So far, 135 calories for the day. New personal record.

I'm not saying that I'll go to sleep tonight after only having consumed a handful of baby carrots and a can of tuna, but wouldn't that be just wonderful?

Not sure if I'll be able to skip dinner. That's always tricky with D keeping an eye on things. Then again, he failed to notice my skipping of breakfast and lunch. So there's that.

I can't write much longer. I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to go to the pool. We go every day. I hate having to watch D looking at women there, knowing that, even when I get thin, he will still look at them.

Sigh. I love you all.

P.D.

Shouldn't have weighed this morning. Duh.

Last night, as always, I got drunk and needed to eat something in order to keep myself from getting sick. Stupid mistake. Ugh.

Then, because I had eaten some Chex Mix, I felt that I had already screwed up badly enough to justify eating some fries with my Wendy's Berry Chicken Salad. Fantastic. Yesterday, 162.8. Today, 164.6. I know it's mostly food weight, but I just didn't need to see the number. Plus, I think my scale is a piece of shit liar. Need a new one, but I can't afford it. Meh.

Anyway. So that was last night. Finished eating, wanted to barf, couldn't because D was right there and knew that I wanted to. So I drank some more instead, smoked most of my cigarettes and felt sorry for myself. Yay.

Today, I have my workout clothes on (they haven't seen the light of day in far too long) and I'm planning a jog/brisk walk in the next 30 minutes. In order to have the energy for this, I had a Lean Cuisine meatloaf/potatoes meal for breakfast. It was 240 calories with 21 grams of protein. I love to have as much protein as I can in the mornings, so this was perfect.

After the jog, I'm going to have a shit ton of water, some tea and a small salad (just lettuce, tomato, cucumber and fat free Italian dressing). If I feel hungry before 3 PM, I'll have more tea and water. If I feel dizzy before then, I may have a can of tuna. More protein, nearly fat free.

I'm not sure that this is a good tactic, but I'm gonna try it out. All of my recovery therapy comes back to the surface when I start restricting. I remember Shelley talking to me, supporting me, teaching me, guiding me out of the darkness that was my disorder... and what am I doing now? Throwing it all away? I'm so... torn. Sigh.

Yes. So the baby is asleep and the bigger girlie is sitting on the couch watching Wow Wow Wubbzy. D is in our room, playing his computer games. I can reasonably take my 20 to 30 minute jog/walk and, hopefully, I won't wimp out and come home earlier than planned. Wish me luck, lovelies.

P.D.

So I was drunk and took you guys a picture.

Last night, D and I got Nana to watch the girls and we went out with a friend to a comedy club. It was super fun. Never done that before. I highly suggest it.

Downside: lots of fried food everywhere and you couldn't smoke inside. And the waitresses all wore short shorts and I hate that D is prone to looking. I know, I know, many will say that it's "just a man thing" and that's just what they do. I've heard it all. It doesn't make me feel any better, nor does it make me feel any less hideous. If he'd rather look at them, then that means I haven't reached my goal yet, right? Perhaps.

I had a margarita, a gin and tonic and two beers while I was there. Three shots of vodka and three vodka drinks at home. Not even close to enough water throughout, so of course, I had a headache this morning. It's getting better now, I suppose.

D commented positively on my stomach last night before we went to bed. I was wearing a bra and panties and was leaning over him to get the remote. Naturally, I wasn't entirely comfortable with my position, but it was necessary at the moment. Unexpectedly, he said that my stomach looked really good and that he could tell a difference from a month ago. It was nice to hear.

Anyway, I guess I should go and make some money or clean some dishes or something productive. As promised, here's your drunk picture of me (shown at 163 pounds). Yuck.

New low... but how long will it last?

I ordered pizza for the family last night (against my will, but I was sort of left with no other option). I refused to have any. Said I wasn't hungry over the sound of my growling stomach.

Mostly, I was punishing myself for having caved earlier in the day. I had to drive down to get my oldest from her grandma, a round trip of about 230 miles. Naturally, she wanted McDonald's for lunch. We stopped. I should have just gotten a large diet soda and waited until I could have a salad at lunch. Oh, but no. Instead, I had some chicken bites and a grilled chicken wrap. And a small Diet Coke. Felt so fat after that. So? No pizza.

It bugs me that I had to pay for two pizzas that I couldn't eat. Fucking annoying. The leftovers in the fridge make the whole thing smell of cheesy goodness. I'm trying to pretend that it's covered in mold and animal entrails until it's all been eaten. That usually works. Try it out sometime.

