Out of touch, out of laxies, out of my mind...

...well, that's not entirely true, up there ^^^... I have more laxies, but they're Ex-Lax, and I'd rather stay away from them except for in case of emergencies. No, I mean my little bottle of Cascara Sagrada...it's empty! And I couldn't find it at the other grocery store I went to today...I'll try another tomorrow. I take two a day, regardless of what I've eaten or plan to eat, and it keeps me surprisingly regular...Of course, more serious visits from the binge-monster require the big guns. That's when the blue guys make their appearance...and I make my exit, directly to the nearest bathroom. For some reason, I always figure that taking a whole sheet of those things (9 pills) is a good idea at the time. Self-punishment? I wouldn't be surprised. It seems to be a recurring theme of sorts.

Out of touch, I said. Yes. As I was driving home from K's house to go pick up the little ragamuffin from daycare, I was thinking about you guys. Yes, I'm a big huge dork and my blogger family plays a big huge role in my life. Glad that's out in the open...Pssh, like you guys didn't know already... ;)

I was thinking about how nearly a week has passed since I've been allowed/given myself the time to really sit down and catch up on all the goings on of your lives here. I've managed to catch a few posts here and there, but what I really enjoy is a huge, uninterrupted chunk of time all to myself, in peace and quiet, so that I can really devote my full attention to all of your entries, and even more so that I can comment thoroughly (I'd love to comment on each and every one!)...but alas...honestly...Where am I going to find that kind of window? When no one's around? When the little one doesn't need me? When class isn't calling, or my uncle doesn't need me to run an errand? I know...even as I type this, I know...I don't mean it to sound as if I am complaining about being needed.

That would be silly. And horrible.

But you know what I mean. At least, I hope you do.

All the same, this lack of reading and commenting on my part really bothers me, even more every day. I'll be thinking about something entirely unrelated and suddenly realize that I haven't checked in on/heard from so-and-so, and immediately I am focus-driven on getting myself online as soon as physically possible... I feel just as bad as I would if I were neglecting an old friend, leaving them wondering if I even care to make time for them...I can't stand it! So tonight I'm going to try and catch up. Go through each and every one of them. It will be difficult. It will be inspiring, and saddening, and exciting, and eye-opening, and relaxing... and a great many other things, I'm sure.

I miss you guys.

...

On another note, I had a mini-binge tonight. Approximately 400 calories. Putting me at 670 for the day (net) after a run/jog/walk that burned a neat little 450 calories (and left both my already vulnerable knees swollen and aching!). Still. I could have done without the binge, which would have left me at less than 300 for the day, total!!! That's unheard of for me. Ah well. Tomorrow is another chance. Heh...I just realized that it's much easier to tell myself "tomorrow is another day to try again" if I haven't gone over my intake limit (today was 800). Had I binged like I wanted to, and let myself go, I may have exceeded 2,000...I know that saying "oh well, try harder tomorrow" would have been a hell of a lot more difficult, were that the case. Huh. Interesting.

K and I went to Whole Foods today (holyfuckingshitonawholewheatbiscuit, that was TORTURE and PARADISE all at the same effing time!) to look for shirataki Miracle Noodles (my supply's getting low and I don't wanna have to pay $12 shipping each time!)...They didn't have the Miracle Noodle (zero cal) brand, but they did have tofu shirataki, so I bought that. 40 calories per bag. Doable. While we were there, I picked up some fresh veggies and fruit and mushrooms, and proceeded to eat all of them in the car on the way home. No biggie, I knew at that point that I was at 167 calories for the day. Yes. I love that freedom. Nomnomnom.

I can't wait for Monday. Weigh day. Two days in a row under 900, many more to come. Tomorrow...hm. I've gotta decide tonight what tomorrow's menu will be. I've been doing that as of late and it's working GREAT. I used to simply eat as little as possible, tracking my calories as I went, but often becoming discouraged and giving up after bingeing or eating something with no nutrition info. Recipe for failure. Not anymore. :D Now I plan out the next day's menu, leaving nothing to chance. Breaking it up into breakfast, post-workout snack, lunch, snack, and dinner, I build a plan around my calorie limit (either 800, 900, or 1,000...this may decrease as time goes on). After it's all set up, I save it to my computer and write it down as well, keeping it on my person or in my wallet all day long.

