm off to read your lovely writings, my dears. The little glimpses I get into your lives and thoughts help me put all of what I suffer into perspective... when perspective is what I need the most.

EDIT: Ha...So I was just posting a comment on Salix's blog and the captcha word verification thing made me type "fatione" ... and I saw "fat one" instantly. Thanks, Blogger. xP

Another edit: I just found this. Thought it was interesting, considering the fact that I've been a bit off with my medication (Wellbutrin, an SSRI for my depression and anxiety) and I'm wondering if fucking with my seratonin levels could be causing all of my compulsive overeating...
Serotonin, Food Cravings and Binge Eating – Learn the Connections!

I'm tired. I can't go back to bed. The little angel woke me at 6...zzzzzzz....I can't wait for naptime. Please, please... let there be a naptime.

Stay lovely, my beauties.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Okay, enough is enough...

I have to figure this out.

Correction: I NEED to figure this shit out.

I can't go on this way. It's easy enough to say that "everyone has a bad day now and again" or that "it's okay, move on, it's just one binge..." But NO... This is day THREE...count 'em... 3!!!! of eating...and eating...and EATING. And not stopping when it starts to hurt. My stomach begins to revolt against the madness, threatening to purge it all up *for* me, even without the help of a well-meaning finger or toothbrush. I've sworn off purging, and so I won't do it...but eating enough past your limit and your body will eventually start to defend itself.

Vegetables. Good thing to binge eat, right? You'd think so. Even three bags of frozen vegetables...about 10 or 11 cups of broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, peppers, beans, etc. is only about 500 calories or so, and that's a very rough estimate. Not a horrible binge, even when added to the half bag of Quaker rice crisps and dehydrated veggie chips I ate earlier. Better than chocolate pudding right? (believe me, had there been pudding here, I would have eaten that first).

The discomfort of eating this food is both immediate and enduring. We all know what these vegetables and starches can do to your digestive system, right? Magnify that about 10 kajillion times and you have the gas/intestinal pains I'll be dealing with later this afternoon. Not only that, but hell...I'm up to about 700 calories already today, with no cardio as of yet. It's only noon. Fml.

Yesterday topped out at about 2100. I'm guessing. Probably around there. No cardio. The day prior? Well, you read about that. Managed to work off 700 in the gym (but fucked up my right knee)...weighed myself this morning, even though it wasn't a good idea, the day after a binge. All that shit (literally and figuratively) is still hanging out inside of me, weighing more than my actual fatness does by itself. 136.something or other. I really honestly don't remember the .something because after I saw 136 my brain shut off and prepared for yet another anxiety/self-pity binge. Enter the dehydrated vegetable chips and the rest of little B's oatmeal. Fuck.

I don't know what this is, but it needs to stop. So VERY recently, I was doing so well. What changed? What's happening to me? I can blame it on stress or the lack of control I feel over my finances, home life, school, any of that... but really... honestly...No one ever wins like that, playing the blame game. It's all me. I need to re-find my strength. And FUCK, I need to STOP accidentally snagging my lip ring with my fingernail. That hurt more than I can say, and that's the second time I've done that in two days. Ouch.

I'm glad you guys like my new profile pic. It's hard to believe, feeling as fat and disgusting as I do RIGHT now, that I took that two days ago. Looking in the mirror this morning, I turned around and away from the flabby front view and let my eyes fall upon my still faithful shoulderblades...spine, ribs, all showing prominently through my needs-to-be-tanner skin. All I could think was, "There's still time to save this. It's not too late." I haven't RUINED months and months of tireless exercise, hardcore just feels like I have.

This is so hard.

Thank you all for reading.


Friday, January 22, 2010

Once again, you guys save me from myself...

...Thank you.

I could try and think of a better way to say it, but the truth is I don't have the brain power nor the time to do so at the moment, so I really hope that ya'll know how grateful I am for you. You're...amazing. You make this life bearable.

So I went to the gym last night after the whole binge/c&s episode and I burned off 700 calories in an hour. I was so faint by the time I was done I nearly passed out on the way out to the car. Not good...but at the same time, very good. You know what I mean.

Today, I've eaten much more than I should have by this point, but fortunately for my fat ass I was able to stop myself before it got really out of hand again. I'm at about 800 for the day, and I'm going to stop there. I know it's only an afternoon fast...less than a whole day...but I need this. I need to remind myself that *I* am in control. I'm the one that calls these shots. Not the crazy stress-induced, anxiety binge monsters that are currently taking up residence in my brain.

I didn't weigh myself this morning. I think I'll wait. Yep.

Oh, and I'm supposed to be cleaning the house right now. Like, hardcore cleaning. That's what Fridays are all about. Except now my Fridays also include going to both my Children's Lit class AND my boring chemistry class...THEN cleaning. Less time for cleaning equals more stress and more binge-- NO. NO more. I won't let this screw me over. It's a new semester so, naturally, I have a new schedule. It's a fact of life. Get over it, get used to it. Adapt. Gracefully. That's my plan.

Posted a new profile pic. Hope you don't mind it. Better yet, I hope you like it. ;)

Stay lovely, my perfect, wonderful, AMAZINGLY incredibly inspirational beauties.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

And...she binged.

I don't know what happened.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

My drive, my motivation, my strength, my presence of mind and purpose. Where has it all gone?

I would say that I'm "not proud" of what follows, but that doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. I hate this. I love this place. I need this place so that I can let out all of my hateful feelings about what I've done and how I am... and maybe, if I'm lucky, find someone else who doesn't think I'm half as crazy as I feel during all of it.

It started out with Starbucks. Walked in there with full intentions of purchasing one coffee and one pastry item to sneak away with and c/s. Not even positive as to why I needed this, but I did...The urge, the desire, the NEED to c/s that pumpkin bread was ridiculously profound...almost as strong as the need I had to starve myself so very recently...Where the fuck did THAT go?

Got two baked items from Starbucks. Took them to the bathroom. Felt very mia. Very. Sitting in secret, in hiding, trying to stay quiet when I heard footsteps on the tile. Waiting. Waiting for silence to denote that I was finally alone. Shoving handfuls of bread and blueberry crisp bar into my mouth, chewing ferociously, fervently, like an animal...Disgusting. Rolling the precious fattening crumbles of sugar and fruit around in my mouth and over my tongue, careful not to aggravate my piercing (which is still tender, naturally)... Spit. The second cup of coffee wasn't necessary, but I planned ahead...I would need a cup to spit in, right?

I swallowed about 1/4 of that food. Fail.

I left the bathroom feeling ashamed but still not fulfilled. What more do you fucking want? I wanted to ask myself aloud... I would get no answer anyway, but the frustration welling up inside me over this sudden and unexplained lapse in control demanded an outlet.

More food. Right.

I headed straight over to the very overpriced little convenience store and purchased, with much internal shame, a large bag of chocolate covered pretzels, a HUGE Reese's peanut butter cup, and a big travel sized cup of Ritz Cheese crackers. Couldn't even get home before I busted out the crackers, right there in the parking garage, and went to town. Greedily, piggishly, like a fucking glutton, just eating c/s'ing, swallowing about every third bite. Started the car. Got on the highway. Kept eating and spitting. Got home. Came inside. Continued. Dipped the fucking chocolate covered pretzels in PEANUT BUTTER and chewed them. Spit them. Disposed of all evidence. Ate a cup of sugar free jello and a handful of Craisins. My total today is probably about 1,500 calories consumed. None burned by cardio...Probably only about 200 by walking around campus.

