I am disappearing, it feels, but somehow there's more of me.

I haven't blogged in what seems like too long and I'm bothered by the guilt I've built up in myself over not having been here.

Yes, that's not okay. Like any of us really needs anything else with which to fortify the massive guiltcastles in which we imprison ourselves eternally. Friggin' Rapunzel of Self-Loathing over here...'cept my hair is too short, so I guess all hope is SURELY lost, eh?

Ah, man. So much has gone on and yet I feel like...not writing about it. I feel scared to write about it. I feel like if I say it out loud, it will become...more true, more real. And, naturally, more public. In this particular case (for now, at least) I must keep certain parts of me nonpublic. Yes. I will promise this much, though, my pretties: I will provide a complete update of all goings-on just as soon as possible, when all pieces have fallen and fit together as they should and as they will... All will be revealed and all that. :) Hold on for me, k? It'll be worth it, I ASSURE you. In the meantime, try to forget I just blogteased the FUCK out of your imaginations, and let's move on, shall we? ;)

I binged yesterday. Hardcore. For the first time in a long while, I purged after. I hardly got anything up, maybe a lucky fifth of it. MAYBE a fourth. Shit. I don't know. It sucked. I suck at throwing up. I really do. My toothbrush failed me, so fingers were next, and they're not long enough. I mean, I have long fucking fingers, too. Maybe my throat's too long. I felt my stomach, I swear, with my fingertips. I just...I was standing in the steaming shower, holding a plastic bag, trying to be quiet, trying to be secretive, trying to be not so disgusting. Obviously I'm not trying so hard at that now, because this is sounding pretty nastay, as I reread it. Good thing there's no effing judgement here, right? AM I RIGHT? Ha. Yes. Yes, indeed.

So yesterday's failure brings me up to 131.4 today. I KNOW. All the way up from a low of 128.4? JESUSFUCKINGMOTHEROFGANJA. I cannot let this happen to me. I can feel the fat just creeping in, from every direction, but mostly from the direction of my ass and thighs...it wraps its creepy crawly fatfingeryblubberyhands from around the back and reaches through the middle of my legs and finds the front of me and shit!! Now it's visible from EVERYWHERE!! GAWD!!! It jiggles. I...had lost...the FUCKING jiggle. For all of three days.

I'm so tempted to increase my Topamax. I really really really am. Tweaking my dosage this way has, so far, proven pretty effective. As long as I'm mindful and watchful and careful, paying attention to how I feel and think and act on different dosages and at different times, I'm all good. I've been really okay, mentally speaking, on 50 in the morning, 50 at night. I haven't been freaking out, or going full-on crazy-not-eating-anything, so that's been good. I just want...that...balance. But you know...like, a good restrictive-still-losing-weight balance. :P

So close to goal weight, it only makes sense that I'd be struggling. We all do, this close. Normal. Ha. Normal.

Classes are over for the semester and finals start in a few days. A couple days. Damn.

Little one is done making her mess of peanut butter and jelly all over the place, so I suppose it's time to take her to daycare. And yes, in case you were wondering? I ate some of it.

Damn.

Umm...My bed's messy...all the time. Real thinspo girls don't have messy bedrooms.

I love you guys. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I really am. Not even so much for my own blog as for yours. Stay lovely, stay true.

<3