NO EXCEPTIONS ALLOWED. I do not deviate from this preordained menu. I simply am not allowed to. I know that I've always, in my head, battled the urge to binge by repeating that old, worn-out reprimand: "You can NOT binge, do NOT do it, you will be so angry with yourself if you do, you'll be a total fuck-up and a fatass forever..." but somehow, as we've seen, this isn't very effective. I guess if it's on paper, right there in front of me, it's easier to follow. Regardless of the reason, this WORKS. Just so long as I don't let myself get TOO far gone...too hungry, too dizzy. Even if it means I have to sit down, have a peach, and drink a few cups of tea to get rid of the tracers behind my eyes, I have to give myself that time to come back...can't get too close to that brink. You know the one. The one where your body takes over and says, "Fuck you, I'm starving, I'm going to MAKE us eat..." Nope. Can't let it get there. When I plan my menu the night before, I try to take all of this into consideration, and plan accordingly. If I had a hard time with the dizziness or fatigue around, say, 3 PM, then I'll make sure my menu includes some fresh fruit and a slice of whole wheat toast around that time. Little pick me up. :D Problem averted.

I'm still working on this, but I kind of like it. It's a challenge, it's a science, and it's rewarding. Good stuff.

Oh, and I ordered some Topamax. Yeah. That's a side note when it should be a paragraph of its own, but I have blogs to read!! Muy importante!

I feel like taking a picture for you guys. :) One sec.



Hey, it's me and the only bone that loves me faithfully... Good ol' Collie. Yes. Like a dog. Loyal. Shows up even when I'm fat. Love.

Oh, and I'm painting this thing for a good friend of mine (began as a texting ana buddy, but now we're like sisters! Just separated by half a country... :P). Here's the beginning of it. It's a surprise, though, so don't tell! ;)



Long post, eh? Yeah. I'm leaving. I love you all dearly!!! THIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIiiiiiiIIIIIIssssSSSS much!!! And infinity times more.

<3

I've died and gone to Miracle Noodle HEAVEN...

I can't believe I've been living without these things my whole *freakin'* LIFE!


Seriously, though!? It's like ramen, but better, and ZERO CALORIES!

*squeals in excitement* :D :D :D

Mix them with fresh steamed veggies, throw 'em in a pot of bouillon (which we all know is full of sodium but only 15 calories per serving) and add a little oregano, basil, chili powder, garlic...whatever! The "noodles" (which are something like 98% water, mostly made of vegetable fiber) absorb the flavor of whatever sauce you choose...O..M..G.. Orgasmically good.

I could live on these, you know. That, and whole wheat toast with Walden Farms apple butter and caramel...both zero cal as well, of course... JESUS!

Sorry. I get excited.

Today...I am more motivated than I have been in weeks...probably closer to a month. I weighed myself, was naturally disappointed, but you know what? NO MORE. Whatever has been missing from my being as of late...my passion, my will-power, my drive...I've remembered it somehow, and it's in full force and I love it. I feel like I've been gifted something here, from someone...Like I was literally without this...thing...for the past month or so, and now it's been given back to me. I'm so grateful. :D

I'm excited and inspired and motivated to get back to ME...to who I really am, my happy self, my alwaysgettingthinner self, and it feels FANTASTIC.

Today, my lovelies, is an 800 calorie day. I'm at 445 and it's noon. I am RIGHT on track...craving a nectarine. That was random. I'll have one when I get home. It'll be my reward for sticking to my guns today.

Ooh, look, my shirt matches my nails today. Love it when that happens. :P



Thank you all so much for your support, always, but especially through these last few weeks. They've been so terribly trying, and though I'm not certain why, I'm certainly happy that it's over. I can only thank you for commenting on my posts, as well as all of your own inspiring blog entires...They help me SO much more than I can ever say.

I love you all dearly, I really do. I don't care if it's lame, but you're some of the best friends I have in this crazy, messed up, disordered world. Thank you for being so wonderful. <3

The big 4-0!! And no, I'm only 23... ;)

40 followers?! That's only one of the most awesome feelings in the world, especially at 6:24 AM when it's literally freezing BALLS outside and I'm sitting in front of my tiny laptop over steaming, caloriffic oatmeal, contemplating whether or not to brave the morning nastiness to get to the gym. Thank you so much for your support guys... I think I WILL make it to the gym today. :)