So, even after the McDonald's debacle, skipping dinner and getting myself thoroughly wasted managed to bring me down to 162.0. My goal of getting to 146 by the middle of August seems to be slipping further and further away with each day. My self-control is nil when I'm drinking and my anxiety attacks are becoming more numerous. I have to find a way to afford my doctor's visit in order to get more Prozac. Have to.

I'm so tired. So jaded. So apathetic. The lack of medication is doing more to harm my work and family life than ever before. I just want to sleep all day. Escape the responsibilities of housework, caring for the girls, writing to make money, shopping for everyone... I just want to be unconscious for an indefinite period of time.

Ugh, what a depressing post. Sorry about that. Maybe a short nap will help. Maybe.

Tonight, like every other night, I will tell myself only a few drinks and, like every other night, I will end up going to sleep utterly drunk and, most likely, crying into my pillow over who knows what.

I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected. Hopefully better than all that.

Stay lovely, darlings.

Liquid fast? I'm not sure if that's a good idea...

Well. 163.6 this morning. I think that's a new low since I started over. It doesn't feel as exciting as I figured it would. I suppose that's because I know that I would be a lot smaller by now if I hadn't fucked up so many times over the course of the past two or three weeks.

Oh well. 163.6 is certainly something to be happy about. I told myself last night that I would be liquid fasting today in order to kick start my plan to lose 20 by my birthday. If I do manage to do that, I'll be at 146 (considering where I was when I set the goal) by the middle of August. Seems like a bit of a pipe dream, but hey... I'm just that crazy.

The only thing with liquid fasting for me is that I can never concentrate on my work when there's no food in my system. I had a bit of a protein shake this morning (just a few sips, so probably around 50 or 60 cals) and resisted the temptation to make some eggs. Thing is, I have been in recovery long enough to know that, after I've reached my goal, I will have to maintain it in a healthy way or the results won't stick. I can't fast and starve forever (I know I could, but my fiancee will NOT allow that), so in order to keep myself from gaining all the weight back, I have to remember that crash dieting is not my friend.

Easier said than done, right? So maybe not liquid fasting. I don't want to fuck my metabolism like I did last time. Maybe a light lunch and a few smallish snacks in addition to my salad for dinner... nothing totaling over 900 for the entire day (I was gonna say 500, but then I realized that that's pretty much starving myself anyway and I just made a big ol' speech on how that's bad, mmkay?).

I got really drunk last night (ha...you mean like every night?) and put on a little strip tease for D. He liked it. Looking back, I'm a little surprised that I had the confidence to do something like that. Then I remember the power of 100 proof vodka and my insane ability to knock back shots like they're Kool-Aid.

I didn't end up working out yesterday OR going for a walk with the baby. I need to do that. I know she loves getting outside in her stroller and we ALL know that my fat ass needs the exercise. I will have to do that today. Also, I need to seriously cut back on the booze. It's expensive and I forget big chunks of time and whole conversations and it's making me fatter by the day. If anyone has any suggestions on how to NOT be an alcoholic... or at least any tips on how to slow down... I'm all ears.

Stay lovely, dearies.

P.D.

Failing and Planning... BIG things.

So my birthday is a little over a month away and I have resolved to lose 20 pounds by the time we have my party at the pool. I certainly don't want to be fat for my own birthday party. D will NOT be looking at other women on THAT particular day (actually, he probably will be, but he'll say it's just because he's a guy and he can't help it and I shouldn't be upset because he's with ME and not THEM, etc.).

Anyway. I'm not really doing much to help me reach my goal. Or, at least, I haven't been over the last few days. I went to my great aunt's funeral yesterday and the traveling should have been a good excuse to eat very little. Oh, but NOoooOOOoo... I couldn't POSSIBLY have taken advantage of *that* opportunity. No. I ate. And drank. And ate some more.

I bet that if I stopped drinking altogether, I'd probably lose that 20 pounds BEFORE my birthday.

RIGHT. Like that's gonna happen. I can openly (not proudly) admit that I drink far too much on a daily basis. That's going to have to stop before I end up causing irreparable damage to my internal organs. Seriously.

Anyway... I have decided that weighing this morning, after such a fail weekend, would not be a good idea. The pizza I had last night would inevitably show on the scale and cause me great depression throughout the rest of my day. Rather, I believe I will try to work out today at some point and eat very little... THEN weigh tomorrow. If it's higher than 166 by that point, I will be quite unhappy. But still motivated.

I hope you are all doing well. I feel like taking a long (all day long) nap. Too bad I have to work and shit.

Stay lovely, loveys.

P.D.