I have to get to the gym. I have to NOT hate myself. I have to tell myself that tomorrow will be okay. Today, for that matter, will be okay. The more I get down on myself, the worse it gets. This is a stumble, not a fall. I will be all right.

I just have to figure out where my drive went. That push, the loathing for the fat that covers my perfect bones...THAT is what motivates me to go on. The girls I see at school every day are so thin and perfect and I am so far from them, and that is usually enough to remind me to starve. But it's not working that way anymore. This has always been about me...the comparisons only help, just like even the best thinspo. Thinspiration doesn't MAKE me do this, I have to make MYSELF do this.

Fuck. I'm sorry. And for some reason, I'm sorry for apologizing. I am completely aware of how stupid I probably sound right now. Thank you in advance for not pointing that out to me later.

I love you all.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

100 Posts, huh? Wow...

Hey look, it's me in cheap sunglasses and expensive make-up.

I feel guilty for not updating as often as I should. Maybe I was spending too *much* time on Blogger that possible? Sure it is. Maybe I'm spending a *normal* amount of time here now and it feels like not enough.

So today was the second day of school. I've decided that all four of my classes are completely awesome. Even chemistry. This may change soon, as chemistry gets more involved, but I can tell the really old and boring professor won't be assigning any incredibly difficult mathy-type questions. He said the simpler the calculator we buy for the class, the better, as it leaves less room for mistakes. :P Those fancy-schmancy calculators CAN be pretty ridiculous.

Also, I've elected to take two writing intensive courses this semester (Children's Literature and Creative Writing: Poetry), which would probably sound pretty insane to any normal person...Writing Intensive courses are so ...well...intense. And time consuming. And absolutely rife with opportunities to fall behind in reading assignments. Good thing I haven't had any time to buy my books yet. Damn it. I need to do that... tomorrow.

I'm honestly a little concerned that my classes and the time they require will drain me a bit more than my life already drains me...If I go missing for any length of time, I promise...I'm more than likely okay. As I said before, I promise to do my best to keep up here...I WILL try.

Friday morning, I have an appointment with my shrink to get a refill on my Wellbutrin. Easy, right? I've been taking it for nearly three years. No biggie. But the university requires that I have a psych follow-up before I renew my prescription. Unfortunately for me, this is the same psychiatrist who so generously prescribed me Celexa for my eating disorder. I took it for three days and quit, for multiple reasons. You cannot/will not get "better" until you're READY to get better. If I've learned nothing else along my journeys through the ups and downs of ana/mia/ednos, I've seen at least *this* fact to be true. No pill in the world is going to *fix* me, damn it. Stop trying.

When she weighs me on Friday, she'll see that I've lost almost ten lbs since the last time they saw me. This will not go over well. I'm not even fucking underweight. That's what bothers me. I'm still twenty lbs OVER the "underweight" BMI for my height and age. And yet red flags WILL fly if she sees that kind of loss... I'll drink a shit ton of water and wear heavy shoes, just to be sure. Easy.

Today was a pretty horrible day for restriction. I did work out, burning about 500 calories, but must have eaten like 1,200 or something. Fucking fail. Ugh, sorry... I'm not supposed to use that word. No, not fuck. I like that word. But fail. Not good. I'm not failing...I'm just not there *yet.*

I'll stop going on and on like this, because it feels like I'm saying nothing at all. I'm going to allow myself a little bit of time to read some blogs before I have to get the little one in the bath and get started on some of my required reading. I do hope you're all well, and please...don't give up on me. I feel...distanced...from you all, now that I'm not reading and writing as often as before.

And...I'm hungry. Sugar free jello is calling me... :/ I feel like that amazing and awesome little bout of strength I had there for a few days... feeling like I couldn't eat food even if I wanted it (which I didn't!)...that was fantastic. It's gone. I want it back. Ana, come back... Okay, I'm leaving.

Love you all...Thank you so much for making every single one of my 100 posts mean something. It's all about you guys. <3

Stay lovely, my dear beauties...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

First day back in school....

Prepare for a boring post...

I'm at school today. Yay. Art class should be fun this semester...I've been needing a good kick in the ass to start drawing and painting again.

Piercing is doing a good job of keeping me from eating anything in public. :P I either have to chew with my mouth open (not an option) or put very tiny morsels directly onto my molars and then chew very gingerly, hardly moving my lips or teeth or tongue at all. I guess it's even better than burning my tongue, eh Della? :P

So...back to 134.8 today. That's like... .2 lb loss from yesterday. I can deal with that, I suppose. Guess I'll have to.

Today's intake has been all right, considering the cardio work I've gotten in today. 350 cals at 1:25 PM...worked off 500 this morning. Schweetness.

Speaking of this morning...I haven't felt this goddamned sexy in so long. lol. Not what you were expecting? I try not to be too predictable. ;)

As I was walking to campus from my car, I realized I was getting lots of glances...some of them lingering longer and turning into stares...but good ones, not bad ones. I'm noticeably thinner than before, but I don't think that was it. I've got the whole totally tatted up appeal going, black hair with pink highlights now, new lip piercing... size extra-small spandex workout feel very desirable. It's good. It's fading, as the day goes on, but I'm trying to hold onto the confidence it gave me this morning... Yes.

So I should go. My coffee is getting cold and I think I'm supposed to meet a friend for lunch, even though I probably can't/won't be eating anything. Not even really that hungry.

I hope you're all doing well...I can't wait for the chance to catch up on all your blogs. :*

Stay lovely,


Monday, January 18, 2010

You ladies are the loveliest...

No matter what's going on with me or my day, I am pretty much guaranteed a genuine smile anytime I come here. I wish this community, full of so many beautiful, accepting, compassionate, and like-minded individuals, was an actual physical place I could go. I'd never want to leave.

It feels like I've been promising a REAL, substantial post for a while now. The sense of guilt I feel upon starting this passage stems from the fact that it's been days since I sat down and took the time to read all of your wonderful blogs, or to really write in my own. I'm concerned that school (which starts up again tomorrow) will keep me from writing/reading here as often as I'd like, but I'm promising here and now that I'll do my best. It's not like I can survive this life without you guys...I'm smart enough to realize that on my own. ;)

Thank you ladies, as always, for your sweet and caring comments. My piercing picture kind of made me look thin...Heh, I liked that. I don't always see it when I look in the mirror, and I certainly NEVER see it when I look at the scale, but every once in a while the crappy little camera on my phone will catch me in the right light, at just the right angle, and oh wow! Look! She has collarbones! Sweet deal!