I'm letting myself eat a bit more today. I think I need to. I know we do a whole lot of "Shut up, stomach, I'M in charge here, and I say STARVE!!" around here, but there always comes a point at which we must listen to our bodies, at least with one ear. For this morning, I am there. I've reluctantly enjoyed (yes, you read that correctly) one slice of 60 calorie toast with about 90 calories of peanut butter on it, and one bowl of oatmeal at 160. That, I realize, sounds like a ton. Indeed, it is. BUT... I know that if I can get my lazy butt up out of this seriously uncomfortable chair (should make it a bit easier to leave, I'd think) and get to the gym, I'll be able to burn approximately 400 calories in 45 minutes with no problem. This number is based on what my heart rate monitoring watch dealie says, NOT what the gym equipment tells me. No, I can't trust those machines. They say I burn SO much, so many calories, while my watch tells me differently. And that watch is actually reading my pulse continuously as I work, sooooo.... Yes. We'll go with the watch.

132.8 this morning. That means I've reached my sub-goal of making it through the weekend (Vietnamese seafood dish and all) without gaining so much as an ounce. Yes, I was shooting for maintenance this weekend. Baby steps.

I can do this. I know I can. I remember being stuck at 140 for SOOO long, feeling like I'd never get past it. The mere fact that I did when it felt like I couldn't is enough to motivate me further, push me harder. :)

Though, this does bring us back to breakfast, and my irritatingly responsible "healthy" side. Yesterday, when I found myself at 3 PM at only 175 calories, I was, naturally, initially ecstatic. So proud of myself and my awesome sauceness. ;)

Then SHE came. Responsible Healthy Conscience. She sounded like this, "You know you're killing yourself..." WTF? In this soft, soothing, I'm-only-here-to-help voice. Ugh. And I know she's right, on some level. My organs and central nervous system and brain and all that, yes, they obviously need more than this to function correctly. But I had no desire to eat, whatsoever. Uh, DUH! Disorder. Not ordered. Someone of an ordered mind would never have let themselves get this far. So what did I do? I ate some carrots. And raisins. "Is that better?"

"Better. But eat some more."

GOD. She's almost as insatiable as Ana or Mia.

I had five bites of broccoli, three bites of mashed potatoes, and three bites of a pork chop dinner I made for K. "There. No more for the rest of the night."

And I stuck to it. Only to wake this morning to see... maintenance. Well. At least I didn't gain? No 'at least' exists here...I've ranted about that before.

All the same... I woke this morning feeling weaker than weak, emptiness (usually so lovely) was accompanied by an ache... A STRONG painful ache, deep in the core of me. FINE. I'll eat 1,200 calories today. Fuck it. BUT...I will work off at LEAST half of it. Ha! You never said I couldn't do that. ;)

Sorry, I'm crazy. Read the blog title. I even warned you in the forecast that there was a chance of crazy. I sho did.

I should go. The gym (and my sleeping little princess) awaits. And man, is she slow getting out of bed. :P Takes after her mommy...

I <3 you all. I've been reading and reading and only commenting when I can muster it, but please know that I've been reading. My support is there...just...quiet sometimes. Here's to a badass Monday, and one hell of a week! 129 by Friday!!! DO IT!! ;)

Official holiday gain weigh-in...

7:11 AM. I've waited long enough.

Same old rules, different day: Nothing to drink or eat before weigh-in. All clothing, jewelry, hair accessories, glasses, etc. removed.

My body shivers and my feet tingle in the cold. I allow my eyes to follow the winding trail of delicate goosebumps that spring up from my pale skin...down from the neck I know is not thin enough (yet) to the beloved collarbone and the slowly emerging sharpness of shoulders...Down my arms and over my ink (Isis looks like she has goosebumps herself, all over that perfectly crafted goddess body of hers)... And I step up. Onto the scale.

136.0.

*sigh*

Not...terrible. When I left here for vacation about three weeks ago, I weighed 134.6.

Holiday weight. Ugh.

Good part is school doesn't start til the 19th. I have time to lose this while my time is still, for the most part, my own. Well...the daytime. Until 6:30, when my time becomes the sole property of a certain adorable little girl who wants nothing BUT all of her mommy's attention. I give it to her freely. She appreciates more than anyone else possibly could. <3

Speaking of the little ragamuffin, I've gotta get her up and out of bed and off to school. The lovely gym awaits.

Be well, my beauties... And thank you all so much for following and reading. We've hit 25 this morning! Schweet deal! :D
You guys are the absolute BEST.

Love.