Monday, December 21, 2009

Good morning to all...

I don't know how long I'll be able to type this morning; I'm sitting on a cold inflatable mattress about four feet from a slightly less cold pull-out sofa bed, where my darling little daughter and boyfriend currently still sleep. It's 8:34 AM and there's no reason for me to be awake, I suppose, seeing as how this *is* vacation. Sleeping burns fewer calories. There's a reason for you.

My primary reason for waking up at 7 this morning was to weigh. Naturally, right? Since yesterday just went *SO* swimmingly. No. I ate too much (about 1000 calories) and only managed to get in about 20 minutes of cardio time (burning something slightly over 200, according to my nifty heart rate monitoring watch). The scale hasn't moved. For this, I suppose, I could be grateful. At least it hasn't gone up, right? Fuck that. Ana has no time for this kind of weakness, dallying, complacency. There is NO SUCH THING as "at least" in this life. At least NOTHING. Don't even think of starting any sentence with "at least." It means you're settling. It means you fucked up BUT. And we all know there is no BUT.

On a cheery note (as I promise I'm not in nearly the foul mood that last paragraph may have implied), I checked my grades for this semester, and... (drumroll in my head)... I managed to make the Dean's List again. Hells to the muthafuckin' yeah. Thus ends my third semester at a university I adore, despite the unspeakable presence of my ever-diminishing faith in an overpriced piece of parchment to improve my quality of life after graduation...but ah well, we shall see. Maybe the world will surprise me and start to value dedication again before 2012.

Ah yes, the Dean's List. I made it my first semester and thought, "Wow, that wasn't easy, but it wasn't as hard as everyone made it out to be. I think I'll try really hard for that again." So second semester ended, and, lo and behold...made it again. My uncle joked that I make it look easy. Ha. YEAH. No. You try doing this as a single parent of a constantly growing enigma of a toddler...Your free time isn't just cut in half, it's erased entirely, until after her bedtime. I don't get to go to all of the handy little study groups and sessions my fellow students put on, because daycare closes at 6:30 every day. I don't get to plop down on the couch with my books and study whenever the whim moves me, because my daughter is needy, as she should be. My study time starts when she is in bed (unless she has a bad dream and can't sleep, and that's a whole different story). She and I read about four or five of her books, and then we sing lullabies together, and then I kiss her goodnight and she embraces me as tightly as perfect little three-year-old arms can and reminds me of why I'm alive: "I love you, Mommy..." That smile... <3 She's my one true beauty in a world of chaos and pain.

So, needless to say, this achievement of a 3.51 may not seem like much, but to me, it means a heck of a lot. I'm pretty proud of myself and, for once, it's not because the scale tells me it's okay to smile.

I'm off to breakfast. Only oatmeal, and only because I know I'll need the strength throughout the day. On the bright side, the cold weather really helps with the calorie burnage. So that's win. I've spent all of the past hour, somehow not realizing an hour had even passed, reading blog after blog written by women so much like myself, struggling with these issues, or loving their issues, or hatinglovingneeding them like I do. It's all so fascinating and, even though this may not be appropriate, I find so much of it to be amazing thinspo. I'm sick. I know it.

Stay lovely, every single one of you. I'm excited that my following has increased to 4. :P Ha. Gotta start somewhere, right? Tell a friend. ;)

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