Okay, so I suppose you wouldn't really necessarily call today's scenario a full-on binge so much as a temporary loss of self-control resulting in overeating to the point of physical discomfort and emotional distress. Close to a 'real' binge, but lacking the total and reckless abandon involved in your classic case, and in this one, I only consumed approximately 600 calories in one sitting instead of multiple thousands of calories. Still. To me, someone who strives for a daily allotment of about 1,000 calories, 1,500 MAX... 600 in one meal feels like a total and complete failure. Feels like a binge because I didn't ever intend to consume that much food, but did anyway, seemingly against my own will. Will. There's a word for ya. For me. I could go on for hours about will, will power, and the many disconnects between the two, particularly concerning appetite, diet (plans), and, of course, eating. *Sigh...* Whatever.
So I've been pretty depressed today. Big surprise, huh? Aren't I always? Well, clinically speaking, yes, but considering the fact that I take medicine for this condition I expect to feel normal/happy at least part of the time, preferably most of the time. Funny, though, how one disorder of the mind can so effectively and efficiently exacerbate another, forming a dynamic duo of shitty-day-starters and rock-bottom-downers that stick with you throughout your afternoon, usually ending in the sweet solace of escape in sleep or in the escape found in a liquor cabinet, which never, ever, ever makes you feel any better. At all. Distracted for a tick, but certainly never better. I polished off the last glass of wine in the bf's fridge about an hour ago, but I should have known better: three glasses of wine will give me that buzz I'm craving, that slip into forgetful bliss; one glass of wine will simply remind me of how tired I really am, inciting a craving for a comfy bed and time to kill. I can find the first easily enough, but I often doubt if the latter even exists. There's always something else to do. Study, for one. I have a test on Wednesday for which I am definitely NOT ready. Geography. Africa. I'm fascinated by most of it, really, all except for the part about sitting down to study before the exam. Yeeeaaaah.... I can feel the innate sense of lazy kicking in right about now... My brain felt it...knew that I was about to make it do something it doesn't want to do. :P
My boyfriend is out helping some of his friends move and I elected to stay home and take care of the little one, get her down for her nap and all so she won't be entirely impossible later tonight. I made him lunch for when he gets back, and it's delicious. It's a burrito beef-and-bean cheesy skillet thing, HUGE amount of food, because I like to leave him some leftovers for the week to come when I'm not able to be here every night. Not that he can't cook for himself, of course, but I love being the one to take care of him. :) I thought it would be extra cool-girlfriend of me to make him some dessert too, maybe some homemade chocolate chip cookies or a batch of super delicious apple cinnamon oatmeal muffins. As it is, though, I think I've decided that I won't, just because I know myself well enough to KNOW that I'll end up eating a shit ton of them before he even gets here... I can't be trusted to bake by myself. At least not yet. I eat and eat and eat until I'm concerned that someone will notice..."Hey, didn't this recipe yield like, 3 dozen cookies?" "Oh, no, definitely only 1 dozen." Yeah. That'd be me. Liar, liar. With a binge belly to prove it. When I woke up this morning and my belly was still semi-bloated from yesterday, I knew that I had definitely overdone it. After a good hard day of bad eating, it'll take me about two to three days of really great running and restriction to get myself down to where I should be again, like I am in that picture on my profile. Today...not so much. Damn burrito skillet shit turned out fantastic. Perhaps if I were a horrible cook/baker, I wouldn't have to worry about eating so much of my own food all the time. Too bad I adore cooking...Oh yes, I'm a passionate and ardent fan of the culinary arts, and am always looking for new techniques, recipes, and ways to improve my skills. Irony, anyone?
I should go, I think. Not that I have anything else to do than to write for hours to an audience I'll never know, because I tend to love doing this. But my back and wrists are starting to hurt from typing the way I am and I could really use that little power nap I've been needing for the past 23 years.
Be well.
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