And so life goes on

I had a slice of cheese and tomato pizza for lunch yesterday but balanced it out by having a small serving of lettuce and tomato for dinner. The result? 164.4 today. Woohoo! That's nearly a pound down from yesterday. Ah, I had forgotten how quickly it comes off when you're overweight. I could keep to this same diet and work out daily at 124 and not lose a thing. I know because I did that once.

Speaking of food (or was I just thinking of it?), I'm quite hungry at the moment. I think I'll treat myself to a chocolate Ensure protein shake. It's 210 cals but it's good stuff and keeps me feeling full.

Also, my chest hurts for no apparent reason whatsoever... I think I slept wrong. It feels like someone's forced an ice pick directly through my sternum and out my back on the other side. YEAH. Every time I move or breathe too deeply.

Gah, look at me complaining. What a loserhead. I'm gonna post a picture so you can see what I look like at 164.4. Also so that I can look back on it later and smile at my progress. Use it as reverse thinspo if you like. Love you all.





P.D.

Two pounds down in two days like a BOSS

165.2 this morning. I'm winning. :P

That's... what? 12 pounds since I started over? I'll have to check my dates to be sure. Either way, I'm ecstatic.

Last night, I had a dream that I stepped on the scale and it read 144.2. That was awesome. Then I'd only be about ten to twenty pounds away from my "reasonable" stopping point. I'm not allowed to go below 125, apparently. It took more than a year, daily murderous workouts at the gym, multiple diet pills and prescription drugs, lots of purging and intense anorexia to get me to 124 before and I don't necessarily want to go down that road again.

Speaking of purging... Yeah. Last night. I was not so winning there, was I? I don't know what possessed me to devour the rest of my daughter's Spaghettios and a bunch of chips with queso and salsa, but as soon as I had started, I couldn't stop and I knew that I couldn't afford to keep it down. My whole day would be ruined.

I was alone for about ten minutes and had to take the opportunity. Unfortunately, by the time I emerged from the bathroom, D was back from the store and I have no idea if he heard anything (I'm out of practice and can't do it quietly anymore). Not that I want to start doing it again. It's very, very, very BAD, mmkay?

I should get to work for the day. Just wanted to check in and share the good news about 165.2 and whatnot... I hope you all have a lovely day and, in case I don't get the chance to say so, a beautiful weekend as well.

Much love to my lovelies,

P.D.

New low and still going.

167.8 today. That's after last night's failure of three baked chicken wings, cheesy scalloped potatoes and lots of sweet peas. I'm retarded.

Oh well. Today's off to a good start. 220 calories and lots of cold, cold water. Feeling pretty good, though I could use some coffee. Too lazy to make it.

The fiancee and I got into a long, drawn-out cry fest last night (I was the only one crying). I admitted that I had binged and purged a couple nights ago when he was gone. That marks the first time in over a year. I promised him that I wouldn't do it again and I hope I can keep that promise. I hate throwing up. I hate binges even more.

So yes. 167.8. I'm on my way. Between 400 and 800 food calories a day for the past week or so. Alcohol naturally decreases as I don't eat as much. Don't wanna get shitfaced. Often.

I miss all my lovelies. I hope you are all well in whatever stage of this crazy life you find yourself.

Stay perfect.

P.D.

Trying a new approach. Let's see how long it lasts.

So weighing every single morning is obviously not making me happy. I avoid eating anything unhealthy and when I must for the sake of having dinner with my family, I cut my portion size considerably and fill up the extra space with a salad. Still, the scale's not budging and I can't figure out why (other than the drinking, of course).

I didn't dare see what it had to say this morning. No, no, no, not after last night. It was Father's Day, after all, and I wanted to do something nice with/for my love. We went out for dinner and drinks and instead of getting a salad as planned, I decided to say fuck it and enjoy myself for once. I kept trying to remind myself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but I just had to let go... Just to avoid going insane. Plus, a little release goes a long way when you've been denying yourself...

Long story short, I ordered a chicken and vegetable kabob over basmati rice with sweet and sour dipping sauce. Yeah, food IS like porn, I know. Anyway, it wasn't a steak or a sandwich or pasta, but it WAS something other than salad. And I ate a lot of it. Then I had a light beer, a gin and tonic, multiple shots and a few more drinks when I got home. Oh, and two bites of ice cream cake and a sip of chocolate milk.

I decided, as my mouth just about had an orgasm over the cake, that I wouldn't weigh this morning. It would just be ASKING for disappointment and discouragement. In fact, I've decided that I won't weigh at all until next Monday. A full week. Can I do it? I don't know. It's easy enough to talk a big game on the first day, but I know I'll see it and want to... But no.

I'm rambling when I should be making money. So broke after yesterday. Maybe child support will come in? Ha.... That's funny.

