Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry effing Christmas...

I always wake up with the best of intentions. Every day.

Today, the scale said 133 or 134 again. We're snowed in for the most part, so getting out of the house is nearly impossible. We walked around in the snow for a bit, but I doubt I burned even 1/16 of the calories I consumed today.

I fucked up badly today. Worst day in over a month, possibly two months. It's easy enough to say, "Oh well, it's Christmas, let yourself have this ONE day, just ONE day to take a break." There are no vacations from Ana.

I kept eating. Even after I realized what I was doing to myself, stuffing my face, I kept going. Reckless abandon. Bread, peanut butter, cereal, yogurt, cookies, more peanut butter, more cookies, turkey, bananas, apples, mashed potatoes, squash, and only thirty minutes of cardio.

If I eat ANYthing, I'll eat EVERYthing...and so I SHOULD eat NOTHING.

A single bite leads to another. Another. Another. Until you feel like such a failure that the only fitting punishment is making yourself so full that you're miserable. And fat.

I'm so sorry that my recent posts have been so depressing. The weather and cabin fever just get to me...the grey skies, the cold, the FOOD. I have no energy. I eat and eat and I have no energy. I don't understand.

Hardcore restriction or all-out bingeing. The choice is obvious.

1 comment:

  1. ugh, I know exactly what you mean. I messed up badly today too. Hopefully tomorrow will be a new, better day for both of us! <3