The labret stud makes it pretty difficult to eat much of anything. It's not really the pain that stops me from eating, but rather the thought of irritating the site itself by chewing (moving the jewelry inadvertently) and getting any unnecessary food particles or acid in the piercing itself. As it is, I have to soak the thing in a homemade sea salt saline solution five times a day, rinsing it with alcohol-free mouthwash three times a day. Fun fun. All the same, I absolutely adore the way it looks. I hope it works out...My skin's pretty sensitive and I haven't had a lot of good luck with my ear piercings. *crossed fingers*

On another note, starting today, I've begun to take a protein supplement after my workout in hopes of staving off that horrible draggin'-ass weak feeling I've been experiencing as of late. I know it's obviously from lack of food, but pinning down the exact cause of it is a bit more difficult...I have to find precisely what my body is missing the most of the food I deny it...Is it protein? Carbs? Sugars? We shall see. The protein shot itself is 110 calories, but it includes 26 grams of protein. Ideally, were I healthy individual following the workout regimen that I do, I'd be consuming well over 60 grams of lean protein a day. Do I? Not even close. I used to. You know, when I was being all healthy and whatnot. Now I'm lucky to even get about 15 grams a day, and I know that's gotta take a huge toll on my muscular system. Probably another reason I was dropping weight so quickly... The loss of muscle mass is rapid and shows up quickly on the scale. Works in reverse, too: Ate tons of protein yesterday and hiked up Enchanted Rock for a few hours yesterday after a night of partying and dancing my ass off Saturday night. My quads and hamstrings were on fire, so rock hard and dense...and the scale says 135 again. AWESOME. Not. But I know it's mostly muscle this time, because the fat is still shrinking, especially around my hips and thighs. Is this all boring you to death? Okay. Moving on then.

So I'm sitting here at 340 calories for the day and it's 1:04 PM. My cardio burned 430 this morning. I'm looking at my cal log and trying not to be frustrated over the fact that 110 of those 340 calories came from a wimpy little liquid protein shot, which offered me nothing but a horrible aftertaste and absolutely NO filling qualities whatsoever. I'm still starving. Hungry. Yeah.

That reminds me...when I got home from K's house this morning, my uncle wasn't home but there WAS this huge double chocolate fudge covered cake with strawberries all over it sitting on the kitchen counter. I know he had a friend over last night so he probably baked for her. This cake is humongous...and it's actually only half of a cake, but still. SO big. I looked at it in, "Why the fuck is that cake in the kitchen of the house in which I live?" I've always been a major chocoholic. Always. My biggest weakness, right up there with peanut butter.

Then..something amazing happened. I walked over to the cake and gingerly lifted the Saran wrap from one corner of it. I sniffed at it. I stared at it. And I was repulsed.


Let that sink in. Repulsed. BY CHOCOLATE!!!! BY CAKE!!!! I stared in disgust, imagining how horribly fattening and sugary it was, made from full-fat milk and butter and eggs and all of that flour and Ana knows what else what went into it... and I wanted NO part of it! I've NEVER felt that way before about chocolate. Ever.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm overreacting. This was kind of a big deal, that's all. Made me happy, at least.

School. Tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it and at the same time dreading the waking up earlier, the driving through traffic, the long lectures, and of course, the homework. All the same, I'm going to try and keep a positive outlook. Really helps a ton.

I'm gonna go ahead and get started on my chores and errands. I hope each and every one of you is doing well, staying lovely, and remembering that I care, even if I don't seem to show it the way I'd like as of late.


Piercing pic...and excuses.

Once again, not much time to post. It's 2:30 AM and, though I'm not sleepy in the slightest, I have to go to bed. Big busy Monday ahead of me. I did go ahead and finally get my labret piercing. I've got 8 tattoos and six piercings...all in my ears...but now this makes seven. I hate needles, mind you, so this was a big deal. I love it. I'll post a pic and then get to bed...but I promise you lovelies a REAL post tomorrow.

Stay beautiful, stay lovely. <3

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Made cinnamon rolls this morning. Didn't even want one.

I'm sorry I'm behind. At least it feels like I'm behind. All of the sudden I feel like I've lost my ability to accurately and eloquently express myself here...or anywhere...and I don't like it. It makes me ... avoid writing. I still read your blogs, I just don't seem to have it in me to even comment as of late. I don't get it.

I'm not incredibly depressed, per se, I'm just...I don't even know. Preoccupied? Lame. It hardly takes any time at all to sit down and write a few lines, an update, anything...and yet I'm finding it difficult, even now, when I have nothing but complete peace and silence (B is at her grandmother's house this weekend)...*sigh*...

I've noticed something, and I'm thinking it may be a major contributing factor to this state in which I find myself as of late. The weakness I feel as a result of a drastically reduced caloric intake is to be expected. I'm willingly and willfully depriving my body of quite a bit of sustenance's feeling less and less like a chore or a choice, and more like a compulsion, a need, a fact of life... to avoid food...I realize, as I take a moment to re-read that sentence, that it sounds as if I'm on the edge, the cusp, of something even deeper than what I've heretofore experienced...Hm.

Either way, the thing I've noticed is that the weakness (that feeling of being somewhat in a fog or a daze, feeling like I'm wearing a ten-pound weight on my shoulders at all times, being just a little drowsy and down) is a cumulative type deal. Each day that I consume fewer than 500-600 net calories, it gets a little more difficult to push through that haze and get on with daily thought and activity. At the same time, I've noticed that, as it's taken a few days to reach that level of ...can't think of a better word than 'weakness' but I know there must, in turn, can't be immediately "fixed" by simply eating more in one day...Ah, this sounds like it's making very little sense. Example: I go for about four days eating very little and exercising, losing weight like it's my job, and by the fourth day I'm feeling that heavy feeling nearly all day. It makes me want to eat because it feels unhealthy, and everything logical in me says, "Don't hurt your body this way! It's bad!" so then I eat, thinking that's what I need to not feel weak anymore. Thing is, it doesn't go away. Still feel heavy and dragged down, almost like a hangover, but now I'm just full and disappointed in myself for eating. In theory, the "starvation hangover" feeling would go away after a few days of healthy eating (upwards of 1000 calories)...But...I'm getting to where I can't bring myself to do it. I'm afraid now, of gaining again. So instead I'll keep going...

Damn it. I can only imagine how all of this is going to sound. The last thing I want to do is worry anyone. While I'm sure some of you are probably thinking, "What the hell is HER deal, doesn't she get it? This is a *disorder*'s not supposed to feel good...It's *going* to hurt. That's what it does." ...I know a good many of you will be genuinely concerned for my well-being. Because you're all lovely like that. I'm sorry if I worry anyone. I'm just being honest. This is what I'm going through.

I did want to note my sincerest gratitude and appreciation for every single one of your comments; on my tattoos, my "thinness" :P, my determination, progress, all those good things...The wonderful things you ladies feel and take the time to say truly mean the world to me. So thank you.

I guess I'm off for now. Gotta get ready for movie time and then the circus. Heh, yeah, fun stuff.

Stay lovely, each and every one of you.

Friday, January 15, 2010

When everything seems right...

Last night, for the first time in a while...probably more than a week, I mean...I felt disordered again. It wasn't pleasant.

Things have been going relatively well for me. My weight loss has been more than half a pound a day, on average, for the past five days or so. What's not to love?

My nails are bluish, my spine, collarbones, shoulder blades all show, jutting up beautifully from under tighter skin as the fat melts off of me...I've been working so hard. I've been restricting more than I ever have before in *addition* to faithfully spending every single morning in the gym. It shows. That makes me happy.

