Friday, July 27, 2012

Shouldn't have weighed this morning. Duh.

Last night, as always, I got drunk and needed to eat something in order to keep myself from getting sick. Stupid mistake. Ugh.

Then, because I had eaten some Chex Mix, I felt that I had already screwed up badly enough to justify eating some fries with my Wendy's Berry Chicken Salad. Fantastic. Yesterday, 162.8. Today, 164.6. I know it's mostly food weight, but I just didn't need to see the number. Plus, I think my scale is a piece of shit liar. Need a new one, but I can't afford it. Meh.

Anyway. So that was last night. Finished eating, wanted to barf, couldn't because D was right there and knew that I wanted to. So I drank some more instead, smoked most of my cigarettes and felt sorry for myself. Yay.

Today, I have my workout clothes on (they haven't seen the light of day in far too long) and I'm planning a jog/brisk walk in the next 30 minutes. In order to have the energy for this, I had a Lean Cuisine meatloaf/potatoes meal for breakfast. It was 240 calories with 21 grams of protein. I love to have as much protein as I can in the mornings, so this was perfect.

After the jog, I'm going to have a shit ton of water, some tea and a small salad (just lettuce, tomato, cucumber and fat free Italian dressing). If I feel hungry before 3 PM, I'll have more tea and water. If I feel dizzy before then, I may have a can of tuna. More protein, nearly fat free.

I'm not sure that this is a good tactic, but I'm gonna try it out. All of my recovery therapy comes back to the surface when I start restricting. I remember Shelley talking to me, supporting me, teaching me, guiding me out of the darkness that was my disorder... and what am I doing now? Throwing it all away? I'm so... torn. Sigh.

Yes. So the baby is asleep and the bigger girlie is sitting on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubbzy. D is in our room, playing his computer games. I can reasonably take my 20 to 30 minute jog/walk and, hopefully, I won't wimp out and come home earlier than planned. Wish me luck, lovelies.


Sunday, July 22, 2012

So I was drunk and took you guys a picture.

Last night, D and I got Nana to watch the girls and we went out with a friend to a comedy club. It was super fun. Never done that before. I highly suggest it.

Downside: lots of fried food everywhere and you couldn't smoke inside. And the waitresses all wore short shorts and I hate that D is prone to looking. I know, I know, many will say that it's "just a man thing" and that's just what they do. I've heard it all. It doesn't make me feel any better, nor does it make me feel any less hideous. If he'd rather look at them, then that means I haven't reached my goal yet, right? Perhaps.

I had a margarita, a gin and tonic and two beers while I was there. Three shots of vodka and three vodka drinks at home. Not even close to enough water throughout, so of course, I had a headache this morning. It's getting better now, I suppose.

D commented positively on my stomach last night before we went to bed. I was wearing a bra and panties and was leaning over him to get the remote. Naturally, I wasn't entirely comfortable with my position, but it was necessary at the moment. Unexpectedly, he said that my stomach looked really good and that he could tell a difference from a month ago. It was nice to hear.

Anyway, I guess I should go and make some money or clean some dishes or something productive. As promised, here's your drunk picture of me (shown at 163 pounds). Yuck.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

New low... but how long will it last?

I ordered pizza for the family last night (against my will, but I was sort of left with no other option). I refused to have any. Said I wasn't hungry over the sound of my growling stomach.

Mostly, I was punishing myself for having caved earlier in the day. I had to drive down to get my oldest from her grandma, a round trip of about 230 miles. Naturally, she wanted McDonald's for lunch. We stopped. I should have just gotten a large diet soda and waited until I could have a salad at lunch. Oh, but no. Instead, I had some chicken bites and a grilled chicken wrap. And a small Diet Coke. Felt so fat after that. So? No pizza.

It bugs me that I had to pay for two pizzas that I couldn't eat. Fucking annoying. The leftovers in the fridge make the whole thing smell of cheesy goodness. I'm trying to pretend that it's covered in mold and animal entrails until it's all been eaten. That usually works. Try it out sometime.

So, even after the McDonald's debacle, skipping dinner and getting myself thoroughly wasted managed to bring me down to 162.0. My goal of getting to 146 by the middle of August seems to be slipping further and further away with each day. My self-control is nil when I'm drinking and my anxiety attacks are becoming more numerous. I have to find a way to afford my doctor's visit in order to get more Prozac. Have to.

