Thursday, February 18, 2010

Change your procedure, or change your perspective.

Thank you, all of you, for taking such time from your day and care from your heart to comment on my last post...I've really been falling apart lately (yes, even more than is normal for people like us). ;)

Today, I have hope. And delicious, aromatic coffee, zero calories and wonderful. And cinnamon oatmeal, with tiny pieces of apple in it...My very favorite. And a 100-calorie chocolate chip Eggo waffle that, not surprisingly, wasn't as orgasmically good as I had anticipated. Live and learn.

Hope is obviously the most important of that list, as it is enduring, and the rest of the things are temporary...and actually gone by now. 'Cept the coffee...Lemme remedy that sitch right quick.

Ah, much better. 6:33 AM and I'm technically ready to start my day. That is, of course, if it were completely socially acceptable to go traipsing about outside in nothing but a pair of socks and a pair of glasses...No, it's not. Plus, it's cold. So no, but I'm *nearly* ready. This is good. I just need to remind myself that when you're in Bloggerdom, time passes at hyper-super-warp-speed, and hours can pass in mere seconds.

My little prescription pill escapade yesterday managed to achieve the desired effect: I found myself without appetite for the remainder of the day, but I ate, nonetheless. Ended the day at about 1,500, I'd say, but that's without keeping my log. God, I've gotten so lax about that. Journals and spirals and notebooks FULL of foods, calories, grams of fat, everything I consume and everything I burn, all of it so meticulously recorded...and here I've been, eating foods I'd never dream of eating, and failing to record them *on purpose*, I'm some degree.

Well, no more. Seriously. Last night, I entered into a pledge with to stop my binging. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to put it off another day. It's not like I ever consciously think, "I think I'll go ahead and wait til Monday to start anew, because I know I'll want to binge my ass off this weekend." Of course not. That's not how my internal monologue works. But it's something close...Like I know I'll want to, and it's happened so many times before that it feels almost inevitable... so in order to avoid the imminent failure feeling that follows after I make a promise to myself and then break it, I'd rather just not commit myself to such a thing. Pretty wussy, huh? Yeah, surely reads that way, now that I... read it....

This brings us to my next announcement...I got tattooed yesterday. Yes, spontaneously and randomly and literally about an hour after the impulse to do so hit me. RIGHT after I finished posting my last entry, actually. Remember all the talk of altering myself? Wanting to escape? Yes, well, I don't cut, and never have, but the searing burn of that inky needle in my flesh, driving into my skin over and over again...There's something much more deeply symbolic in my need to have someone do that to me than I'm letting myself explore at the moment...but you get the picture.

So, without further ado...(and I think you'll all be able to see why I love this so much):

-William Wordsworth

Yes...Because when the swirling chaos that is this world is too fucking tumultuous to bear, and my life feels too heavy to hold in my own two hands, I can't help but throw my arms up to the heavens and scream out in a whisper that no one hears...Where do I even begin???

There's your answer, P.D.

Just do it. Simply...begin. Everything else will follow...because it *has* to. That's what things do. When you start them...they continue. Life...continues. But *you're* the one that has to get the fuck up out of your self-pity and misery and *begin* to live it.

I'm living today. And now I have another reminder...a permanent keep it up. There is NO reason to wait til tomorrow, to wait til later.

I love it.

And I love you all. I have to get the little one up for school. I have to try and see if I can take on the treadmill in this adorable knee brace. I have to get dressed and brave traffic and the cold and art class, even though I'm not quite feeling inspired. But when the weight of daily bullshit even tries to bring me down, I will think of you all and your support and how you genuinely care for me, and I will know I've got the best god-damned cheerleaders a girl could ever need. <3

Be well, and stay lovely.


  1. I love the tattoo! Those words are so inspirational :) I wish I were so impulsive sometimes!

    I know you'll do great at cutting out the binging. You just sound so committed to it. I believe in you, and I have my fingers crossed! I know you can do it! You've got it in the bag, girl!


  2. WOW! freakin awesome tatoo! Love it!!

    I need a tatoo, any suggestions?

    Love Battle xx

  3. kick ass tattoo!
    (im so jealous of your arms lol) i know you'll do great on not binging.
    stay strong

  4. A tattoo so wonderful only looks great on arms as fabulously thin as yours. Very inspirational words, very fitting.

    Thank you for the comment on my blog. Its nice to know people follow up with me. And it meant a lot.
    Thanks. XO



  5. Congratulations! That's a beautiful tattoo. :) Those words are simple, and so deliciously true. Go Will Words! Heehee. You rock my socks, and I'm going to join you in your awesome binge-free freedom.

    Peace & Love.

  6. I loooove text tattoos! That one is particularly awesome - a permanent reminder.

  7. I like the tattoo too. I always wanted one but can never decide on what I want. I'm glad you are doing a little better!!!!

  8. Love the tattoo--it's gorgeous! (and the meaning even more so)

    I am going to take inspiration from you--the binge-behavior must stop! No more making excuses for myself. Stress does not cause binging to become acceptable. I need to learn other, healthier ways to deal.

    You're amazing, PD. I know you can do this.

  9. that looks lovely. a constant reminder on your skin.
    how stunning.
    i've been having bad days too it must have been in the air :(
    here is to a better tomorrow!