Then I had a friend tell me I look "too thin," that I'm beautiful, but that I should be careful with "too much dieting" because "looking like a scarecrow isn't attractive either." Who the fuck says that's not attractive? Ugh... I shouldn't let it get to me at all. My goals are my goals for a reason...for a myriad of reasons. Outside influence should have no effect on me.

I'm lightheaded and feeling high this morning. I've not been fasting, but I feel like I have. Haven't eaten since about 3 pm yesterday, and even that was a salad. As I sat and played board games with K last night, it happened again...where I'm doing something COMPLETELY unrelated to food or weight or appearance or ANYthing...and ALL I can think about is that *something* in the fridge I would usually want but this time, I don't. I get that feeling more and more often now. "Ah, that looks amazingly delicious...I would so usually want that..." but then the desire is immediately shot to pieces and in its place stands a solid brick wall of refusal. It's as if THAT food, along with pretty much everything else, is simply not allowed...strictly forbidden...

My mind, previously relatively easily swayed by temptation (especially olfactory in nature...can't resist shit baking in the oven!) is suddenly shockingly accepting of the "rules". Doesn't even try and argue. Bows its head in submission and sulks away like a beaten puppy, tail between legs, nose to the ground in an obsequious gesture of compliance like I've never seen from myself before.

Ugh, I'm rambling and not getting anywhere.

Gist of it is this, I suppose (I'm not good with summaries or making long stories short, so bear with me, if you will): As I contemplated how I felt last night after what I deem to be a successful period of weight loss and restriction and exercise, the full-on selfish nature of what I do/am doing to myself kind of hit me...I suddenly saw a flash of what my world will look like when I reach my goal weight of 110. My mother in tears over what I'm doing, K...God, I don't even want to think about losing him, he's my whole world...He knows of my ED but he tends to view it somewhat lightly, not as an ED at all. He just figures I think about losing weight a lot, and admires my dedication. Will that admiration turn to disgust or dismay or disbelief when he sees me shrink and waste away to hardly anything at all? If I'm this "thin" at 133, and he can already feel my bones as he hugs me in bed at night, will he still find me as beautiful as I find myself when all of those bones show all over, prominently, defining my body for all that it is in smooth, clean lines of glorious vertebrae and ribs...*sigh...* Long story short my ASS.

I should go. I'm sorry if this feels unresolved. It is. All the same, I'm going to do my best to get out there and make today a KICKASS day. I think I'll get my hair colored, my nails done, and maybe even a pedicure if I have time before I have to go and clean the entire house.

I'm off to force myself to eat some oatmeal. 130 calories. The only "bread" or "grains" I'll get all day. I have to do it. Fuck, I used to look forward to breakfast.

Now I'm just wishing I could skip it altogether, feel this light and airy all day long.

For my love, and my daughter, I will not starve today. At least 800 calories. I promise.

Stay lovely, my loves.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

TATTOO pictures!!! Yay!!! :D

You ladies have waited so here they are! Without further ado (I'll have to give you guys an *actual* post later or tomorrow...) here they are. :D

Now I have no choice but to remember to stay lovely...each and every time I look in that mirror.

Meaningful ink...Turning mirrors from enemies to friends, one at a time. ;)

Guess the eff WHAT!

Holy crap, 133.4! :D

Day before yesterday? 135.6. YEAH. <3 Lovin' myself right about now.

I'm off to take B to daycare early today so I can get to the gym and spend a little more time there...and then back home to finish up that mural...and then off to lunch (side salad no dressing, please!) with my love, and THEN...

Tattoo time. :D Can hardly wait.

To pierce or not to pierce? That's my dilemma.

I think I may just wait on my labret. I mean...I'm scared. I'm not 100% sure. And when it comes to body modifications, I'd like to over 100% sure.

I hate to cut this short...I just had to give the little update. I started thinking...I should have started a little counter a long time ago, showing the date and my weight on those dates...just to review my progress later.

Meh. I know I'm 133 today! ;)

Stay lovely, my skinnies...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

So...are you ready for this?

And...we're back.

Babygirl's finally down for the night, my uncle is in his room leaving me alone, and I'm sitting out in the cold dining room typing away with my trusty tea, sipping my hunger away. Kind of. Not really. But I like to pretend it helps. Sometimes *that* works.

So I wanna tell you all about my day, but firstly I'd like to thank ya'll again for being so lovely. :) I honestly don't care how lame this is, but... My quality of life and state of mental health (and overall sense of well-being) were just about total SHIT before I found you girls. Seriously. I am so utterly and eternally grateful for all of you; I don't know where I'd be without you. You make this life more than just bearable, beyond merely tolerable...You make it okay for me to be the way I am, and help me see beyond the misery of it all...You've convinced me that while it may consume me, this disorder does *not* define me, and for that I can never thank you enough.

All the same, I'm sure I'll keep trying to find new and interesting ways to thank you... :P

Oh, and Della: As of late, I've actually had more trouble getting to sleep than doing much of anything else. Even resisting food is often easier than falling asleep. I blame it on the fact that I've gotten much more strict with myself concerning eating past 6 or 7, AND I've added like 200% MORE green tea and coffee to my diet than previously... Now you've got me trying to figure out what the best part of my day actually *is*... I'd say morning. I wake up so empty and lovely and thin, and my belly's flat and I get to weigh myself...Always look forward to that, even if I'm scared of what it'll tell me. Then I get to go work out and that's always a highlight. So yeah. There's your answer. :P

Umm...Let's see. Oh. The title of this blog. "Are you ready for this?" Pictures. Yes. The new ones. The ones from this morning. I'm ready to post them...I'm just hoping not to shock anyone into disbelief or any other emotion as to how/why I'd do such a thing.

Thing is, as bothered as I am about my many, many flaws, I find that, for some reason, posting them online is really a rather easy thing for me to do. Perhaps too easy. I'm very proud of my progress thusfar, and I place high value on feedback from others who're going through similar experiences as myself...maybe that's what it is. I'm not afraid of ridicule. I could care less. I'll take it if it comes, but honestly, I'm not expecting it. I feel such a need to share all of myself with you guys... Is that naive of me? Foolish? Meh. Maybe. Do I care? Apparently not.

Geez...this post is getting long. I don't feel like I could describe to you my whole day and all that it held without totally boring you out of your pretty little minds. Maybe I'll save all that shopping nonsense for later. Let's sum up the important parts and then I'll post that puppies and that'll be that. I've got some blog-readin' to do!!! ;)

Calories consumed: approximately 750 (approximate because I don't know how many calories were in the squid and shrimp salad I nibbled on today...but I guessed high when I factored this in...)

Calories burned (cardio): 200. This, obviously, doesn't include the number I burned while traipsing about the malls all day (should have worn my watch and chestbelt and then I would've totally known!)

Not a bad day at all, in my eyes. Not for me, anyway. :P Guess we'll find out tomorrow morning when it comes time to weigh again. Yay?

Pictures!! Ahh! So this is me at 134ish. 5'6 and a half. FATNESS. Yes. But I will be 110 one day and THEN...then I'll show you teh hawtness. ;)

To be continued...

