Sunday, December 20, 2009

Fail snack?

Carrots. Steamed. Delicious. Not bad. Good.

Green beans. Also steamed, and also very tasty. Very good.

Cereal...3/4 cup of Honey Bunches of Oats...with 1/3 cup of milk. 165 calories. FAIL.

I was just so hungry. So weak. Weak in as many ways as you can imagine. Mentally and equal parts.

That puts me up to about 445, but my count may be slightly off, as I did allow myself another cup of coffee to fill the emptiness in my stomach left after the veggies. The coffee should have only been 15 or 20. Hopefully.

*sigh* I feel so unpretty today. Could be that I've missed taking my Wellbutrin in the mornings a few days in row, only remembering after noon...and that *does* often make a significant difference.

I haven't worked out. That always makes me feel ugly. Fat. Fail. I have full intentions to get on that machine, but finding something with which to occupy my very inquisitive three year old little munchkin for a sufficient amount of time to burn the necessary calories...that's a little more difficult. I'm currently downloading some Dora the Explorer. Bad mommy. Dora is not a babysitter. But maybe..just for an save my sanity? Please?

We're supposed to eat lunch here in the next hour or so, even though have no plans to eat anything. I'm not hungry at the moment, not physically. The carrots put me over the top (another reason I feel so unattractive; I'm full-ish) and, even though the smells coming from the kitchen are indeed tempting, I'm going to do my best to decline anything offered to me. It's hard, though, doing that kind of thing and not seeming rude. We'll see.

Then shopping. I hate holiday shopping. I don't have the money to spend and I don't have the patience to deal with the chaos, or with my daughter. The drivers are discourteous, reckless, oblivious; the shoppers are greedy, impolite, and oblivious. When my daughter inadvertently cuts someone off by running across their hurried path, I always quickly grab her arm, reprimand her appropriately, and apologize sincerely to the person she may have offended. Most of the time, people just keep walking, not even acknowledging my effort. Some smile and say it's okay, and I assume those are the parents who have dealt with that sort of thing before. There are others, still, who will glare menacingly at her, as if a three year old child does this sort of thing on purpose. Whatever. Screw ya'll. ALL ya'll. :P

I sound like a horrible parent, but her neediness is driving me crazy. I feel claustrophobic. The weather outside does not permit escape. Nor does any door in this house...she can open all of them.
I'm on vacation...and yet there is no feeling of vacation here, at least not in this moment. *sigh...*

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