Saturday, June 19, 2010

I've been gone because I'm guilty. In more ways than one.

I'm sorry that I don't have time for more of an update. You deserve so much more of an explanation than I have the chance to give you at the moment.

I miss you all so much. I think about you and I wonder how you're doing and I feel this ache pulling me back and then that shame in having abandoned this and you and all comes flooding back, and I know that's probably nearly all nonsense and definitely not any excuse to stay away (and that's only part of the reason I'm not updating as often as I'd like) but I just...

I'm sorry.

Mostly, it's school. This 2D design class I'm taking has me working the point of sheer exhaustion and physical illness... I'm not even close to exaggerating. I've stayed on campus til 5:30 AM so many nights (once even having to bring little B with me in order to finish up a big project right before deadline) only to come home, sleep for two hours, then make it back to class again by noon that same day.

Three more weeks of this torture. It's killing me. I love it.

Fucking masochist.

For a while there I was losing weight because of this class. It was great. I wasn't even able to eat properly, due to all of the work and my new crazy schedule. Then I settled in and started eating again. Shit. Now I'm back to 131 again. Now I know some of it is muscle. I've been walking a lot more, stairs and stairs and more stairs all over campus, and parking lots further and further away than ever. I look thinner than ever, and that's all that's supposed to matter, right? Ha. RIGHT.

It doesn't work that way.

I want 125 by July 24th. I need it. I need to starve. I must.

131. But looking thinner. Why can't I be happy with that?

The man I love told me yesterday that my body looks "perfect".. that I am "beautiful beyond his words"... I took a photo for him, sent it (as he is in Australia at the moment), and he even went so far as to thank me...for... get this... "creating this art" for him. He loves my physical appearance, my body, just like it is. He adores me.

I just want to adore myself.


I've been purging a lot more. Daily. Multiple times per day.

No bueno.

Thought I should throw that in there. It really has no segue or relevance.

I am so sorry, my ladies, my lovelies, my ANGELS. You have given me so much...SO MUCH... and have brought me so far over the time that I've been here. I promise I'm not gone forever, and for those of you who choose to stick with me while I figure myself out and get through the next few months of horrendous summer classes, I thank you in advance. I love you dearly.

Stay beautiful. You must KNOW that you are. I do.


  1. Your artwork is amazing! I'm glad you're doing things in school that you are passionate about. You seriously look like you're considerably less than 120, so try not to sweat everything too hard. This guy obviously knows you're gorgeous, so hang on to him. ;)

  2. I miss you, but totally understand that you're busy :) We'll always be here for you, and we're sticking by your side through your absence :]
    You look seriously perfect. Please don't hurt yourself, your body is already perfection in my book.
    Take care,

  3. If that is you, you are fucking beautiful.
    Inside and out.
    Believe it.

  4. You are beautiful!
    Good luck with the class, it sounds stressful.

  5. ooh Notan. that was my first art school project and i literally had no idea what to do. because of this it turned out absolutely terrible. go figure.

  6. Hi darlin'
    It was so lovely to hear from you today! I miss you immensely but can totally appreciate your busy summer schedule. Your art that you posted is so cool! I just stared at it for like 10 minutes, looking at all the details. I can see where those projects must take so much time and effort.
    Well anyway... let me just say that you look so pretty, as always. And you-know-who is lucky to have you in his life.
    I love you!

  7. Sigh, i've been purging a lot too. I have no idea why either. In really high-risk situations like at a friend's birthday house party, or at my father's house when i could just be disciplined and NOT EAT.

    I'm waiting for it to bite me in the ass sooner or later...