You ladies are amazing. :D Thank you so much for all your comments on that last post. I wish I could e-hug each and every one of you...probably separately...or maybe together...That could either be really sweet and touching or really kinky and...touching.. Ha.

So I have this pictures of myself that I took this morning when I was feeling super skinny. Now that I look at them again, I'm not so convinced. I mean, they look admittedly better than the ones I posted in the last entry, the Valentine's Day ones...but still. Ugh. My resolution is to steer completely clear of negative thought and self-deprecation. So far, it's worked in my favor. But it's hard to feel positive about my self-image when I look and these and just see SO many problem areas.

That, and I went clothing shopping today. YEAH. We all know what that means.

*BIG ASS SIGH* Can I just get FIVE seconds of peace to myself!? SO fucking frustrated right now. I just get home from being out all day and it feels like I still can't take a breath...Little B wants this and the dogs need to be fed and I need to get the kitchen cleaned and dinner ready for my uncle and FUCK...I still haven't taken accurate count of my calories for the day yet and honestly, I never feel completely relaxed at any given moment unless I know exactly how much I've had. I'll have to go and return in a moment.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Old pictures...only 10 lbs ago. And other stuff.

About this time last year, I had a good friend of mine and emerging makeup artist/photographer help me out with some Valentine's Day photos for my man. I loved them. He posted them all up in his closet, and there they have stayed since then.

I took a good look at them tonight and couldn't help but think: "Wow...I actually thought I looked good back then..." but obviously, I didn't...and, "Man, I was only about 145...ten lbs heavier than I am now... but DAMN, there's a huge difference." I look much leaner now, and I'm glad for it. Thank Ana for the elliptical machine. ;)

I think I'll post a few of them here. Mind you, these are pictures taken of pictures, using a pretty shitty camera phone, so please excuse the quality. Frankly, I'm just really proud of myself for the transformation, as minor as it may be...I thought I'd remained pretty static for a while...Suppose not. :)

I don't really feel like writing tonight. I think I'm just frustrated and annoyed, and all of the bothered jumblings of my mind are suffocating the poetry and intelligent thought that simply *must* be there somewhere.

As I sit here at K's house, waiting for him to come home, the atmosphere still smells like the dinner I prepared for him earlier. Love cooking for that man.

He's gonna fall in love with that chicken friend steak, I'm sure of it.

I chewed and spit four bites of it. Why? Well...the first bite was to see if it tasted any good. Have to try it before I serve it to him, right?

Second, third, and fourth bites were because I really wanted to eat the stuff. But I won't let myself do that. Not after the relatively good day I've had. Can't go ruining it, especially so late in the evening.

Started my day with a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit..about 270 calories or so. Went to the gym and burned about 650 calories before I couldn't take the weakness anymore. My count, as of 9:09 PM, is at about 1,100 calories, and that's approximating pretty high. I don't know exactly how much of the oil in that c/s steak made it down my throat, or how much of the fat from the three -- count 'em, THREE -- Atkins granola/protein bars managed to sneak its way into my stomach, despite my very best efforts to get it all in the cup. Yeah...this c/s stuff is getting to be more of a regular occurrence. True binges have all but stopped. This is no coincidence. I'm okay with this. Definitely the lesser evil, Blue Butterfly. ;)

I said I didn't feel like writing and that's still true...and yet I'm writing. Huh. It's just that the little one is sitting next to me here on the futon, kicking me "on assident" every now and then...Dora the Explorer is a little louder than the voice in my head, and the kitchen is so full of disgusting dirty dishes and greasy pots and pans that I can hardly think of anything but getting in there and cleaning them before K gets home. Yes, this is HIS house, and NO, I don't live here...but I like to do things like that for him, you know? Kind of want to portray myself as the super-efficient housewife type even as I also *naturally* emanate the sexy-ass soon-to-be-ridiculously-thin MILF vibe as well...Ideal partner, yeah? :P

Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop now. Any comments on how crazy I am will be read and considered, but not in earnest.

I've done a lot of reading of your blogs, and if I didn't manage to comment (yet), I'm sorry. I will do my best to get caught up as soon as possible.

On the brightest side... TATTOO time is coming up! Thursday!!! Almost here! :D

(For anyone who's either had their lip pierced or is close to someone who has, I'd really like to hear from you...I'm still on the fence and I'm so terrified of (A) the needle and (B) scarring or permanent HUGE holes in my face...)

SO yeah. Leaving now. Thanks for reading!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Wow...Really? Today was a high day. :/

And not high in the good way.

It's 8 PM, and the little piece of paper sitting here beside me is blinking at me innocently. It's not my fault, it says. You chose to eat those things...that MUCH of those things.

"You're right," I think aloud. Blackberries are fantastic for fiber...but god, they're just so delicious. Addictive. And I CHOSE to eat 250 calories worth. Grand total for the day? 740. YEAH. Chew on that for a bit. Damn.

Speaking of chewing...yeah, can ya guess?

Little B asked for fishsticks and chicken nuggets for dinner tonight, along with peas and corn and juice. Sounded decent enough. For her. Not for Mommy. Of course, when she fails to eat all of it, there it is. The crispy fried chicken and golden, flaky fish...SMELLING amazing, like they do. I know better than to eat that crap. I'll utterly despise myself for days. The grease and batter and, thank you. I'm good. (Is it horrible that, for some reason, I consider this type of food acceptable for my three year old daughter but not for me?...Ugh...)

Then comes my "I can't waste food like that" voice. I think it's my mom's voice. Regardless of who it is, I can't bear to throw all of that "perfectly good" food in the trash. I ponder, for a moment, totally destroying it first, which is somehow better, to me, than simply throwing it away in its current delicious form. Like if I pour dish soap all over it first and THEN toss it, well hey, that's much better than throwing it away when someone could have very well eaten it. I know my logic fails to make any sense. Whatever.

So I did it. I grabbed my trusty plastic cup and paper towel, settled myself into a little nook of the kitchen not visible from any other room, and went to work. I often feel ashamed during this process (let's face it; it's not the most ladylike ritual, nor is it attractive or appealing or anything remotely close to socially acceptable) but oddly enough, I didn't feel anything but sheer enjoyment and indulgence this time. It was nice. I meticulously rinsed my mouth and spit between each bite, savoring the flavors and textures in all of their nasty fried glory and then promptly disposed of the evidence. I'm pretty good at this by now.

I know this kind of constitutes as a binge, or, in other words, a minor setback. Ideally, I wouldn't need to give in to this type of temptation at all, but...well, I did tonight. And it felt fantastic. I don't regret it at all. Now, as I sip my green tea and peruse my calorie log for the day, I don't crave a single thing. Not in this moment. That's a good feeling. :)

I got to the gym today, but only for about 20 minutes. Had to go get the little one, after painting on that mural all day. Used so much of my time doing that instead of working on mah fitness...but tomorrow will be much better. I plan to get to sleep relatively early tonight (around 10, ideally, but this tea may have different plans for me) and then wake up earlier in the morning to get to the gym. Yes. That's the plan.

Maybe I'll post some pictures of the mural animals. :) They're cartoonish and amateur, but that's kind of what they need to be...It's a playroom in my uncle's office (he's a therapist/counselor) and most of the kids that are in there are between 6 and 10 years of age. Yes. I'll post some. Til then...

