Would you believe it? I'm really here...

This sums up how I feel right about always now:


I honestly don't have a good story for you lovelies. I'm sorry.


Well. I take that back. I have an amazing story. You KNOW I fucking do.


I just don't feel...at liberty...yet...to fully share it.

GAWD, I wish I could.

You know? Just spill myself out all over this table to you, gurgling and bubbling and babbling like a fountain, because that's what I do best, right?

And you'd all just take me in like you do so well, and you'd be lovely.

Because that's what YOU do best.

Well, I'm back in the 120s, but not by much. I don't know if I'd updated you guys or not...it feels like it's been forever...but I'd allowed myself to get as high as 134 again. It seemed almost surreal, seeing that number. Like, WTF, P.D.?! REALLY?! You've come this far, and put yourself through this agony, this misery, and then you've experienced the elation, the ECSTASY of seeing the 120s...and now you're taking it all away for WHAT? FOOD? Honestly...I know the answer to my question before it even forms in my mind:

Is.

It.

Worth.

It?




FUCK NO.



Food is never worth it.

It's so fleeting. You know? It really is. Always is. It's always gone in moments. And the weight? The hate? The fat, the handfuls of shame and guilt as it's just hanging over my waistband as I sit on my bed and just stare at myself, my thighs spreading out in uneven gelatinous blobs across my mattress...what the hell was I thinking? Was it worth it? GOD NO. NEVER. EVER.

So you'd think the answer would be simple. Keep my BMI under 21. Get it under 20. Do it already. Then under 19. Under 18. Keep it there. Simple.


Anyway.

My Topamax is doing what it should do in curbing my desire to chew and spit compulsively, but not without my help (this is to be expected...this is how this sort of thing works) and I'm having to cut off binge urges left and right, but not as fervently as before, it would seem. 127.8 a few days ago, but 130 this morning. Laxies have not been a part of my regimen for the past three or four days (yay me!) so that's why the number's higher.

I'm still c&s'ing on occasion, just to avoid b&p'ing, which I consider to be worse. I haven't purged in well over a week... I can't remember precisely the last time, and I think that's probably a good sign. My heartburn is worse than ever though, which is odd, considering the throwing up thing has gotten less frequent. Meh.

What else has been going on... Goodness. Short version because I have to run and do some junk. I've been trying to get tan. Tan fat is better than pale fat. Crucial. I'm in love. I shouldn't be. I can't help it. There is another man. I love him, but in a different way. Used to be in love with him, for nearly ten years. Now he believes himself to be fully and deeply in love with me. I cannot hurt him. He means too much to me. It's entirely and completely complicated.

I am $800 short on my tuition for my summer classes. This sucks huge donkey dong. Fortunately for me, my uncle is an incredibly generous man and has offered to loan me the dinero until I can pay him back in the fall with my loan money from my grant I get in September. Still sucks in the meantime because that means I get absolutely NO funds with which to keep myself afloat in any manner of speaking... baby sitter money or hey-I-feel-like-a-Coke-Zero money or whatever. Ah well. Such is life.

I have new incentive (somewhat related to the in-love-ness going on in the above paragraph ^^^ up there) to lose even more quickly my last nine or ten pounds. I say my last... pssh. I know. I'm nine or ten pounds away from my "goal weight" of 118. That's where I'll be officially "underweight" for my height. Whatever. I'll want to keep going because I know I'll still look hideous. I KNOW it. Nine pounds off of THIS body is NOT going to make me look thin. FUCK no. But...anyway. I have approximately seven weeks while ... someone... special... he's going to be gone. Away. And when he gets back... I want to have gotten as small as possible. I want to blow him away with how insanely hotly thin I am. He loves my bones. <3

This is a characteristically LONG P.D.-esque post. I know not if that is a good thing or a bad one, but I hope you don't mind. I love you lovelies, I truly do. Thank you so much for sticking around. I can't tell you how happy it made me to see that, in my absence, not only have you REMAINED here, but I've actually managed to GAIN a few more beautiful blogger followers as well! How very wonderful.

I will do my best to keep up...get back into the swing of things...

STAY perfect. You already are.

<3