Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Chewing and spitting gummy bears...

...fail. Yeah. Another post from me, full of all kinds of negativity...big surprise, right?

This, like so many of my previous entries, is not supposed to be a long one. It's late and my daughter is still awake (her daycare had a Christmas program tonight so we got home later than usual) and there is much to do around here before I'll be able to say I'm ready for our trip (we're leaving Thursday to fly up north to visit my boyfriend's family for the holidays). As I type, clean and dry laundry rests wrinkling in the dryer. Dirty dishes steep in soapy water, waiting to be washed and dried and put away. My suitcase sits in a messy, cluttered room, asking to be packed...but that brings us back to square one. The laundry. And the little one...I can't get much done when she's awake. I told her it was bath time about 20 minutes ago. Way to go, slacker mommy.

Chewing and spitting (c&s) is NOT a substitute for restriction. And yet somehow, I can already see the detrimental effects it has on my will power. It's one of the most difficult things I do in my daily life, avoiding eating. Every single moment is consumed with thoughts of food as it is... now there's this *new* thing that promises the opportunity to taste the foods I'm not allowed to have, just as long as I'm able to spit them out before the mostly natural process of swallowing occurs. NO. I can't let this be a crutch. Ugh... you still end up swallowing quite a bit of what you chew, if you're not careful. Oh, and a note that may seem obvious (but of course I had to try it): peanut butter on apples... very nearly impossible to c&s successfully. Yeah. Retarded.

Gummy bears. Why did I want those? Why did I think I could have them, chew them, and manage not to swallow even a little? No, this only leads to fail. You think you can resist swallowing...but then it happens, just a little, and it feels good. So you swallow a little more...each calorie adding up to a total that's already too high for the day. If it's in my mouth, it's already gone too far. Too close. No. Just keep it far, far away... Like in the package. On the shelf. At the store. Or in the trash. I hate wasting food, I do...You wouldn't guess it, reading all of this. But I do. That's one of the reasons I have such a hard time throwing away the rest of my daughter's dinner when she doesn't finish...because it's still perfectly good, right? And usually it's something I'm not allowed to have...it's so easy just to reach over and... NO. God damn it, no. Fuck. I'm hating this.

By "this," I mean... Shit, I hardly have time to delve into it, but I know that's why I'm here. That's why I chose to sit down in front of this computer in a chair that kills my back as soon as I settle in...That's why I'm not doing the dishes or laundry or bathing my child... Because I need to figure myself out. I hate not having time for anything, and yet having enough time to ...what, waste? If this is a waste, then it's a necessary one, damn it. I'll defend my right to rant til death.

Perhaps I'll come back and explain after I get all of that shit done. Yes. Simple enough, right? ..Yeah... I guess... not when your brain feels like it's going to explode with all of the bullshit rolling around in it.

I'll be back.

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