But I had forgotten that I wanted to post these... Just some stuff I had written a while back, but it's all relevant.
I don't know what's happening to me, but the overwhelming weight of this depression is clouding my thought, my ability to reason with myself, and I'm suffocating every moment in this devastating tailspin of confusion and loss of self...
I'm eating now, constantly, to make up for lost time and months of relentless restriction... it's never enough, the bingeing is endless and uncontrollable, and the agony of disappointment in myself is only exceeded by the wrath of an infuriated master... She can hardly believe her piercing eyes, and yet She refuses to turn away. The gaze of Ana, in all her emaciated perfection, is burning white-hot and searing, blistering my soul with her condescending disdain... Her realization is evident, painfully obvious to both of us: choosing me was a mistake, her miscalculation was fatal... My heart, body, mind, and soul... She wanted it all, and I promised it to her in full and sincere abandon. Words continuously fail to delineate the sheer anguish of this affliction, and yet I try...I try and I try, bleeding, hating, faltering... wanting...needing...crying and screaming, pounding the walls of my own sanity and consciousness with scarred fists, clenched in frustration, in loss... If I've lost myself, then I've lost everything...
But therein lies the problem. I've never lost all of myself; I've come so close, only to be jerked back to reality and to life itself by the ones who love me most... They don't even know...My little girl, my amazing, innocent, sweet babygirl, she knows absolutely nothing of what she does for me, nor of how many times she has saved my life. Why do I try so hard, strive so earnestly for what will surely hasten my own death? The glimmer of reason that remains has not yet been extinguished, and it reminds me each time to put the pen down...don't sign it all away...
But I love Her so, I need Her, and I want Her to forgive me for eating this way... save me from the cage that is this cumbersome, leeching body... I hate Her so, I reject Her, I push Her away and scream for my freedom, begging, pleading, needing...
I don't even know what I need anymore.
*****
This one never really got the chance to be given a proper beginning or end; I stopped myself from completing it when I realized that I was only doing more harm in writing it at all.
...Crimson hate bleeds from every pore, springing, flowing, trickling down and over so many imperfect curves...dreadful, disgraceful curves...pooling, forming tranquil lakes of loathing around my feet into which I dare not tread...
But you cannot ignore the storm for long. Ominous clouds gather in sanguine skies; the bloodthirsty demon awaits the inevitable. Lightning strikes and again I fall, thrown savagely to the depths of a darkness so black I'd rather close my eyes than look into its emptiness.
Furious fingers search fervently, craving that cherished gauntness, tight, smooth skin over perfect bones...It's never there, never enough...Will I ever just disappear?
Funnily enough, I don't feel anywhere NEAR this down right now. Nope, I'm all excited about camping and celebrations of Halloween and fall and all that good stuff, plus I've got tons of studying to do for next week's exams so there's simply not any room (at the moment) for depression. Cheers to that.
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