Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Uh...can you say FAIL?

Damn. And this wasn't just some mindless, spontaneous binge that got the best of me, either. Oh no. Premeditated. Evil. Malicious. Dangerous. Worst yet...Defiant.

Rebellion. It's in all of us. When you begin to rebel against yourself, your own rules, lying to yourself and pitting side against side within your own mind...It's difficult to regain control of the side you want most to win.

Ana, I need you in my corner, now more than ever. I need you to punish me for the 1200 calories I consumed today, I need you to forgive me for defying you. For ignoring you. For suppressing your voice as it called out to me through each and every fucking bite...

"Don't eat that," you said... You beckoned, you reminded, you reprimanded, scolded, you screamed, and I ate. I silenced your voice with the desire to fill my belly, to feel the feeling of FULL. I am so, so sorry...

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am frightened at my lack of resolve, but even more so by my lack of diligence, adherence to the path I've chosen for myself. If this is my choice, my decision, my lifestyle, then shouldn't I have control over it? There's that word again. It all...comes down...
to control.

Ugh. I'm sorry. I tire of writing.

I'm off for now. Stay lovely.

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