131.2. You've come at last.

It's here. My lowest weight ever.

There's no stopping now.

Thank you, my lovely supporters, for remaining beside me even though I am crazy.
You are my whole world when my world wants to fall from beneath my feet... I don't care how lame that sounds. I need you, and you are here for me, and this is real. Thank you.

Thank you, to the haters out there. :P You remind me to be cynical. We all need a dose of it here and there.

The elation I was sure I'd feel with the coming of 131.-anything didn't exist this morning. I'm fairly certain it's because I wasn't surprised. I would have been positively flabbergasted with anything higher. I mean, I hardly ate. I'm completely dehydrated, despite my very earnest efforts to the contrary.

131.2. So..very..close.

I will see the 120s.

It will be marvelous.

My insanity has been getting the best of me lately, and I've been letting you in on a tiny fragment of it here, a snippet there, a whisper or a hurried snatch of a scream you thought was an echo because now it's gone and who among us can really trust her ears, anyway?

I've decided that I will revert to taking my Topamax (yes, my crazy pills) in two doses daily instead of one; 25 mg in the morning, 25 at night. Still not exceeding or falling below my prescribed dosage, which is good. I can't feel that wired. I can't. It changes me, who I am, and though the liberation from the DESIRE for food is a blessing, the constant FEAR of food is quite a different experience...not a pleasant one. I find, too, that when I am in that state, I am not myself creatively speaking...I can't write, I can't draw, or paint, or think poetically...My mind is such a beautiful, loving, whimsical place. I want to remember that. I want to bring it back, before it disappears.

No. I won't ever let it disappear.

K and I had the talk. I had full intentions of making it final. Breaking up. Why? Because I'm done. I've been trying to reach back down within me to find this love that I know existed once...and it's not there. And so I've given it time. And still nothing. And so I came here, and sat beside him, and held him, and he cried, and I stroked his hair and whispered soft words to him that sounded, in my ears, like they meant nothing at all. Hallmark movie words. Empty.

He wants to come with me to my therapy session on Tuesday, so we can talk things out there...I agreed. I know that T (my lovely therapist) knows me better than he does. She knows my real wants, and she will hold me accountable for these things, won't let me back down when the shit starts to fly. It's difficult to look him in the eyes and tell him the truth, sitting here on this couch that suddenly feels so foreign... Perhaps it will be easier to do so with her in the room.

I should go. We're seeing a movie later. Yay.

<3