Monday, December 7, 2009

So I'm back...ish..

I've been away for quite some time, for a number of reasons. For a little while there, I thought I was getting "better." I thought I wanted to be better. There are some moments of some days that I feel like freedom from this obsession is all that I need to be truly happy in life...and then I remember that, without Ana, without this obsession, I am lost. I am lost to myself and within myself, and without her I fear every bite, every calorie, as if they were actual, physical phantoms very capable of causing me bodily harm...Oh wait...right...they can. Yes...

The microwave says my green beans are ready. My daughter is pulling my right arm persistently, insisting that I come away from the computer and into the living room to watch her do her "trick"... which I'm almost certain is the same trick she's been doing for the past hour or so. Spinning. Around in a circle. Over and over until she gets dizzy and nearly hurts herself falling, every single time. Ha. She's three. Oh, to be so easily amused. If I thought spinning mindlessly in circles would help me escape my own mind for just a few moments, I'd probably try it, too. As it is, I'm feeling pretty dizzy this evening, but I'm not eating anything other than these green beans. Oh, they're going to be so delicious. The tastiest 20 calories I've had today, I'm sure.

Yes, tomorrow is Tuesday. Tuesdays and Thursdays = weigh days. Tomorrow's goal is set at 135 or lower. I've been working my ass off with this number in mind, burning at least 500 calories on the elliptical/treadmill every single morning in addition to limiting myself to less than 1,200 calories a day. Today, I hit about 1,000, but with that workout this morning PLUS walking around campus all day in near-freezing's no wonder I'm dizzy. All right, I'll make myself a deal: if I can't finish my communications study guide for all the stars and tracers flying around and past my eyes, then I'll eat something else. Maybe some grapes. An apple. Tomato. No carbs. Absolutely not. I know that's probably what my body needs, and were tomorrow not a Tuesday, I probably would allow myself a slice of whole wheat toast. As it is, though, I simply can't risk having that bread this late. It's 8 PM, after all. Nope. Can't do it. Won't.

I feel that my thoughts are so scattered, so random, and I apologize for the lack of direction in this post. Meh.

So since I last wrote, I've dropped about 4 lbs, if I'm not mistaken. That's not much, but when you consider the fact that I'm not starving myself (technically, I guess I *am* if you consider consuming anything less than 1200 a day "starving"...whatever) and that I'm exercising, building muscle mass, all that... 4 lbs isn't bad at all. A lb a week. That's all I'm asking. It only gets more difficult as you get lower.

Ah, the little one beckons. And I should really spend some time with her before bed time. I hope to report success tomorrow. We shall see.

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