Stay gorgeous, my lovelies!

Happy Monday...? And (old) tattoo pics.

Burned my tongue again.

Ha. I don't know why I find that so funny.

Yeah...I kinda do. :P

Food doesn't taste good on a burnt tongue. Score one for moi.

260 so far. Fruit and oatmeal and zero cal spiced chai tea...Yes. Win.

I weighed myself this morning; scale says I've gone back up from 134.0 to 135.6...Granted, I technically shouldn't even accept it as a valid weighing, considering I'd eaten a bit of oatmeal and had a few sips of water beforehand. Tomorrow...Tomorrow I will know for sure.

I wanted to thank you all so much for your comments and thoughts; it means so much to me that you lovely ladies take the time to read my ramblings in the first place. The commenting is just sugar-free icing on a calorie-free cake. ;)

Should be keeping relatively busy today. My uncle needs me to finish up the cartoonish jungle mural thing I started in his office playroom. I'll be sure to post pictures when it's all done. :)

Speaking of pics, I know a few of you were curious to see my other tattoos; I'll post them here. Well, all of them minus the crappy pegasus tramp stamp I got when I was 17. :P It needs more than touching up. When I finally get it fixed, I'll be sure to let you guys see it. ;)

I'm off. Be lovely, love yourselves, and keep up the awesome work. :D


Sunday, January 10, 2010

Well how about that...Huh.

After cardio (150 calories expended), I look at a total of 390 calories consumed today.

And it was the easiest thing in the world to do. Even easier than trying to restrict to 1,000.

Tons of veggies, I suppose...Get the right ones and you can eat for days without worry.

Probably had about five cups of various frozen cuts throughout the course of the day... Broccoli, cauliflower, a few carrots, asparagus, squash, green beans, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers... I love this stuff. ;)

Hope you're all well...Cross your skinny little fingers for me; I'm hoping my financial aid funds hit my account tomorrow. Wish wish wish! :D


Jumping in head first...advice?

Sometimes the responsible, logical, healthier side of my mind just isn't powerful enough to overcome this "disorder," not loud enough to drown out the provocative promises of my favorite phantom...Our dearest Ana.

Nearly a year ago, when I first discovered all that the pro-ana community had to offer me, I decided that the only way to achieve my goals was to starve *true* ana fashion. No more getting at least 1,200 calories a day in order to prevent the onset of the dreaded "starvation mode," no more eating a certain amount of whole grains, protein, fruits, vegetables, etc. in order to maintain a healthy balance of the food groups...No, I was going to get thin and stay thin, regardless of the price I had to pay or the toll it would take on my body and mind. Yes, it was selfish, but I didn't see that. In my mind, I had found the answer, and I was going to do this RIGHT.

That lasted for all of a few weeks. My uncle, friends at school, and even my K noticed pretty early on. Refusing invitations to lunch, eating so little even while at home...I guess I was entirely too obvious.

Got into some therapy, did some reading of anorexic horror stories, and managed to scare myself away from that ledge...left the precipice just in time to save what I still retain of my sanity, but not before getting that taste...That glimpse of a life of total control, dropping half a pound a day, feeling so light and airy and starving through the pain for something that was worth so much more than my words could even say...

Since then, I've incorporated exercise into my plan, burning more calories at the gym in the morning than I'd ever eat at breakfast; this way, I figured, I was starting my day at a deficit with only roughly half the day left over in which to eat anything. It worked pretty well, I suppose. We all know that lean muscle mass added to the body will show up as a slightly higher number on the scale. That same muscle, however, will continue to more effectively burn fat calories for you even as you rest, doing double duty for you as long as you provide it with sufficient lean protein to repair itself. My BMR is higher than someone who does not exercise daily, which means, technically, that I could afford to eat more if I wanted. While I comprehend and appreciate all of this theory...since that's really what it boils down to...I can't help but think of how much weight I *could* lose if I chose to finally give in...and let Ana take control.

I have to force myself, most times, toward the end of each afternoon, to eat a bit more of this or of that in order to bring myself up to that calorie threshold: at least 1,000 to "prevent starvation mode" from beginning...RIGHT. Like my body has an internal ticker that keeps meticulous track of every single calorie burned and consumed, and if I fail to meet that magical number of 1,200, my metabolism instantly freaks out and begins storing fat from every source possible, eating away at muscle instead in attempts to survive this OBVIOUS famine I'm suffering. Fuck that shit.

While I'm sure that there's more than a grain of truth to all of this, I'm still convinced of a single fact, and I know THIS to be true: Starving works.


It does. This is more than obvious to all of us. Millions of images swim before us daily of our beloved thinspiration, whether they be celebrities or models or each other...and they starve. Beautifully. They don't sit there and drive themselves crazy with thoughts like, "Well, I don't want to starve myself now because I very well could be doing permanent damage to my metabolism and it may make me fat or sick or both later in life...I had better eat enough to get me up to that recommended minimum of 1,200...nom nom nom..."

No. They don't. They eat to live. Period. And they are thin. Strong. Beautiful. The perfection we all seek. So why must I berate myself for wanting to follow their example?

Back to the responsible, healthy, non-disordered side of my brain. Saying that my life is pretty chaotic as it is now, constantly obsessing over food and calories and measurements and numbers...Why exacerbate the situation even FURTHER by cutting those calories in half and spending even MORE time hurting in hunger? *sigh...* Because...the "healthy ana" lifestyle simply isn't working for me anymore. I can't STAND restricting all damn day, feeling so proud of myself for my determination and discipline, and then realizing that having only 600 calories a day isn't "healthy"...going to the fridge and pulling out some green beans and broccoli and EATING...when I'm not even fucking HUNGRY...that's like blaspheming right there... feels like a binge. Just so that I can stave off the possibility of slowing my ever-lovin' metabolism... I'm tired of it. I won't force feed myself anymore, not for my doctor, not for my therapist...I'd rather lie to them than to myself.

Ugh...Sorry this is so long. This stuff has been on my mind for a while. I kind of wanted to get some feedback from you lovelies on the matter, if you feel so inclined to comment. I'm so ready just to say fuck it all, Ana, take me. Take me under your featherlight wings and make me beautiful. I'm tired of defying you, tired of doing this the "healthy" way just to please some otherworldly phantom of a theory of a mode of starvation...Whatever.

*sigh...* I'm off. It's nearly 2 PM and I'm up to 280. No cardio yet, but it will come. And then I'll be back to zero. I'm just ready to be rid of this disgusting, leeching fat-covered body... She wants to see me succeed, she wants to give me the gift of what I've been chasing forever...The ability to see my beautiful, perfect bones...Why can't I just accept her and follow her? Why does this guilt, this apprehension, have to cloud my judgement?

Ah well. Thank you, ladies, as always, for reading and for your comments.

Stay lovely! <3

Update: is that I'm still at less than 500 for the day...nearly ALL broccoli and cauliflower and asparagus...and I still feel fail?

Feeling fail is NOT allowed! :P

Also...I'm bored.

I need to go work out. Yes. That will make me feel AWESOME. <3

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Holy shitbinge, Batman...





