Friday, July 27, 2012

Shouldn't have weighed this morning. Duh.

Last night, as always, I got drunk and needed to eat something in order to keep myself from getting sick. Stupid mistake. Ugh.

Then, because I had eaten some Chex Mix, I felt that I had already screwed up badly enough to justify eating some fries with my Wendy's Berry Chicken Salad. Fantastic. Yesterday, 162.8. Today, 164.6. I know it's mostly food weight, but I just didn't need to see the number. Plus, I think my scale is a piece of shit liar. Need a new one, but I can't afford it. Meh.

Anyway. So that was last night. Finished eating, wanted to barf, couldn't because D was right there and knew that I wanted to. So I drank some more instead, smoked most of my cigarettes and felt sorry for myself. Yay.

Today, I have my workout clothes on (they haven't seen the light of day in far too long) and I'm planning a jog/brisk walk in the next 30 minutes. In order to have the energy for this, I had a Lean Cuisine meatloaf/potatoes meal for breakfast. It was 240 calories with 21 grams of protein. I love to have as much protein as I can in the mornings, so this was perfect.

After the jog, I'm going to have a shit ton of water, some tea and a small salad (just lettuce, tomato, cucumber and fat free Italian dressing). If I feel hungry before 3 PM, I'll have more tea and water. If I feel dizzy before then, I may have a can of tuna. More protein, nearly fat free.

I'm not sure that this is a good tactic, but I'm gonna try it out. All of my recovery therapy comes back to the surface when I start restricting. I remember Shelley talking to me, supporting me, teaching me, guiding me out of the darkness that was my disorder... and what am I doing now? Throwing it all away? I'm so... torn. Sigh.

Yes. So the baby is asleep and the bigger girlie is sitting on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubbzy. D is in our room, playing his computer games. I can reasonably take my 20 to 30 minute jog/walk and, hopefully, I won't wimp out and come home earlier than planned. Wish me luck, lovelies.


1 comment:

  1. Run Forrest...Run! lol

    I send you strength for your exercise as well as your recovery. I do not envy you that struggle. I don't want to be a bad influence so I won't encourage you to restrict but I will let you know that I believe in you PD! You can do this the healthy way for the little loves and man in your life. This path does not have to lead to darkness darling. :) I'll keep a light on for you.