Thursday, July 19, 2012

New low... but how long will it last?

I ordered pizza for the family last night (against my will, but I was sort of left with no other option). I refused to have any. Said I wasn't hungry over the sound of my growling stomach.

Mostly, I was punishing myself for having caved earlier in the day. I had to drive down to get my oldest from her grandma, a round trip of about 230 miles. Naturally, she wanted McDonald's for lunch. We stopped. I should have just gotten a large diet soda and waited until I could have a salad at lunch. Oh, but no. Instead, I had some chicken bites and a grilled chicken wrap. And a small Diet Coke. Felt so fat after that. So? No pizza.

It bugs me that I had to pay for two pizzas that I couldn't eat. Fucking annoying. The leftovers in the fridge make the whole thing smell of cheesy goodness. I'm trying to pretend that it's covered in mold and animal entrails until it's all been eaten. That usually works. Try it out sometime.

So, even after the McDonald's debacle, skipping dinner and getting myself thoroughly wasted managed to bring me down to 162.0. My goal of getting to 146 by the middle of August seems to be slipping further and further away with each day. My self-control is nil when I'm drinking and my anxiety attacks are becoming more numerous. I have to find a way to afford my doctor's visit in order to get more Prozac. Have to.

I'm so tired. So jaded. So apathetic. The lack of medication is doing more to harm my work and family life than ever before. I just want to sleep all day. Escape the responsibilities of housework, caring for the girls, writing to make money, shopping for everyone... I just want to be unconscious for an indefinite period of time.

Ugh, what a depressing post. Sorry about that. Maybe a short nap will help. Maybe.

Tonight, like every other night, I will tell myself only a few drinks and, like every other night, I will end up going to sleep utterly drunk and, most likely, crying into my pillow over who knows what.

I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected. Hopefully better than all that.

Stay lovely, darlings.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I love you. I do. Can't be helped.