Much love to my lovelies...

P.D.

Still... It's the alcohol that's doing it.

170.6 for more than five days now, if my count is correct.

Apparently, it's not just the calories in alcohol that make it difficult to lose weight. I read something yesterday that *should* help me slow down on the drinking... Hopefully.

It says that alcohol turns to acetate in your blood and your body goes ahead and uses that for fuel first instead of fat. So basically, if you're drinking heavily every night, it doesn't matter how much starving or working out you do... You're pretty much gonna be stuck while your body burns through acetate instead of your fatty fatty fat. Lovely.

So last night, I made an effort to avoid getting shitfaced. That means only about seven or eight strong vodka drinks (100 proof) instead of about fifteen. Ha. I'm such an alkie and it's not okay.

Crap. I've been awake for an hour and I haven't eaten breakfast. Way to jump start the ol' metabolism, P.D.! NOT.

Stay lovely, lovelies.

REALLY?!? Not in a good way, no.

170.8.

Five to six pounds in a week's time? That's awesome. I could live with that for an indefinite number of weeks. How about ten of them, all in a row?

God... the thought of that... I'd be 110 - 120 pounds. JEEBUS I'd be fucking perfect.

But now... I've been stagnating again. At 170.something for three days now. And I can't help but wonder if it's the missing Topamax. Ha. I'm ridiculous. Like two days could make that much of a difference.

...or could they? I must do some thinking, obviously. I need to be thin again.

Ironically, I need to go eat. Ha. Loser. But yeah...Breakfast is one meal I will NOT skip.

Pictures to come soon... not that you want to see them.

Stay lovely,

P.D.

I guess no more Topamax...

I don't think it's doing any good.

Sure, I've lost approximately five or six pounds in a week or so, but I've also been eating very little. How would I be able to tell if the Topa was doing anything? What I CAN tell is that it's making my head hurt all the time, making me irritable, making me sick to my stomach (even when I DO eat) and just isn't good for me in general.

So I guess I'll stop taking it for now. If I notice that I suddenly start to gain back the few pounds that I DID manage to lose, then I'll start again and finish them off. Then? I don't know what I'll do after. Just starve some more, I guess. And stop drinking so goddamned much every night.

171.6 today. I'm pretty sure it'd be 169.something if I had laxied, but I'm doing my best not to get back into that old habit.

I'm so hungry, but I'm too lazy to cook anything healthy. Raw carrots it is.

Stay lovely, lovies.

P.D.

HOLY BLUE BALLS, she's gone public again...

Yes. Yes, I have.

I don't know why. This pretty much defeats the purpose of the other (public) blog I've started. Ummm... I have no comment.

Long story short: I recovered. I quit university a year early to get engaged and have a baby, move five hours away from my family and start a job from home that involves sitting at the computer pretty much all the time. I'm a fatass and I hate myself yet again. Good. Now we're caught up. Somewhat.

***

Meh. I'm mildly intoxicated. I spend most (read: all) of my nights this way nowadays. It helps me keep my mind away from all that is expected of me (and yes, I mean that which is expected OF me by EVERYONE and that which I expect of MYSELF).

I really had no other point in this blog post other than that which I pointed out in the title. I mean... Sorry. But I missed you guys WAY too friggin' much. And, from what I can tell from the bit of looking around I have done... FAR TOO MANY OF YOU HAVE DISAPPEARED.

I shouldn't say that. I SHOULD say, rather, that maybe some of you have found better paths, that you have discovered more fruitful endeavors...

I don't know wtf I'm saying. I just... I miss you. I miss this community. My recovery ... well. That is another story for another day. Another SOBER day. For now, however, I shall go to bed drunk, but happy to have stayed under 800 food calories (alcohol kills in calories, in case ya didn't know)... Psst... I knew that you knew...

I hope that I at least still have a few of my good friends left here. I miss you all and I regret leaving you. Recovery was an experience that I will never forget and will, undoubtedly, experience again in the future. However, I am without access to the proper medication and therapy that I require in order to fight this. Therefore, I will follow what guides me now. My gut.

My guts says that I shall be thin. I shall be beautiful. I shall be happy. I shall be in control. Once again, I shall be all of the things that made me feel GOOD about myself.

I'm rambling. It's late. I love you all. <3

As my tattoo (dedicated to all of you as much as it is to myself) says,

STAY LOVELY

P.D.

I'm not sure that I'm writing to anyone anymore...But hey, why not? I'm relapsing, whether I like it or not.

I remember the good ol' days. I had over 220 followers and I followed them all, and more. And now... Well, I was forced to make my blog private. Though now, I'm thinking I might just change that.

