I've been eating a lot.
Apparently, that's how I'm planning to "find myself?" Fuck that shit.
I've gotta cut it out before I get myself back into the 130s and REALLY regret this bout of unexplained stupidity.
Hell, for all I know, I could already be in the 130s. It sure as fuck feels like I am. Love handles are back in full force, whereas they were all but completely nonexistent just a few short weeks ago.
Yeah, if I had to guess, I'd say 132. God. Damn.
I'm not going to weigh until I start to feel thin again. And I certainly won't feel thin again until I'm back to eating (or not eating, rather) the way I should be. Maybe even working out, shit. What a novel idea, right?
((What an awesomely positive tone I've got goin' here! Hell yeah! I can just see it now! EVERYONE is gonna want to read this shit!)) :D :D :D *sigh...* I... I wish you could all just curl up beside me in my bed, and in a circle all around me in my room and I could whisper to you the truths of me and my goings on behind the closed doors of this place, my real life, instead of HERE, in the middle of CYBEReverything.
It's not safe here, even as safe as it feels.
I've increased my Topamax again, in case anyone's curious about that. 100 in the morning, 50 in the evening. I'm going to keep upping it until it does what it's supposed to do. I should NOT want to binge like this. That's why I'm taking this shit, right?
Right.
Love you. Thank you for your continued support, even while I'm away. I hope to be stronger when I return.
<3
You will be.
ReplyDeleteEverything will work out.
We miss you!
i agree with johnstonbee.
ReplyDeleteyou will be very soon.
I hope your Topomax works :) Don't worry, you'll stop bingeing. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI just know things are going to turn around for you here really soon. I'm sorry you're feeling not-so-skinny right now, but it's just temporary. You're so gorgeous and so strong, and I have the utmost faith in you! xoxo
ReplyDeletehey darlin'
ReplyDeleteit was nice texting with you today, even though we were both in depressed-ish moods. i love you lots and really hope things turn around for you soon. i'm always here - just a text away <3
Topamax wont make you stop binging. It is only a tool. You have to stop stuffing your cute little face babe.
ReplyDeleteI have no problem binging while taking it. No problem-o at all-o. I can eat like a HORSE.
WE gotta do the work. Topa can only help so far. You know what I mean girlie.
Once I got up too high in dosage, I didn't notice any difference in weightloss anyway. Oh, but I did begin having ocular pressure. It fricken hurt!
Don't increase the dosage until your eyeballs pop out. That would just be gross.
xoxo,
zen
Oh and I LURVE U TOO. My mushy mush mush PD.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I hate the days when I eat normal. I hope your topa starts working agian. I hate the feeling of gain. Ewwness. :) <3's katie
ReplyDeleteHi gorgeous, thank you so much for your lovely comment! Life does mean something completely different these days :) having a baby is just the best thing ever.
ReplyDeleteHow old were you when you had your little cutie? She's adorable!
I hope you feel better soon! I hate the cloud that follows us around when we gain weight :( you just can't shake it!
Many hugs!! xoxo
Hey hun. Just started following your blog! Hope your topomax works for ya
ReplyDeleteBleh, I'm just happy my weight's finally slipping downwards again. Two and a half weeks of exercising, restricting and laxative abuse with no reward... i was starting to waver a bit in my convictions, i'm ashamed to say. I started the very destructive "what's the fucking point? I stay the same weight whether i eat or not, so fuck it" thought process. It's been a bit difficult to force myself back into restricting HARD irritatingly, though what i generally crave now when i'm being naughty is hummus, spring onions and sweet chilli ryvita. Thank gawd for addictive personalities :D
ReplyDeleteYay! I feel slightly less silly when someone joins in with the violently energetic happy dance. It's so vigorous it's BOUND to burn some calories :D
Your profile picture inspires me when i need it - your ribs are beautiful.
Much love,
x
Glad you are still alive, now here's to hoping you get well.
ReplyDeleteTo help brighten your day, here's a ridiculous music lovers' award for YOU!
Huggles for you. ;)
*Gasp* *Pant* Caught up, phew!
ReplyDelete(Your archive is huge, and full of awesome, btw)
If I could I would wrap you up in a nice fluffy blanket and get everyone to pile-hug you. I guess E-Hugs and squishing tons of love through the internet tubes will have to suffice.
Best of luck and lots of love <3 <3 <3
*HUGS*
i often wish we could all just be sitting in a safe place together. wouldnt it be amazing to have that much love and comfort and trust in one room
ReplyDelete