Things are ... looking up? Perhaps?

So I've decided that I'll stop apologizing to the few of you who may read this every once in a while for my lack of consistency in keeping up with it. Meh. What can I say? I'm a busy lady. That, and I haven't had too much to write over the past couple of days. Sure, tons of stuff has been going on, it always does... Life has this tendency to happen, you know? But when I write, in case you hadn't noticed already, my subject is usually pretty depressing, you know? Of course you do. Depressing and down and sad or angry or lost or confused or bothered...You know, negative. The reason is simple enough: the feelings I'd rather release, be without, etc., find their release here, and in poetry. Yes, I'm selfish and I write for myself. For my own sanity, therapy, whatever you'd like to call it. It helps, whether or not anyone is actually reading it. A public diary. Who would've thought? Thing is, when things are going just swimmingly, and I don't have any angst with which to fill these pages, I just... don't write. Instead, I go out and go camping with my boyfriend, or cook a random dinner for my uncle just because he loves my cooking, or instigate a spontaneous tickle party with my toddler because I LIVE for her laughter. These are things I do when I'm happy. I certainly don't have time, then, for sitting in silent brooding over a keyboard that must, by now, be way past tired of my tears falling in between its keys. As of this very moment, I sit here before a dimmed living room, as its past 9:30 PM, watching my little one perform daring feats of senseless recklessness all over the furniture quite a bit past her bedtime. And I'm happy. I'm currently enjoying a glass of wine that wasn't poured in hopes of medicating myself or forgetting anything or anyone, and I'm happy. I'm running in a 5k this weekend for the YMCA a few counties north of here and I'm really excited to push myself in that way, to test my own stamina and endurance, and that also makes me happy. I've managed to continue losing weight and toning muscle in my legs and arms WITHOUT the help of those overpriced diet pills...and that makes me VERY happy. I don't feel like complaining about a single thing...well, my upper back hurts quite a bit...this chair really sucks at being a chair... but other than that, my overall state is quite... content. Satisfied. It's a relatively uncommon feeling, but I could definitely get used to it. :) May mean that I don't write as much here... maybe... but perhaps that's a good thing. On the other hand, I very well could be back here on Monday with some new drama... You just don't know, now do you? ... :P Stay tuned, and stay well...

They say there's no magic pill...

Not much to report today, I suppose, other than the fact that I've officially decided...I think... :P... to stop taking my diet pills, after this bottle is finished. I've been taking diet pills (various types for multiple reasons, often mixing different kinds to achieve what I perceived to be the best possible effect) for over a year now, and yet haven't seen any lasting changes I can attribute directly to their use. It started with Slimquick, which I thought worked pretty well until I tried some others. Slimquick does what it says, and does it without giving you the jitters in the slightest. It's also relatively affordable as far as diet pills are concerned, so there's a plus. I dabbled a bit with a lot of little no-name brands, finding that most of them caused side effects that didn't even come close to outweighing the benefits. Hydroxycut seemed to have great appetite suppressant potential, but that quickly faded after about a week or so. Still, it seemed to effectively decrease water retention so I continued to take it, but soon discovered that it either contributed to depression all on its own or it simply negated some of the effects of my antidepressant in some way... Either way, I felt horrible on it. I stopped taking that with about ten doses left in the bottle. More recently, I tried Jillian Michaels' Fat Burner (yes, because it was new and promised all kinds of awesome results...and she looks great, and I let myself fall for that, so...lets us just go ahead and move on :P) but it didn't work nearly as well as I'd hoped. Same basic story, a little caffeine to give you a boost and some fat binders similar to those present in other products like Alli, but nothing as potent as that so as to actually show any major results. The caffeine in any given supplement is almost worthless to me, as my daily caffeine/ginseng/guarana/stimulant intake is so ridiculously high that it takes a pill of prescription strength (or about three of those 5-hour energy shots) to actually get me that same boost. Heh, I always have to laugh a little bit when I hear someone say something like, "Oh, I'm so tired, I need my caffeine fix... Lemme go grab a Diet Coke." lmao... I'd drink a case and a half before I'd feel anything, if I even enjoyed drinking soda of any kind. At any rate, the ONE supplement I've continued to buy and take religiously before nearly every meal for the past three months or so has been Ripped Fuel 5X by TwinLabs. The appetite suppressant factor was, naturally, more noticeable when I first started, and I have since then increased the dosage myself to adapt to my changing needs. Thing is about this one is that it really does what it promises when it comes to helping build lean muscle mass and *preserving* it once it's there. Not only that, but as far as I can tell, it does do a good job with the fat loss as well. Granted, I have incorporated more cardio into my workout than ever before, and I'm sure that helps out a ton...but I just love the results I've seen with this combination (in addition to my odd eating habits, of course...I'm sure that has something to do with my success). I love looking in the mirror and seeing those shadows, slight but strong lines of definition running down the sides of my calves, my thighs... My arms look fantastic, and I've done very little resistance in the past few months.