I'm so tired. So jaded. So apathetic. The lack of medication is doing more to harm my work and family life than ever before. I just want to sleep all day. Escape the responsibilities of housework, caring for the girls, writing to make money, shopping for everyone... I just want to be unconscious for an indefinite period of time.

Ugh, what a depressing post. Sorry about that. Maybe a short nap will help. Maybe.

Tonight, like every other night, I will tell myself only a few drinks and, like every other night, I will end up going to sleep utterly drunk and, most likely, crying into my pillow over who knows what.

I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected. Hopefully better than all that.

Stay lovely, darlings.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Liquid fast? I'm not sure if that's a good idea...

Well. 163.6 this morning. I think that's a new low since I started over. It doesn't feel as exciting as I figured it would. I suppose that's because I know that I would be a lot smaller by now if I hadn't fucked up so many times over the course of the past two or three weeks.

Oh well. 163.6 is certainly something to be happy about. I told myself last night that I would be liquid fasting today in order to kick start my plan to lose 20 by my birthday. If I do manage to do that, I'll be at 146 (considering where I was when I set the goal) by the middle of August. Seems like a bit of a pipe dream, but hey... I'm just that crazy.

The only thing with liquid fasting for me is that I can never concentrate on my work when there's no food in my system. I had a bit of a protein shake this morning (just a few sips, so probably around 50 or 60 cals) and resisted the temptation to make some eggs. Thing is, I have been in recovery long enough to know that, after I've reached my goal, I will have to maintain it in a healthy way or the results won't stick. I can't fast and starve forever (I know I could, but my fiancee will NOT allow that), so in order to keep myself from gaining all the weight back, I have to remember that crash dieting is not my friend.

Easier said than done, right? So maybe not liquid fasting. I don't want to fuck my metabolism like I did last time. Maybe a light lunch and a few smallish snacks in addition to my salad for dinner... nothing totaling over 900 for the entire day (I was gonna say 500, but then I realized that that's pretty much starving myself anyway and I just made a big ol' speech on how that's bad, mmkay?).

I got really drunk last night ( mean like every night?) and put on a little strip tease for D. He liked it. Looking back, I'm a little surprised that I had the confidence to do something like that. Then I remember the power of 100 proof vodka and my insane ability to knock back shots like they're Kool-Aid.

I didn't end up working out yesterday OR going for a walk with the baby. I need to do that. I know she loves getting outside in her stroller and we ALL know that my fat ass needs the exercise. I will have to do that today. Also, I need to seriously cut back on the booze. It's expensive and I forget big chunks of time and whole conversations and it's making me fatter by the day. If anyone has any suggestions on how to NOT be an alcoholic... or at least any tips on how to slow down... I'm all ears.

Stay lovely, dearies.


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Failing and Planning... BIG things.

So my birthday is a little over a month away and I have resolved to lose 20 pounds by the time we have my party at the pool. I certainly don't want to be fat for my own birthday party. D will NOT be looking at other women on THAT particular day (actually, he probably will be, but he'll say it's just because he's a guy and he can't help it and I shouldn't be upset because he's with ME and not THEM, etc.).

Anyway. I'm not really doing much to help me reach my goal. Or, at least, I haven't been over the last few days. I went to my great aunt's funeral yesterday and the traveling should have been a good excuse to eat very little. Oh, but NOoooOOOoo... I couldn't POSSIBLY have taken advantage of *that* opportunity. No. I ate. And drank. And ate some more.

I bet that if I stopped drinking altogether, I'd probably lose that 20 pounds BEFORE my birthday.

RIGHT. Like that's gonna happen. I can openly (not proudly) admit that I drink far too much on a daily basis. That's going to have to stop before I end up causing irreparable damage to my internal organs. Seriously.

Anyway... I have decided that weighing this morning, after such a fail weekend, would not be a good idea. The pizza I had last night would inevitably show on the scale and cause me great depression throughout the rest of my day. Rather, I believe I will try to work out today at some point and eat very little... THEN weigh tomorrow. If it's higher than 166 by that point, I will be quite unhappy. But still motivated.

I hope you are all doing well. I feel like taking a long (all day long) nap. Too bad I have to work and shit.

Stay lovely, loveys.