Monday, February 1, 2010

The big 4-0!! And no, I'm only 23... ;)

40 followers?! That's only one of the most awesome feelings in the world, especially at 6:24 AM when it's literally freezing BALLS outside and I'm sitting in front of my tiny laptop over steaming, caloriffic oatmeal, contemplating whether or not to brave the morning nastiness to get to the gym. Thank you so much for your support guys... I think I WILL make it to the gym today. :)

I'm letting myself eat a bit more today. I think I need to. I know we do a whole lot of "Shut up, stomach, I'M in charge here, and I say STARVE!!" around here, but there always comes a point at which we must listen to our bodies, at least with one ear. For this morning, I am there. I've reluctantly enjoyed (yes, you read that correctly) one slice of 60 calorie toast with about 90 calories of peanut butter on it, and one bowl of oatmeal at 160. That, I realize, sounds like a ton. Indeed, it is. BUT... I know that if I can get my lazy butt up out of this seriously uncomfortable chair (should make it a bit easier to leave, I'd think) and get to the gym, I'll be able to burn approximately 400 calories in 45 minutes with no problem. This number is based on what my heart rate monitoring watch dealie says, NOT what the gym equipment tells me. No, I can't trust those machines. They say I burn SO much, so many calories, while my watch tells me differently. And that watch is actually reading my pulse continuously as I work, sooooo.... Yes. We'll go with the watch.

132.8 this morning. That means I've reached my sub-goal of making it through the weekend (Vietnamese seafood dish and all) without gaining so much as an ounce. Yes, I was shooting for maintenance this weekend. Baby steps.

I can do this. I know I can. I remember being stuck at 140 for SOOO long, feeling like I'd never get past it. The mere fact that I did when it felt like I couldn't is enough to motivate me further, push me harder. :)

Though, this does bring us back to breakfast, and my irritatingly responsible "healthy" side. Yesterday, when I found myself at 3 PM at only 175 calories, I was, naturally, initially ecstatic. So proud of myself and my awesome sauceness. ;)

Then SHE came. Responsible Healthy Conscience. She sounded like this, "You know you're killing yourself..." WTF? In this soft, soothing, I'm-only-here-to-help voice. Ugh. And I know she's right, on some level. My organs and central nervous system and brain and all that, yes, they obviously need more than this to function correctly. But I had no desire to eat, whatsoever. Uh, DUH! Disorder. Not ordered. Someone of an ordered mind would never have let themselves get this far. So what did I do? I ate some carrots. And raisins. "Is that better?"

"Better. But eat some more."

GOD. She's almost as insatiable as Ana or Mia.

I had five bites of broccoli, three bites of mashed potatoes, and three bites of a pork chop dinner I made for K. "There. No more for the rest of the night."

And I stuck to it. Only to wake this morning to see... maintenance. Well. At least I didn't gain? No 'at least' exists here...I've ranted about that before.

All the same... I woke this morning feeling weaker than weak, emptiness (usually so lovely) was accompanied by an ache... A STRONG painful ache, deep in the core of me. FINE. I'll eat 1,200 calories today. Fuck it. BUT...I will work off at LEAST half of it. Ha! You never said I couldn't do that. ;)

Sorry, I'm crazy. Read the blog title. I even warned you in the forecast that there was a chance of crazy. I sho did.

I should go. The gym (and my sleeping little princess) awaits. And man, is she slow getting out of bed. :P Takes after her mommy...

I <3 you all. I've been reading and reading and only commenting when I can muster it, but please know that I've been reading. My support is there...just...quiet sometimes. Here's to a badass Monday, and one hell of a week! 129 by Friday!!! DO IT!! ;)


  1. Haha..."peanut butter AKA the devil". Lol.

    Peanut butter is so good they should keep it under lock and key at the grocery store like they do with high end liquor or baby formula. I wouldn't be as inclined to buy it if I had to go ask someone to get it for me.

    I like the internal convo you had going on. Sounds crazy in writing, but we all have that same struggle going on. Its comforting to see that others have the same level of craziness. lol

    have fun at the gym! You have a pretty good attitude for a Monday. Wish I could get myself some of that. :)



  2. Thanks for your comment :) I'll bet the whole "hidden person" theme is a common one in the magical world of ED. Congrats on your weight loss!! That's so awesome that you did the weekend so well. I think oatmeal is the true manna from G-d. It's callorific, but so damn filling. Keep on truckin' darlin'. I live in Alabama so I can swallow my g's like that.

  3. Um... I think I love you.

    Your comment almost made me cry, because I'd been having a fantastically bad day, and hearing that someone appreciated me, and understood the need to find some joy alongside Ana... was awesome. Thank you. <3

    Also, the same graduation year? Similarly uncreative teddy bear names? Naomi namesakes? The blogspot gods want us together! :)

    (I hope your workout at the gym was productive, and that calories aren't packing themselves on as hard as you had projected!)