So why would I stop, you may ask? Well, for one, they cost money and I don't have much of it these days. Secondly, I have this theory about how these chemicals work in conjunction with my already effed up brain chemistry, my hormones, and my other prescription drugs. I don't necessarily feel like getting really in depth with it at the moment, but if you're curious, you can check out common side effects of women with too much testosterone in their bodies...Yeah, not too great. Sure, there's the muscle-gain/fat-loss aspect of it... but then there's the boob-shrinkage/random-but-persistent acne/mood swings issue as well. Dunlikethatatall. Nope. No thank you. And now, with the addition of Strattera into my arsenal, I think I'll be all set on the appetite front for a good while. That shit is NOT messing around. One fifth of a pill is enough to keep me free of food cravings for a good few hours, and I know from experience that an entire pill will do the same thing AND make me feel like I've immediately embarked on an all-out meth binge for at least three days... Being hungry would be the furthest thing from my mind. So. I'll experiment with that until I get to see the psychiatrist next week and see what he says. Naturally, I more than likely won't be sharing my disordered eating habits with him...well, maybe. Depends on how I'm feeling that way. To let on about any other mental instability than what is currently on trial (ADHD, in this case) would probably prove to be a mistake... You know, they're wary of giving out drugs to just anyone, especially individuals who could potentially use said drugs for another use than their prescription advises.

ANYwho... I should be going. It's a beautiful day out...if I can just get the little one down early enough I may have a chance to get a little running in today. That would be fanDAMNtastic.

Be well.

So I crunched some numbers...

...and who knows how accurate this is... But here's what we came up with based on measurements of my waist, hips, neck, and weight. BMI: 22.8. Normal. :(
Waist-to-Hip Ratio: 0.71. Percent Body Fat: 20.7% Lean Body Mass: 113.4 lb.
You do not need to lose weight.
Minimum caloric requirements: 1872 calories per day
Your diet should contain at least 78 grams of protein per day.

Can I get a BullSHIT? Okay, so not about the numbers. They're obviously accurate. The scale may lie, but the tape does not. The bullshit part would be the little tidbit about "you do not need to lose weight. Minimum caloric requirements: 1872 calories per day." Yeah, sure, give me 1872 calories a day and I'll show you a weight gain of at least a lb. a month, if not more. As it is now, my calorie intake runs at anywhere between 800 and 1200 on a good day.

*sigh...* I said I was gonna put this out of my mind, right? Yes. That's the plan...starting... NOW.

I refuse to believe it...I simply won't.

I felt like writing earlier...about an hour ago. Now I'm just exhausted. At least I'm committed. I'm here, aren't I? I'm certainly not ALL here. Just...a tad.

So I woke up this morning at about 6:30, which is actually an hour earlier than I truly need to wake up in order to get the babygirl to school on time, but I wanted to be able to take my time with my morning, stretch a bit more before getting to the gym, deal with nearly-three attitude from a certain little princess. I got to the gym feeling great, despite having gotten relatively inadequate sleep last night. Figured it couldn't hurt to ask the good people at the Y if they had the ability and time to help me out with something...I need an accurate measurement of my body fat percentage. Need it. Caliper-style. Unfortunately for me, this particular facility doesn't offer that type of evaluation. Instead, we had to use this electronic gadget with technology very similar, if not identical, to the scale in my bathroom. So it tell me my BMI is something like 25.4. It HAS to be wrong. I honestly refuse to believe it. There's no way. I suppose there is *some* way. I just don't want to think about it. Here I am, feeling thinner than I have in years... and I get this kind of news. It really brings ya down, you know?

So I ran. Or at least I tried to run. Only got to about half a mile when my shins just wouldn't take it anymore. Switched to the elliptical. Got to three miles. Approximately 300 calories burned, 40 grams of fat. *sigh...* I've eaten more than I should have today so far... Let's see...Slimfast shake: 190 calories. Handful of raisins: 120 calories. Small bowl of cereal: 150. Are you serious? Yeah. And it's only 10:43 in the morning. Fail.

I have to go to school and therapy and a few hours. I'm going to go ahead and try to put this out of my mind (as much as is possible for a mind that never lets go of any of this, not even for a moment)...

On the bright side, a super fit chick at the gym said I was in great shape, that I looked really lean...which made me smile.

I shouldn't be allowed to bake...

