Tuesday, June 29, 2010

It's happening again...

You remember a while back when

I had some issues with my Topa dosage (shortly after I first began taking it)

and I found that suddenly I couldn't even force myself to eat something as innocuous as...

a tiny bit of broccoli?

Negative calorie food terrified me, because it still weighed something, and I was literally afraid of the consequence that would follow if I consumed it...

The scale would reflect my failure the next day

if I put that food in my mouth.

Illogical, yes, in retrospect.

But the fact remains...

I was petrified of food, for two whole days.

I had mixed feelings about this at the time, but toward the end of the second day, I was mostly scared. I decreased my dosage for the time being and everything evened out.

I've gained back up to a hideous 133.4. (hideous is in the eye of me, I know. and maybe to some of you. here. have a looksee as to what I've allowed myself to become):

Fuck me.

I was at 126 just a few months ago. Yes, it's been gradual. Doesn't matter.

My thighs officially touch again. Barely graze one another, in the tiniest place.
But they touch.

There are places that jiggle and hang over clothing that would not and did not just six weeks ago. I was doing so well.

It's all back now. Backtracking. Backsliding. ugh...Wasted time and effort pisses me the fuck off. And saddens me.

It's happening now.

I'm weak from not sleeping for nearly 36 hours (art project is doing its best to kill me) and from eating very little for the past 12 hours...

And I...

cannot eat.

Don't want to.

It repulses me, the pantry, the refrigerator. The thought.

Finally. I don't know why it's happening (stress? meds? seven energy drinks in twelve hours and no sleep for days?) but I'm not questioning it...I'm going to keep it going.

Thank the gods.

This time...

I shall embrace it.

Fuck getting scared...

I need this.

118. I shall see you. I shall.


  1. You still look LOVELY to me!!! Stay strong, you did it once, you can do it again! This is what I keep telling myself and I KNOW, it is SO HARD. We can do this. We will motivate one another :P

  2. YOU CAN NOT SEE A POUND! Not a pound! Not an 1/8 of a pound in fact! You gained weight?! Where? Did you hide it behind the camera somewhere? Is it under the coach?! I know! You hid it underneath the blinds! Ha! I've found your secret! *Does happy dance* XD

  3. I know you don't want to hear this and I know you will want to lose weight whatever but...you really do have a lovely figure. I still stick to my point that you must have lead bones. 'Cause no way would I look like that at 133.4. Your 133 is equivalent to my about 116. We're the same height. I just don't get it. You can see your spine and ribs!? My spine goes into hiding anywhere above 113/114. Just. Not. Fair.

    I'm glad you're back though. Sort of. You've been too absent recently for my liking. xx

  4. Recovery is always a healthier choice, because ED really to destroy all parts of you, but just be safe. Try and do positive things.


  5. I love you. You are not only my inspiration in everything you are and do, you are also my thinspo, because I can see yo' bones. A gradual gain, 5 pounds, shmounds. You are beautiful, damnit! I believe in you. I wish you didn't suffer so; that none of us did. And I still believe in you. I always have, always will. You rock. And... I looooooooooooooooooooove you dearly, my love!

  6. Girl, you are still so fucking bony. I envy your bones like you have no idea. It's like they WANT to stick out and they've decided to do so no matter what. You look absolutely gorgeous in those pictures, and like xEllex implied, you are very bony for your weight.

    Also, I know what you mean about being scared of food, then you're scared about being scared of food... it's like last night I went into a state of being COMPLETELY terrified at the thought of eating, and then I eventually made myself eat just because I was so afraid of getting that "crazy" or whatever. But then it's like, well, SHIT, I WANT to be afraid of food, so... it's a really weird situation. I dunno.

  7. I'm so happpppeeee you posted again.
    Topa is such a fricken roller coaster for us girl. More of a delicate balance really.
    I find that if I take it at exactly the same time every day, and do not forget water (becoming thirsty makes me binge), I can get into that lovely zone you speak of.
    Food aversion can be such bliss.
    Bazillion KISSES!!

  8. Hi sweetie!!! I am back, and I missed you so much!! I'm sorry I haven't been around as much :( It's harder when I am home and not at school. But, I just caught up on all your old entries, and this entry made me feel happier for you. It seemed like things were not so good for a while there, but it sounds like you might be getting back on track. I know you are hating your body right now, but looking like you do now, you are going to look insanely smoking hot at 118! You look so good already, and I am totally 100% honest here!

    Keep it up, lovely! I know you can do it :) xoxox

  9. oh how i've missed reading your blog!!! you are so beautiful and i know that it's hard but you are so strong (and beautiful!!!). don't beat yourself up! And I know how you feel when you try to eat in order to please others who say you don't eat enough and then when you force yourself to eat it's like you can't stop and then you fall into a rut...well that's how it goes for me. You are so hot and when you get to your goal you'll be so much hotter and fyi you are thinspiration to me!!!
    Stay Strong

  10. ahhh i swear ur blog is awesome to read, everyone agress with me obviously lol. you do look bony and gorgeous, your back!! ahh the spine- yum
    i know what you mean about the fearing and then fearing the fear. i swear. i love hating food.. but its more noticeable to my parents when im like that... they have special senses that pick up on it, damn them... force me to eat and reverse the crazy .. i want the crazy back!!!!
    love you darling, stay strong. we love you

  11. Welcome back. You look really skinny, seriously. Also, what site do/ did your topa from ? I"m thinking of doing it just for the summer, but I don't know where to order it from, and getting an RX is out of the question.