I remember the good ol' days. I had over 220 followers and I followed them all, and more. And now... Well, I was forced to make my blog private. Though now, I'm thinking I might just change that.
I miss the camaraderie and the support (a bit redundant, but hey, I'm buzzed). I miss knowing what was going on in my girls' lives. It helped so much.
A is waking up (I use her initial because I soon plan to make this public again). I realize that I may have mentioned her full name before, but I don't care at this point. I just ... I miss my girls.
What does it mean that I miss you? The lifestyle, the friendships that span across oceans and continents and age? We all share and have shared so much. I don't know where I'm going. I stray from the path of recovery and feel guilty, horrid, lost and... liberated.
I have been gone for so long. I recall fondly the days in which I woke up and checked my blog first thing in the morning. At lunch. When I got home from school. During the day, when I had a spare moment. Every night. I had such a supportive and loving circle of friends I'd never met. And yet you meant so much to me.
This seems, in rereading, a post about nothing. How am I to regain my friends when all I do is type out my current thoughts, rather than getting down to business?
All right.
Here it is.
I am a 25-year-old mother and I am STILL eating disordered.
I have been through a partial recovery and still, to this day, cannot forsake everything that I lived for so long.
I am damaging myself and my family by descending into this once again. I realize that. ... Shouldn't that be enough for me to stop and seek help?
I just...
I want and NEED to be thin again. I suffered so deeply and for so long, just to get to that point. I've lost it now, and I want it back. All of that time and effort cannot be wasted.
Help me. All of you. Any of you. Please.
Stay lovely.
P.D.
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