...or cook, for that matter. Too bad I love doing both. The first batch of cupcakes (bf's birthday...probably neglected to mention that previously) has emerged from the oven a perfectly golden yellow and they smell absolutely divine. I haven't touched a single one...mostly because they're too hot to touch...but also because I ate the equivalent, I'm guessing, of two of them in raw batter form as I poured them into the tins. You know how you do... It's just dripping off the spoon, tempting you, getting your recently cleaned kitchen way too dirty for 9 PM on a school night...okay, so maybe that's just me, I have no idea if anyone else has this problem. Regardless, I found it impossible to resist licking the spoon and part of the bowl before the process was finished. I will say, however, that I quickly regained my sense of ...what... I don't know. I regained *sense* itself and quickly tossed the bowl and spoon into the sink and promptly covered them both in soapy, sudsy water. Problem solved. Now I'm left with the memory of how yummy that batter was and the weight of the guilt my mind has concocted...wondering how much of my awesome day of running and careful, deliberate restriction has been reversed by brown sugar, milk, eggs, and butter...Ugh, and cake flour. Damn. Already done, can't go back, stop fucking beating yourself up, right? Right. Sure.

I'm nowhere close to being done with...anything. Cupcakes, yes. Check. Music test tomorrow. Study guide is far from complete...In fact, I've only managed to review the first couple of questions. Comm outline? Nowhere CLOSE. Laundry? ALL over my bed and floor and dresser. Heh, my grandmother would say it looks like a tornado hit my room...probably be an improvement. Little one is especially needy tonight. I guess that's her thing...needing me. :P

ADHD meds rock my socks...Wired up.

I’d like to think that I haven’t lost my fondness of this blog already; I’m always so good at the upkeep of things like this for the first few days, weeks, sometimes months, and then suddenly I apparently drop off the face of the planet, never to write again. I’ve seen this journaling to be quite therapeutic and I’d like to keep it up. Life, however, has a way of getting amazingly complicated and busy without much warning these days, so I can’t promise an entry every day. Pssh. I talk as if someone’s reading. If you are… Hellooooo out there! :D

I currently feel quite horrible physically, but mentally I just couldn’t be better. Odd, huh? I just got back from the gym for the second time today. I don’t have the opportunity to run so much very often, so when I realized that I had an extra hour before I truly HAD to get home, I leapt for it. This only puts me at about four miles today, but hey…that’s better than stopping with the two I got this morning, right? AND I made it to class today, AND I had to park across America at school since there was absolutely NO parking near the athletic center…Jeebus. Lemme tell you the good stuff first. I’ve only consumed approximately 1,000 calories today. I know, that sounds like a lot (okay, not really, considering the *minimum* requirement for the average woman is supposedly 1,200, but we’re talking about me here). So at 1,000 calories (high-quality ones too, not like junk food…fruit and yogurt and granola and salad and egg whites and whatnot) I’m pretty woozy at the moment. I probably wouldn’t be if I hadn’t burned nearly 500 running alone. Add to that the amount of calories my body burns by merely functioning and walking the hilly hills of my university, and you’ve got a HUGE deficit going. :D Yes, you’re absolutely correct, that IS fantastic. Also fantastic is the fact that I have to make cupcakes in a little bit and I can totally afford to have one without feeling an ounce of guilt. Okay, maybe an ounce…because if I chose to forgo the cupcake I’d be even better off, but you gotta have your treats every once in a while or you’ll surely go batshit crazy (or binge). It’s essential, of course, to try at least a little bit of my own creation to make sure that I’ve not totally botched the recipe. So. Until then I will drink lots of water, hope to rid myself of the dizzy feeling swimming around my head, and try to focus on the multiple tasks that lie ahead of me this evening.
Oh, and the bad. Well, the dizzy feeling is part of it. Also, my shins literally feel broken. I’ve fractured bones before and it hurts like hell, but those bones were usually fractured in mere seconds, by some sort of blunt trauma or wrong step or something like that. Thing about shin splints is that it’s a gradual process, and they don’t really hurt like this until after you’ve stepped off the treadmill, after you’ve driven home…My exercise endorphins head for the hills and the pain becomes real, unbearable, and a little scary. I certainly can’t be screwing up my legs like that…They’re the only two I have! Plus…I mean, let’s be real…I’m not going to stop running. I have to. Either that or I stop eating. And we just can’t have that. I get too faint. It’s bad for you. Starvation mode, all that…Yeah, I try to avoid it. I know, I know, I’m kinda pushing it with the whole “VLC diet/under 1,200” thing already. Meh. I grow weary of this subject. :P I have to go pick up the little one anyway.
There’s so much more to write here about so many other things that are going through my heart and my head, but I don’t even trust the anonymity of the internet in this case with those thoughts, so I suppose I’ll keep them to myself. Wish me luck with cold compresses…They’re supposed to help with the splints. Oh, and I’ll need some luck with the ridiculous amount of homework I have ahead of me as well. Sooo…send some over?

Side note...Strattera is awesome. No appetite whatsoever. Bonus.

Be well, every last one of you.