In self-discipline. In concern for my own well-being, my body, my fat fat fat ass.

Reckless disregard of the rules.

Today totals out at less than 2,000...but more than 1,500. I lost count.

This is not acceptable.

How is that I can't go for more than two or three days of perfect restriction without completely screwing myself over in the end?

Tomorrow...must be better.

It will be better.

I'm sorry, Ana. :(

I am Lovely. I am. I have to believe this.

Random pics, anyone?

Probably at 15 by now. I'll stop talking about it now. Does me no good.

I took some pictures today. I thought I'd share them. Just for shits and grins?

Be well, ladies...stay beautiful.


Sooo...I've eaten too much today. Lost count at about 1200.

...and Bingey was her name-o...


It's one of those days...

I'm so glad my darling hasn't gone grocery shopping since we got back from MN. know, because then there'd be food in the house...and in the current munchy state in which I find myself, I'd soon be feeling FULL and FAIL. And we don't want that, now do we?

Last night was pretty ridiculously horrible. I finished up my housework (I clean my uncle's entire house, laundry, etc. and run any necessary errands for him every Friday in return for room and board while I'm in school) and then packed up all the stuff the babygirl and I would need for a weekend at my boyfriend's place.

<...I sure do get tired of calling him "my boyfriend" every time I write about him.... The bf shall henceforth be called "K." The little one? "B." Yes. We'll try that. I don't know exactly how everyone will know that in the future if they miss this post, but hopefully I'll be adept enough with the ol' context clues so as to avoid any confusion...>

So it's pretty late by this point, after everyone's fed and watered and clothes are packed...probably about 10:40 or so. I check the weather right before we embark on our little 20 minute excursion (on a Friday night...ugh, stupid crazy ass motherfucking drunk drivers...I hate it) and see that it's about 17 degrees outside, with a windchill of about 10. FANTASTIC. Ha, I sure am complaining a lot in this post. Meh.

So anyway, we set out and B is nearly asleep already in her carseat, but still awake enough to ask me a kajillion questions as we pull out of the driveway. I'm just concentrating on keeping myself from turning into a girlsicle in the driver's seat; my heater works when it wants to; about 18% of the time. It mostly just makes a funny sound and doesn't blow any air at all, warm or otherwise. In all of my infinite wisdom and foresight, of course, I failed to bring gloves or a hat. Yeah. Us Texas girls aren't suited for this type of weather.

My defrost doesn't work, of course, so when the windshield started to fog up, I reached up in front of me and tried to wipe some of the condensation away. This never works as planned. That, and it seemed that a lot of the obstruction was on the OUTside... Recalling what K had said up in MN recently concerning windshield wiper fluid in cold weather, I switched on the wipers in complete confidence that the stuff would not freeze.

OH but it did. SOLID. Within an eighth of second, a surprisingly thick layer of opaque ice covered my entire field vision in one, immovable sheet. Can't see. Luckily, I'm still out on a secluded back road, so I can stop and try to remedy the situation without too much fear of being run down or shot or mugged or something of that nature.

We don't have ice scrapers down here. No one needs them. I'd never even seen snow until last year when we went up to Minnesota, not in my entire 23 years. Once again...Not suited.

Pulled out an old debit card and started scraping away. No gloves, no hat, just a coat that's just oversized enough to form a nice, big gap right over my chest and neck, inviting plenty of 10 degree chill down my shirt. NICE. Much to my disappointment, my ingenious plan of scraping the ice off wasn't working so well, and meanwhile, my fingers had turned from white to red to white again, streaked with scrapes I couldn't feel because they were beyond numb by this point. B was fast asleep, fortunately for me. Ugh. SO unpleasant, all of it.

Managed to drive to a gas station, continue scraping until my visibility was satisfactory, and then get on my way. BUT...not before the nighttime binge monster appeared rather unexpectedly, whispering that I'd definitely burned off enough calories getting through that ordeal alone to make up for the Reese's candy He really wanted me to "enjoy." Reese's = tastybutevil weakness of all weaknesses. I bought it. King-sized. I felt like a kid who'd stolen a pack of gum from right under the clerk's nose, walking back to the car slowly in the burning cold, clutching the forbidden chocolate close to my chest, underneath my huge coat.

"You will throw that away now, thank you."

Ana! She'd come back. Thank the gods.

Ah, but I'd just bought it. I literally have about $60 to my name right now...and I'd spent nearly $2 on this candy that I obviously wanted very badly.

"I'll just chew and spit it." I had made my decision. Win win, right?

Almost. It wasn't difficult to reach back and grab one of the twenty or more emptyish Starbucks cups from my rear floorboard and get to work. God, it tasted so amazing. I couldn't feel my fingers and my toes were missing too; my nose was bright red to match my bloodshot eyes, but my tastebuds...they were alive and well. I'd restricted all day like a good ana should... Less than 900, with nearly 500 calories burned via cardio and housecleaning...I was justifying. Rationalizing. I *deserved* it. Pssh.

I swallowed two small bites. The rest was faithfully spit into a cup I'm sure never expected to hold anything more than a delicious triple grande skinny cinnamon dolce latte...but hey, first time for everything, yeah?

All in all, my calorie count for yesterday was definitely under what I had planned in the morning. Second day in a row that I've done that. It feels nice.

There's no scale at K's house. Believe me, as soon as I get that financial aid disbursement in my account... $20 is going to a K's-house-scale. Have to have one, every single day.

Anyway...I'm just rambling now. I 'pologize. I needed to get my mind right, you know? Chase away the temptations before they got the best of me. Little B want's me to make some oatmeal cookies. That's, unfortunately, far too easy...So simple, so quick, and we have all the ingredients. She's 3. She doesn't have to know we have all the ingredients. Later, after we've been to the grocery and I've been allowed to purchase my body weight in spinach and cauliflower and broccoli...THEN, I'll make her some cookies. Yes.

I'm off to read your wonderful blogs, ladies. Your words keep me strong. Your presence keeps me sane. Thank you! ;)

Stay lovely!


Friday, January 8, 2010


Just burned the fuck out of my tongue! God. That tea is delicious (lemon spiced chai) AND zero cal, but damn...that hurt.

Ha...and I'm twisted for having this thought *directly* after scorching my poor taste buds:

"Well, at least I'll be less likely to eat now."


DUN dun Duuuuuuuuuunnnn!!!!!

Yesterday... was worth it. Worked off half the calories I ate, leaving me at approximately 450 or so "unburned" by exercise...but they were certainly burned by merely living yesterday, as my BMR is approximately 1,700 or so (according to one calculator...I get mixed results without the guide of a professional nutritionist)...

What was yesterday? 136.-something or other?

This morning... 134. Yes. I know it's higher than I want to be, but hey...that's the number I left off on when the holiday vacation began.

Makes me feel that much stronger to do the same today. :D

I've had my oatmeal...the greatest start to my day. Makes me feel fantastic, strong to go run and work my butt off...literally. My green tea with lemon and ginseng..Mmmm...

And meanwhile, my gourmet chef of an uncle is a few feet from me in the kitchen, cooking up who-knows-what of eggs and ham and cheese and toast... Not me!

