Well, then. This is recovery, huh?

I'm doing it.

Yeah.

And I'm feeling horribly fail and fat so often that I frequently question this move. As in... hourly. Minute-ly. Yes.

I've no scale at the moment (as prescribed by my lovely ED therapist), so I don't actually know how much I've gained. It feels like fifty pounds, but I know better. Realistically speaking, it's probably closer to eleven.

The freedom I feel, though, on the whole... It's unimaginable. Indescribable. I'm not happy yet, no... But damn... I think I must be on my way.

Having lived through all of this, I feel... so many things. Lost, without my disordered habits. Out of control, without the calorie-counting and constant weighing. FAT and unattractive, without my beautiful bones pushing through my skin everywhere.

I love that body. I miss it so much.

Looking in the mirror is literally like looking at a stranger's body. A stranger's... healthy, supple, feminine... body. My ass is back in full force, and I've gained two cup sizes since I stopped purging and restricting. My belly jiggles a little, and my thighs touch.

And yet...

The letting go of all of my self-loathing (a work in constant progress) is something so very ... priceless. Invaluable.

I am learning... (can't believe I'm actually saying this...) ...to love my SELF.

It's really quite insane, I know.

I still contemplate purging every single time I overeat. This is often.

I still look in the mirror and struggle to fight back the thoughts of relapse. That temptation is so sweet, and yet, somehow, I know that I will beat it.

This disorder will forever be a part of me. It has changed my life eternally. I will always be a part of this disorder, as well. My mind doesn't know how to think without it, and so it will continue to plague/help/torture/bless me as I continue my life.

One day at a time.


... Miss you, lovies.

<3

I've died and gone to Miracle Noodle HEAVEN...

I can't believe I've been living without these things my whole *freakin'* LIFE!


Seriously, though!? It's like ramen, but better, and ZERO CALORIES!

*squeals in excitement* :D :D :D

Mix them with fresh steamed veggies, throw 'em in a pot of bouillon (which we all know is full of sodium but only 15 calories per serving) and add a little oregano, basil, chili powder, garlic...whatever! The "noodles" (which are something like 98% water, mostly made of vegetable fiber) absorb the flavor of whatever sauce you choose...O..M..G.. Orgasmically good.

I could live on these, you know. That, and whole wheat toast with Walden Farms apple butter and caramel...both zero cal as well, of course... JESUS!

Sorry. I get excited.

Today...I am more motivated than I have been in weeks...probably closer to a month. I weighed myself, was naturally disappointed, but you know what? NO MORE. Whatever has been missing from my being as of late...my passion, my will-power, my drive...I've remembered it somehow, and it's in full force and I love it. I feel like I've been gifted something here, from someone...Like I was literally without this...thing...for the past month or so, and now it's been given back to me. I'm so grateful. :D

I'm excited and inspired and motivated to get back to ME...to who I really am, my happy self, my alwaysgettingthinner self, and it feels FANTASTIC.

Today, my lovelies, is an 800 calorie day. I'm at 445 and it's noon. I am RIGHT on track...craving a nectarine. That was random. I'll have one when I get home. It'll be my reward for sticking to my guns today.

Ooh, look, my shirt matches my nails today. Love it when that happens. :P



Thank you all so much for your support, always, but especially through these last few weeks. They've been so terribly trying, and though I'm not certain why, I'm certainly happy that it's over. I can only thank you for commenting on my posts, as well as all of your own inspiring blog entires...They help me SO much more than I can ever say.

I love you all dearly, I really do. I don't care if it's lame, but you're some of the best friends I have in this crazy, messed up, disordered world. Thank you for being so wonderful. <3