Sunday, December 27, 2009

Free days don't exist.

Today was about as close to a "free day" as any of us could ever imagine, and yet the way I feel now is as far from free as any of us could ever feel.

I ate. I was obligated to eat, and could not hide behind Ana's protective shadow as I sat in the very middle of a very large dinner table. Christmas dinner, a few days late, with all the perils of a first Christmas dinner plus leftovers to take home for the week to come. *sigh...*

I managed to eat only two bites of the potatoes, the smallest roll I could find, and a bite of beans, and filled the rest of my plate with tons of salad with vinegar dressing so that I'd still be eating while everyone else was...Can't finish too soon, of course.

Then...dessert. I felt a little fail after eating at all, and that was my own undoing. I've told myself again and again and it still doesn't seem to matter. "Don't beat yourself up. It *always* ends in disaster. Snowball effect. Remember this for next time." 'Cept I don't remember it. Not in the face of dessert.

I just wish I could get to the point that I no longer *want* food. I know I'll get there. It's there, sometimes. It peeks out from behind a corner, stepping a toe out and testing the waters, seeing if I deserve its services, its assistance. That desire to AVOID food entirely. To where I only want to eat when I know that I must do so in order to survive. Not for pleasure. Not for enjoyment. Nothing. Food: use only in emergency situations.

Ah, I'll get there. For now...I'll just suck, I guess.

So I ate. Probably about 2000 fucking calories. Oh yes. There's a bomb for ya. FUCK. Yep. An f-bomb. Binge-TAStic.

Chocolate. Brownies. Fucking almonds, salted cashews, and CAKE. More chocolate? SURE. I'd love to undo every bit of restriction I've endured for the past TWO YEARS.

It must be the leggings. See, I have this pair of fantastic tight black leggings. Hannah Montana, HA! Who woulda thunk it? Her clothing line has some pretty cute stuff.

So I'm wearing these leggings with a somewhat baggy top, knee high leather black boots, my hair all done up so you can see both my stars trailing down behind my ear and the eye of Horus at the base of my neck. I love those tattoos. Subtly sexy, edgy, but still small enough to get away with 'em at family gatherings.

I look GOOD. For the first time in ages, I actually thought I looked great. Could be that the scale's reading this morning provided me with an extra dose of confidence... 131 again. Down from 134 two days ago. I know, water weight. Whatever. We all know that we live for the numbers, and any time they go down, my mood goes up. Such is the way things are.

Regardless of the reason for my slightly elevated mood, I felt confident. Like maybe... stupid... maybe I could afford to eat ONE brownie. You fat cow, did you REALLY forget your inescapable propensity to BINGE? It's always there, lurking, and it doesn't take much to let it in.

I let it in. Boy, did I let it in hardcore.

2000. That's an estimate. Just fine for a normal person, right? That's the average recommended amount... Arbitrary number...Fuck.

I've promised myself that, since this was the last time I'll be around this food (except for the leftovers, which I will try to avoid entirely) for nearly a year, that I will move on from this experience with a lesson learned. That is all. I could spend a week or more hating myself for this mother of a binge, but I won't do that. It's counterproductive, likely to cause more damage than the calories themselves, and I won't do it. I will not weigh myself in the morning. I will not weigh myself the next day. On the third day, I will have lost whatever I have gained as a result of this day, and life will continue and the world will have kept turning and I will not a result...of this day.

Just won't be a habit, is all.

Thank you for listening to this rant. I appreciate your attention to my nonsense. ;)

I hope all of you lovely, lovely creatures have had a better day than my own. Time to put the little sweetheart down for her night time story telling...she loves to read. :) Here's to a better day tomorrow.



  1. Your outfit sounds awesome!
    Don't worry, everyone stuffs up at Christmas time, its really really really hard to avoid.
    Pick yourself up and dust yourself off, you'll be alright, and thinner in no time :)
    Xx. Lillie

  2. Hello - was just lurking, but decided to post.:)
    I know exactly how those binges happen! I have had the same struggle here myself! I can really relate, but I've been trying to be positive since my Christmas binges O_o.

    Oh and I think I know those leggings! Are they the Miley brand? Black and tight?
    Stay strong!