Today, I have hope. And delicious, aromatic coffee, zero calories and wonderful. And cinnamon oatmeal, with tiny pieces of apple in it...My very favorite. And a 100-calorie chocolate chip Eggo waffle that, not surprisingly, wasn't as orgasmically good as I had anticipated. Live and learn.
Hope is obviously the most important of that list, as it is enduring, and the rest of the things are temporary...and actually gone by now. 'Cept the coffee...Lemme remedy that sitch right quick.
Ah, much better. 6:33 AM and I'm technically ready to start my day. That is, of course, if it were completely socially acceptable to go traipsing about outside in nothing but a pair of socks and a pair of glasses...No, it's not. Plus, it's cold. So no, but I'm *nearly* ready. This is good. I just need to remind myself that when you're in Bloggerdom, time passes at hyper-super-warp-speed, and hours can pass in mere seconds.
My little prescription pill escapade yesterday managed to achieve the desired effect: I found myself without appetite for the remainder of the day, but I ate, nonetheless. Ended the day at about 1,500, I'd say, but that's without keeping my log. God, I've gotten so lax about that. Journals and spirals and notebooks FULL of foods, calories, grams of fat, everything I consume and everything I burn, all of it so meticulously recorded...and here I've been, eating foods I'd never dream of eating, and failing to record them *on purpose*, I'm sure...to some degree.
Well, no more. Seriously. Last night, I entered into a pledge with http://dreamsxandxbones.blogspot.com/ to stop my binging. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to put it off another day. It's not like I ever consciously think, "I think I'll go ahead and wait til Monday to start anew, because I know I'll want to binge my ass off this weekend." Of course not. That's not how my internal monologue works. But it's something close...Like I know I'll want to, and it's happened so many times before that it feels almost inevitable... so in order to avoid the imminent failure feeling that follows after I make a promise to myself and then break it, I'd rather just not commit myself to such a thing. Pretty wussy, huh? Yeah, surely reads that way, now that I... read it....
This brings us to my next announcement...I got tattooed yesterday. Yes, spontaneously and randomly and literally about an hour after the impulse to do so hit me. RIGHT after I finished posting my last entry, actually. Remember all the talk of altering myself? Wanting to escape? Yes, well, I don't cut, and never have, but the searing burn of that inky needle in my flesh, driving into my skin over and over again...There's something much more deeply symbolic in my need to have someone do that to me than I'm letting myself explore at the moment...but you get the picture.
So, without further ado...(and I think you'll all be able to see why I love this so much):
-William Wordsworth
Yes...Because when the swirling chaos that is this world is too fucking tumultuous to bear, and my life feels too heavy to hold in my own two hands, I can't help but throw my arms up to the heavens and scream out in a whisper that no one hears...Where do I even begin???
There's your answer, P.D.
Just do it. Simply...begin. Everything else will follow...because it *has* to. That's what things do. When you start them...they continue. Life...continues. But *you're* the one that has to get the fuck up out of your self-pity and misery and *begin* to live it.
I'm living today. And now I have another reminder...a permanent reminder...to keep it up. There is NO reason to wait til tomorrow, to wait til later.
I love it.
And I love you all. I have to get the little one up for school. I have to try and see if I can take on the treadmill in this adorable knee brace. I have to get dressed and brave traffic and the cold and art class, even though I'm not quite feeling inspired. But when the weight of daily bullshit even tries to bring me down, I will think of you all and your support and how you genuinely care for me, and I will know I've got the best god-damned cheerleaders a girl could ever need. <3
Be well, and stay lovely.
