Monday, September 27, 2010

It's official. I'm officially fat again.

The scale isn't to be trusted. This is true in most of my experience, and yet I still stand on the thing daily, allowing it to determine my mood for the day, the week...

It said 137 this morning.


I don't know...



Less than four months ago I was at 126. The lowest I'd ever gotten. And now?

I am so utterly disgusted with myself. I managed to restrict properly for about two and a half days. No bingeing. This morning, my car wouldn't start. I realized I'd lost my debit card and had to cancel the thing. I've got no money and no vehicle and I've run out of one of my meds. I'm missing class because I can't drive to school and I really, truly can NOT afford to miss class.

So what do I do?

Eat, of course. Why? It's a distraction, it's pleasantly painful, and it helps me feed the self-destructive side of P.D. in the worst way possible.

I see what I see in the mirror and despise every curve, every jiggling bit of fat everywhere...and I try so earnestly to remember how it felt to be thin. To be GETTING thin. How did it feel to have that control, that ability to look at food and shun it entirely? Wasn't that better than this? Or was it worse, perhaps? Maybe that's the reason I've reverted to eating constantly; my mind is so tired of trying so hard at all of this.

I'm not ready to give up the fight, and yet I know that it would be the best thing for me, to seek out recovery while I'm feeling this way... My "fear" of food has vanished entirely, and here I am TRYING to find that again. I want my obsession back. I want to be thin.

Too bad there's something in there, somewhere, that would rather hurt me by piling on the pounds...Too bad there's something in my mind that knows how unhealthy and unsustainable this lifestyle is... Fucking practical responsibility bullshit.

Healthy? Good. Sure.

Thin? Beautiful? In control?

Please. Please. Please.

I need it more than anything now.

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain, honey! I guess the real question is wich way of living do you think will ultimately give you happiness? When do you feel best? If it's better for you both mentally and physically to eat normal, then that's okay, if that's what you'll be happy with in the long run:-). But as long as you're stuck in the middle, you won't really get anywhere :-S. And I know that it's not so easy, I'm currently trying to take my own advice, but it's worth a try if you'll feel better :-). Hope you figure it out!
    Take care Xxx