I miss the camaraderie and the support (a bit redundant, but hey, I'm buzzed). I miss knowing what was going on in my girls' lives. It helped so much.

A is waking up (I use her initial because I soon plan to make this public again). I realize that I may have mentioned her full name before, but I don't care at this point. I just ... I miss my girls.

What does it mean that I miss you? The lifestyle, the friendships that span across oceans and continents and age? We all share and have shared so much. I don't know where I'm going. I stray from the path of recovery and feel guilty, horrid, lost and... liberated.

I have been gone for so long. I recall fondly the days in which I woke up and checked my blog first thing in the morning. At lunch. When I got home from school. During the day, when I had a spare moment. Every night. I had such a supportive and loving circle of friends I'd never met. And yet you meant so much to me.

This seems, in rereading, a post about nothing. How am I to regain my friends when all I do is type out my current thoughts, rather than getting down to business?

All right.

Here it is.

I am a 25-year-old mother and I am STILL eating disordered.

I have been through a partial recovery and still, to this day, cannot forsake everything that I lived for so long.

I am damaging myself and my family by descending into this once again. I realize that. ... Shouldn't that be enough for me to stop and seek help?

I just...

I want and NEED to be thin again. I suffered so deeply and for so long, just to get to that point. I've lost it now, and I want it back. All of that time and effort cannot be wasted.

Help me. All of you. Any of you. Please.

Stay lovely.

P.D.

Drunk Driving is Illegal... But What About Drunk Blogging?

I had about 400 calories today before I started drinking. Wine and vodka can be taken into consideration, of course, but I feel that I am probably still ahead. I shouldn't be allowed near any device sporting an internet connection.

Thank the gods for the squiggly red lines. You probably wouldn't be able to read this otherwise.

The upkeep of an entire house, the care of a four-month-old baby and the constant entertainment and education of a five-year-old all SHOULD make me so tired that I fall asleep as soon as possible (I just typed "poosible" and it made me smile internally... thought you should know...). But NOOoooOOoooOOOOOoooooo...

P.D. wants to get drunk every night. Lots of unnecessary calories? Check. Impaired judgement? Check. Forgetting about all of my problems? YES. Please. PLEASE.

Thank you.

My screen is spinning. I pride myself on the ability to function somewhat normally while in this state. I am so tempted to eat.

I can't. I must. I can't stand this recovery shit.

I love and miss you all.

-P.D.

Ana is calling me back... WTF, stupid brain...

I know it's been quite a while since my last post. Now, as I reread the last few posts that I made, I realize that I've been on more of a roller coaster than I have let anyone know.

Thing is... YOU guys... You wonderful, beautiful beings with whom I share so much... YOU were some of the best friends I have ever had. And we've never even met.

I am now four months postpartum. My newest daughter is the perfected image of myself and my fiancee. She makes me smile more than I ever have in my entire life.

And yet... I'm bothered. My disorder has been creeping in, and not slowly.

I gained about 60 pounds with this pregnancy. That put me, on delivery day, at 198 pounds. Granted, I was lower than what I should have been when I became pregnant, but that is of no consequence at the moment. I am simply devastated with the way I let myself eat throughout those nine months. I gave in. I decided to consume everything that the life inside of me needed... and more.

And now? Four months after giving birth, I am still only 30 pounds lighter. Over the past three weeks, I have given in to my disorder full-force. I have let it take me over once again. I have reach a point at which I no longer wish to eat, even when hunger is cramping my insides. I just don't want it. A fridge full of food and I don't want a single thing.

I grow dizzy and remember that I am a stay at home mom, breastfeeding an infant and supporting the constantly growing imagination of a 5-year-old. I must be PRESENT for them.

The wake-up call came earlier this week, when I realized that, as I attempted to nurse my 4-month-old, my milk supply was drastically reduced. Why? I'm sure you can guess. That's right. When you don't eat, your body stops doing things it would normally do on a normal diet. Fuck.

In light of this discovery,I've worked on re-normalizing my diet... AGAIN. I try to drink more water and eat even when I'm not hungry. I get drunk nearly every night now (for a number of reasons) and this allows me to eat dinner without gut-wrenching guilt and dismay.

My fiancee took away my scale. He said he's only helping, and I know this to be true. I will henceforth try my hardest to judge my success based on the way my clothes do or do not fit. This will be difficult, but after a year of no scale (as ordered by my ED therapist), I think I can do it without going too crazy.

I miss you all, my beauties, and I hope your lives are treating you as well as can be expected.

Stay lovely...

~P.D.