Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Out of touch, out of laxies, out of my mind...

...well, that's not entirely true, up there ^^^... I have more laxies, but they're Ex-Lax, and I'd rather stay away from them except for in case of emergencies. No, I mean my little bottle of Cascara's empty! And I couldn't find it at the other grocery store I went to today...I'll try another tomorrow. I take two a day, regardless of what I've eaten or plan to eat, and it keeps me surprisingly regular...Of course, more serious visits from the binge-monster require the big guns. That's when the blue guys make their appearance...and I make my exit, directly to the nearest bathroom. For some reason, I always figure that taking a whole sheet of those things (9 pills) is a good idea at the time. Self-punishment? I wouldn't be surprised. It seems to be a recurring theme of sorts.

Out of touch, I said. Yes. As I was driving home from K's house to go pick up the little ragamuffin from daycare, I was thinking about you guys. Yes, I'm a big huge dork and my blogger family plays a big huge role in my life. Glad that's out in the open...Pssh, like you guys didn't know already... ;)

I was thinking about how nearly a week has passed since I've been allowed/given myself the time to really sit down and catch up on all the goings on of your lives here. I've managed to catch a few posts here and there, but what I really enjoy is a huge, uninterrupted chunk of time all to myself, in peace and quiet, so that I can really devote my full attention to all of your entries, and even more so that I can comment thoroughly (I'd love to comment on each and every one!)...but alas...honestly...Where am I going to find that kind of window? When no one's around? When the little one doesn't need me? When class isn't calling, or my uncle doesn't need me to run an errand? I know...even as I type this, I know...I don't mean it to sound as if I am complaining about being needed.

That would be silly. And horrible.

But you know what I mean. At least, I hope you do.

All the same, this lack of reading and commenting on my part really bothers me, even more every day. I'll be thinking about something entirely unrelated and suddenly realize that I haven't checked in on/heard from so-and-so, and immediately I am focus-driven on getting myself online as soon as physically possible... I feel just as bad as I would if I were neglecting an old friend, leaving them wondering if I even care to make time for them...I can't stand it! So tonight I'm going to try and catch up. Go through each and every one of them. It will be difficult. It will be inspiring, and saddening, and exciting, and eye-opening, and relaxing... and a great many other things, I'm sure.

I miss you guys.


On another note, I had a mini-binge tonight. Approximately 400 calories. Putting me at 670 for the day (net) after a run/jog/walk that burned a neat little 450 calories (and left both my already vulnerable knees swollen and aching!). Still. I could have done without the binge, which would have left me at less than 300 for the day, total!!! That's unheard of for me. Ah well. Tomorrow is another chance. Heh...I just realized that it's much easier to tell myself "tomorrow is another day to try again" if I haven't gone over my intake limit (today was 800). Had I binged like I wanted to, and let myself go, I may have exceeded 2,000...I know that saying "oh well, try harder tomorrow" would have been a hell of a lot more difficult, were that the case. Huh. Interesting.

K and I went to Whole Foods today (holyfuckingshitonawholewheatbiscuit, that was TORTURE and PARADISE all at the same effing time!) to look for shirataki Miracle Noodles (my supply's getting low and I don't wanna have to pay $12 shipping each time!)...They didn't have the Miracle Noodle (zero cal) brand, but they did have tofu shirataki, so I bought that. 40 calories per bag. Doable. While we were there, I picked up some fresh veggies and fruit and mushrooms, and proceeded to eat all of them in the car on the way home. No biggie, I knew at that point that I was at 167 calories for the day. Yes. I love that freedom. Nomnomnom.

I can't wait for Monday. Weigh day. Two days in a row under 900, many more to come. I've gotta decide tonight what tomorrow's menu will be. I've been doing that as of late and it's working GREAT. I used to simply eat as little as possible, tracking my calories as I went, but often becoming discouraged and giving up after bingeing or eating something with no nutrition info. Recipe for failure. Not anymore. :D Now I plan out the next day's menu, leaving nothing to chance. Breaking it up into breakfast, post-workout snack, lunch, snack, and dinner, I build a plan around my calorie limit (either 800, 900, or 1,000...this may decrease as time goes on). After it's all set up, I save it to my computer and write it down as well, keeping it on my person or in my wallet all day long.