Nothing *tastes* as good than THIN feels...

Stayin' LOVELY!


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Oh yeah, the picture. Duh.

Triple goddess symbol, for those of you wondering... and some random BEAUTIFUL thinspo! :D Enjoy!

Thank you for your input, lovelies!

Ah, how I love coming home to comments from you guys. Am I totally lame for driving home, thinking to myself, "I wonder if anyone's read that post yet? I'll have to check my email right after I fix dinner for the babygirl."

Meh...Lame I may be, but I sure as hell make up for it in awesome tattoo ideas! :P

The date is set. Thursday, January 14th, at 2 PM. I can hardly wait.

I'll be getting two tattoos and, more than likely, my labret piercing. Can I get a hell yes?! :D

"Stay Lovely" will grace the inside of my right arm, (mirror image, as previously described) opposite the beautiful Queen Isis. The triple goddess symbol (I'll post a pic) will be inked on the inside of my right wrist. They're both super simple, so my guy told me he'd do it all for $80. Yeah...guess who's gettin' a big fat tip that day? ;)

Ah...I'm needed. Babygirl calling. I hit 820 today, calorie-wise. That's pretty damn good for me, especially considering my exercise total this morning...what was it...390? My aim was 1000 or less. I'm happy.

Off to take care of the little one, and then hopefully I'll be back to catch up on some blog-followin' of my own. ;)

<3 Be well, lovely ladies.

Ahh, inspiration! Perhaps not the kind you'd expect...

All right, first and foremost...the after-gym, after-breakfast update. Then on to the juicy stuff. ;)

Oatmeal: 140
Egg whites: 30
1/2 toast: 45
Jam: 15
Total as of now (11:04 am): 230

230. Not horrible...BUT WAIT! There's more!

Went to the gym. Elliptical for 45 minutes = 390 calories burned. I know that isn't enough, definitely not what I had hoped to expend, but it does put me at a deficit. :) THAT is good.


On to the good stuff (and then I have to go get ready for a LUNCH date with an old girlfriend of mine...Yeah. LUNCH. I mentioned that earlier...Salad for me!)

I've been trying to decide on my next tattoo. It'll be my 7th, and I'll hopefully be able to get it done before January is over. The more I've been thinking about it, the more I'm leaning toward getting more than one...but that just depends on how much of my financial aid I can afford to spend on myself. ;)

How do you like this? In order to remind myself daily of the fact that I am, despite my very deepest convictions, really beautiful...somewhere...even if it's only on the inside for now...I'd like to get some ink to tell me so, every time I look in the mirror.

I was pretty positive I'd be happy with the word, "Beautiful" inscribed on my inner arm, but reversed, so that it'd reflect legibly when I looked at myself in the mirror.

However, in light of recent developments (blog and comment-related, via a few of my incredible followers and fellow ana/mia counterparts... <3) I think I may opt instead for a slightly different inscription...

How about "Stay Lovely"? :D

I can't think of anything better to both remind me daily of my inner beauty, as well as all that I'm doing here to cultivate my outer loveliness at the same time. Of course, it'd also serve as further inspiration to continue on this path, as I'm sure I'd think of all of you and your lovely strength every time I saw it.

So... Your thoughts? Input? I'm so excited...I can imagine it already.

I can also imagine myself being late for this lunch if I don't get out of here right now! ;)

Stay beautiful, lovely, amazing, and inspiring...every single one of you.


Official holiday gain weigh-in...

7:11 AM. I've waited long enough.

Same old rules, different day: Nothing to drink or eat before weigh-in. All clothing, jewelry, hair accessories, glasses, etc. removed.

My body shivers and my feet tingle in the cold. I allow my eyes to follow the winding trail of delicate goosebumps that spring up from my pale skin...down from the neck I know is not thin enough (yet) to the beloved collarbone and the slowly emerging sharpness of shoulders...Down my arms and over my ink (Isis looks like she has goosebumps herself, all over that perfectly crafted goddess body of hers)... And I step up. Onto the scale.



Not...terrible. When I left here for vacation about three weeks ago, I weighed 134.6.

Holiday weight. Ugh.

Good part is school doesn't start til the 19th. I have time to lose this while my time is still, for the most part, my own. Well...the daytime. Until 6:30, when my time becomes the sole property of a certain adorable little girl who wants nothing BUT all of her mommy's attention. I give it to her freely. She appreciates more than anyone else possibly could. <3

Speaking of the little ragamuffin, I've gotta get her up and out of bed and off to school. The lovely gym awaits.

Be well, my beauties... And thank you all so much for following and reading. We've hit 25 this morning! Schweet deal! :D
You guys are the absolute BEST.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Lovin' up on some emptiness...

...ah, there it is. That lovely hunger. I've missed you.

Tonight is my first night back in my own house in weeks. The fridge is full of groceries, thanks to my uncle, but most of it is relatively healthy (or so fucking unhealthy that I'm positively repulsed by it; think bacon, sour cream, ground beef, etc.) so there's very little danger here. Atkins granola bars are 200 calories a piece, but full of protein and chocolate flavor that tends to curb my cravings. Half of one is enough...c/s the other half and I'm all good.

So I said I wouldn't do it until the morning, but...God, my scale just missed me so much! I had to. I weighed (yes, in the evening, after eating and drinking all day long) 139 tonight. Holy shit fuck, I know! God damn. But... You know, I'm not going to let it get me down. More than likely, I'll weigh 136 or so in the morning...maybe 137. I can do this. I have to get it down. My goal of 127 by the 26th of January...yeah, that's gonna be pushing it. But I know I can do it. Just gonna require lots of hardcore restriction and as much exercise as I can possibly manage to eke out of this out-of-practice body of mine...I can do this.

I think I'm going to try planning out my meals. I've never really done it...I usually count calories as I go throughout my day, keeping them meticulously recorded on a tiny slip of paper that can easily fit into any pocket or purse...But planning one's meals is a good idea, I've heard. I shall try it.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting up with a friend of mine from middle/high school for lunch. Why must everything revolve around food? You can't just meet up at a coffee shop where I can have a calorie free black coffee like any other self-respecting weight-obsessed freak? I'll have a salad, thank you. Better yet, can you just bring me a plate of lettuce? kthxbai.

We shall see how that goes. Either way, it'll be good to see her. Catch up. Goodness knows it's been a while. Shit. Five years since I graduated high school. Ugh. Feelin' old at the moment. My eleven gray hairs remind me, too, anytime I lean in close enough to see them in the mirror. Oh, they're there. To stay. Pulling them out does NOT work.

And yes, tomorrow is the first day back to the gym. I can hardly wait. I know I'll need to try and pace myself; my endurance is always the first to go when I take any sort of leave from my usual routine. I want to burn at least 600 calories...shooting for more, of course, but we'll see.

Ah, my stomach is growling at me. Hush now... future Me will be so proud of present Me for abstaining. Ana is proud, and optimistic. She's willing to accept the fact that tomorrow's scale will tell us something we don't necessarily want to hear, because I have nothing but the purest and strongest and truest intentions of shedding this shit FAST. She's in my corner. :)

I hope all of you lithe lovelies are having a good evening/morning/afternoon... I'll update soon! <3