Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Newly inspired...Excuse the randomness.

So they had some pretty sun dresses there at Wal-Mart, they did. Hanging there on the rack, they looked so nice, flowy, airy. Light. Like I want to be. I picked up the 4, and then thought I should go ahead and grab a 6 as well. Better to have both so that when the disappointment of seeing that the 4 was too small SLAPPED me in the face I wouldn't have to get all the way dressed again to come back out and get the 6...You know how that goes.

Tried the 4 first. Why not? May as well. Standing beneath those horrid fluorescent dressing room lights we all know SO well, I pondered the girl in the mirror we all hate so passionately. I cocked my head to the side and studied her, contemplating the angles and the curves, the reflective surfaces and the way light trickled down from one sloping edge to another, as if her shoulderblades were mountaintops in some sort of majestic landscapey photograph. Leaning my head to the other side, I considered the hair, falling haphazardly around the collarbones that jutted out all the way to the ends of the shoulders now, never stopping. Your hair is a mess. I nearly said it aloud. This body...This frail body? It's...It's what I wanted. It's what I want. It's too small for a size 4 dress.

The hollow places where flesh should be excite me. The sternum and ribs that show proudly through skin boast of strength and perseverance, and laugh wryly at the label of the bra that lies on the floor of the dressing room...34 A, huh? Remember when you had just had your child? 40 D. Ha! Never again. That's quite all right with me. I never want it again. I could hardly contain my shock when a 36 B was too large. And now? This dress, this dress that swallows me, this cute little dress that I was willing to spend $12 on...ha... I almost bought it without even trying it on. It's the smallest fucking size they offer. And it looks horrible on me. It billows around me like a pillowcase.

Mixed thoughts. Feelings. Doesn't it suck? Not being able to fit into this thing? Didn't you want to wear it, to feel pretty in it, to feel light and airy and cutesy and NO...NO! Fuck that shit! No. I wanted THIS body. And I want more. MORE. I want my fat fucking disgusting thighs to match my emaciated back and chest and ribcage. I want my legs to be bone thin and beautiful. Thin. Oh, thin. You are waiting for me. I can feel it. I have but only to allow you in. This day...This day is a turning point.

It's in the air. I...am in the air.

My lovelies...Let us be true to what our hearts desire. It is all the freedom we truly have in this world, the ability to follow our hearts.

Let us be air.



  1. kudos on this one.
    one day i'll know what that feels like (:

  2. first off, congrats on being smaller than a size four! that's wonderful :)

    Also, just had to say that reading this post was EXACTLY what I needed today. so, thank you for your beautiful and inspiring writing.

    And as always, I'm thinking about you and love you <3

  3. beautiful post. i saw those dresses at walmart the other day but didnt bother to try one on. i kept thinking about how i would look like a tube of sausage in one so congrats on being to small for their dresses. i cant wait till everything hangs off of me. i totally get what you mean about the bra thing. i went from a 32 A (pre pregnancy) to a 38 D after my son was born. im finally back down to a 34 A. (thank god) i feel alot better without those jugs hangin off my body. though sometimes i do miss having cleavage...lol
    stay strong

  4. This is amazing. I hope I have one of these moments sometime.
    You're so inspirational. :]

  5. You're awesome and amazing! I am sure you looked so small and beautiful in that dress :) Congratulations on being less than a size 4!! You're doing so well and looking so good! Stay strong xoxo

  6. Your writing and your bones are masterpieces. : )

  7. Wow, this post was beautiful... Your writing and descriptions are amazing. And inspiring! As if your picture wasn't enough!! :) And your stomach - AH! Extremely jealousss!!

  8. I'm JEALOUS!! I can't wait till my tummy is like that again! i'm only ten pounds away from it, but i have a feeling when i get there...i'll still wanna get smaller and smaller blehhh i'll probaly be too scared to get in a dress for the the rest of my life