NO EXCEPTIONS ALLOWED. I do not deviate from this preordained menu. I simply am not allowed to. I know that I've always, in my head, battled the urge to binge by repeating that old, worn-out reprimand: "You can NOT binge, do NOT do it, you will be so angry with yourself if you do, you'll be a total fuck-up and a fatass forever..." but somehow, as we've seen, this isn't very effective. I guess if it's on paper, right there in front of me, it's easier to follow. Regardless of the reason, this WORKS. Just so long as I don't let myself get TOO far gone...too hungry, too dizzy. Even if it means I have to sit down, have a peach, and drink a few cups of tea to get rid of the tracers behind my eyes, I have to give myself that time to come back...can't get too close to that brink. You know the one. The one where your body takes over and says, "Fuck you, I'm starving, I'm going to MAKE us eat..." Nope. Can't let it get there. When I plan my menu the night before, I try to take all of this into consideration, and plan accordingly. If I had a hard time with the dizziness or fatigue around, say, 3 PM, then I'll make sure my menu includes some fresh fruit and a slice of whole wheat toast around that time. Little pick me up. :D Problem averted.

I'm still working on this, but I kind of like it. It's a challenge, it's a science, and it's rewarding. Good stuff.

Oh, and I ordered some Topamax. Yeah. That's a side note when it should be a paragraph of its own, but I have blogs to read!! Muy importante!

I feel like taking a picture for you guys. :) One sec.

Hey, it's me and the only bone that loves me faithfully... Good ol' Collie. Yes. Like a dog. Loyal. Shows up even when I'm fat. Love.

Oh, and I'm painting this thing for a good friend of mine (began as a texting ana buddy, but now we're like sisters! Just separated by half a country... :P). Here's the beginning of it. It's a surprise, though, so don't tell! ;)

Long post, eh? Yeah. I'm leaving. I love you all dearly!!! THIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIiiiiiiIIIIIIssssSSSS much!!! And infinity times more.



  1. Cuuute picture! Ahhh man that's some serious thinspo. Skinny legs and collar bones. You are so fricken adorable!!

    Update about Topamax. Sugary foods still taste like dirt, but the appetite has been coming back. I am going to ask Doc to increase dosage. Think the max is 400mg daily. Weight loss is slowing down, but I am still losing about a 1/2 to 1lb a day.

    Keep me updated girlie.
    xoxo zen

  2. I find planning out a menu the day ahead really helps me too, especially if it's written down and folded up in my pocket so I can remind myself. I'm glad you've found something that's working well for you.

    Your eyes are beautiful.

    And that painting for your friends is off to an amazing start. What are you using, acrylic?

  3. Menu-planning sounds like a genius plan.
    I am always doing (and failing) with the lets-just-restrict-calories-surely-nothing-will-go-wrong thing.
    Also I am sure I have said before but you are simply beautiful!
    How many tattoos do you have?

  4. Wow! You are doing this! Go you! I really love your pics-- you really are so beautiful!

    Cheering for you! You're gonna be back down in no time. Its not just that you CAN, you ARE doing this!!

    Just wondering... what is topamax/what does it do?

    xoxo. Z.

  5. Your body looks AMAZING ! Keep it up :)

  6. You're so pretty! And your eyes are beautiful :)

    I lovelovelove the fairy painting. I'm sure your friend is gonna love it, too. She's so lucky haha.

    Take care <3

  7. Gorgeous! :)
    I love reading your blog, you make me giggle :)
    And not to mention your daughter is so freaking adorable!!!
    Lots of hugs <3

  8. Hey, a mini-binge is always better than a mega-binge, right? The menu-planning sounds like a great idea. Then you know what's coming up next, so you'll be less likely to waste those planned calories on something unplanned. It definitely sounds like a safe plan!

    Your painting looks beautiful! I wish I had artistic talent! xo

  9. It will come off eventually, I'm sure that being stressed out wasn't helping you at all. I do the same thing with is kind of torture..I understand though.

    Good luck love, think thin~

  10. Ohmygosh, I love that picture! I am so jealous of your collarbone x.x Nice painting, by the way :]

    I like your know, I think I'm going to do that, print out my menus and physically carry them around. Thanks a bunch for your comment by the way, I'm motivated again :)


  11. I'm so glad that you aren't being too hard on yourself, it will help you ease up on yourself :)

    Also you have such pretty eyes, and you are so thin!

    love Battle xxx

  12. Oh c'mon now, you know that bitches ass was TOTALLY photoshopped.

    Send me a pic of your ass and I'll touch it up for you.

    Oh, that was awkward. Uh... no, that was just weird. I hope we can still be friends. ;)

    xoxo zen

  13. You're gorgeous, as usual. You make me oh-so happy, no matter how short or long your comments.

    I adore you!!!!!!

    I've found writing down a meal plan the day before really helps me, as well. I may very well do that here in a second, right after I get in my crunches [since they're quietly executed :)]

    I look forward to hearing an update very soon, and I'm so glad things are looking up! :D