A new low...Again, it's not seeming real.

126.8.

Seriously?

I was 128 yesterday. Then again, I fasted for most of yesterday...on accident...kind of.

Yes, that wonderful and never-before-seen number is brought to you by our lovely and reliable sponsors, chocolate senna tea and everyone's favorite blue pills. BUT...the fact still remains that MY body, whatever is left after all waste has been removed from it, THIS body still weighs 126.8 pounds. 57.64 kilograms? I've never measured myself that way before. It sounds nicer, being a lower number. ;) A lower-than-ever BMI of 20.2. I...can't lose this. I mean, I can't let this get away from me. I just ate a relatively large breakfast, considering the pretty meager amount of food I've consumed over the past 48 hours. 1/2 banana, 7 blackberries, 1/4 clementine orange, 1 dried apricot, 1/4 cup of mixed nuts, AND 1/4 cup of gluten-free rice chex. With a sip of almond milk. Wow. Yeah. Jeez. That's the way I tend to do things, though, I suppose. Load up on breakfast so that I can take my huge handfuls of pills and supplements comfortably, and then just take it really easy on the eating for the rest of the day. Yes. That's the idea, anyway. It's the follow-through that'll getcha.

I did want to thank you all SO very much for you well-wishing and good lucks and whatnot on my final. :) I actually didn't get to read them until AFTER I'd taken it, but I know that your combined positive energy was exactly what got me through it. I wrote ALL the way up until the very last minute. 1:30 PM. The clock told me time was up, and I resigned myself to the fact that I'd done all that I could. My mind had been scrambled from the get-go, and I didn't feel I had written a very good essay, much less two of them. In fact, I was pretty embarrassed to turn it in, to be honest, as this IS Dr. Aussie McDreamyLoveProfessor Guy we're talking about, after all, and I value his opinion of my writing quite highly. I knew I could have written more skillfully. My head just wasn't in it. My stomach was growling incessantly the entire time, too. I thought it was funny. Meh.

126.8. I'm kind of not wanting to eat for the rest of the day now, just for fear of seeing anything higher on the scale tomorrow. Isn't that just the story of this life...shit.

And you know what sucks the most? I ended therapy with my wonderful therapist this past week (she works at the university and I have to switch every semester...blows...) and as I left on Tuesday I REALLY really...for a good few moments...really wanted to try to get fully better for her, right now. I mean, for myself too, naturally. But it's just that she believes in me, or it seems that she does, and she's worked so hard and put so much of herself into this, and she wants me to continue in therapy, wants me to pursue something with a specialist, etc... I know I'll have to face these demons, face recovery at some point. I will. If I don't, I will end up killing myself. And I love life too much. There is enough reason and rational thinking in this crazed mind yet to see that. But I am not ready. Not yet. And if there's anything I know about myself at all, it's that I can't be forced to do anything unless I'm absolutely fully internally prepared to do so. So.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 19th. I'm thinking of investing in those ankle weights I've been putting off buying. The last time they weighed me was a little over a month ago, I guess...and I'd made sure to drink a lot of water first and wear some extra clothes and belts. I weighed in at like 140 or something.

By the 19th, I'll certainly be past 125, I'd hope. They're not going to like that. Nah... I could pull the ol' "I'm 5'6" thing...Instead of the truth, which is "I'm closer to 5'7"...

I'll just be sure NOT to mention anything about the fact that I'm delighted over the fact that I'm approximately 9.78 pounds away from clinically underweight, yeah? ;) ha...yeah. Good call, I'm thinkin'... Maybe they won't notice.

Whatever.

I've got mucho house cleaning to do. Thanks for reading, my angels. I wish you love and light, but lightness above all.

<3