Sunday, April 18, 2010

131.2. You've come at last.

It's here. My lowest weight ever.

There's no stopping now.

Thank you, my lovely supporters, for remaining beside me even though I am crazy.
You are my whole world when my world wants to fall from beneath my feet... I don't care how lame that sounds. I need you, and you are here for me, and this is real. Thank you.

Thank you, to the haters out there. :P You remind me to be cynical. We all need a dose of it here and there.

The elation I was sure I'd feel with the coming of 131.-anything didn't exist this morning. I'm fairly certain it's because I wasn't surprised. I would have been positively flabbergasted with anything higher. I mean, I hardly ate. I'm completely dehydrated, despite my very earnest efforts to the contrary.

131.2. So..very..close.

I will see the 120s.

It will be marvelous.

My insanity has been getting the best of me lately, and I've been letting you in on a tiny fragment of it here, a snippet there, a whisper or a hurried snatch of a scream you thought was an echo because now it's gone and who among us can really trust her ears, anyway?

I've decided that I will revert to taking my Topamax (yes, my crazy pills) in two doses daily instead of one; 25 mg in the morning, 25 at night. Still not exceeding or falling below my prescribed dosage, which is good. I can't feel that wired. I can't. It changes me, who I am, and though the liberation from the DESIRE for food is a blessing, the constant FEAR of food is quite a different experience...not a pleasant one. I find, too, that when I am in that state, I am not myself creatively speaking...I can't write, I can't draw, or paint, or think poetically...My mind is such a beautiful, loving, whimsical place. I want to remember that. I want to bring it back, before it disappears.

No. I won't ever let it disappear.

K and I had the talk. I had full intentions of making it final. Breaking up. Why? Because I'm done. I've been trying to reach back down within me to find this love that I know existed once...and it's not there. And so I've given it time. And still nothing. And so I came here, and sat beside him, and held him, and he cried, and I stroked his hair and whispered soft words to him that sounded, in my ears, like they meant nothing at all. Hallmark movie words. Empty.

He wants to come with me to my therapy session on Tuesday, so we can talk things out there...I agreed. I know that T (my lovely therapist) knows me better than he does. She knows my real wants, and she will hold me accountable for these things, won't let me back down when the shit starts to fly. It's difficult to look him in the eyes and tell him the truth, sitting here on this couch that suddenly feels so foreign... Perhaps it will be easier to do so with her in the room.

I should go. We're seeing a movie later. Yay.



  1. Wow, P.D., you're amazing! Look at you, at your lowest ever! I can't wait for you to see the 120s, you're going to look so good!

    I agree on the Topamax. You want to remain you. Taking it in two doses like that will probably normalize the amount of drug in your system, instead of having a huge amount all at one time, and then progressing down to zero amount. A more level amount circulating all the time sounds much nicer to your body. I hope it works!

    I'm glad you had the talk with K, and that he seems to want to work things out. Maybe seeing the therapist together will be a good thing for the both of you.

    Enjoy your movie! xoxo

  2. Is that you in the profile picture? Those bones look delicious.

  3. wow congrats! and the profile pic is awsm .. is it you?? :O

  4. You are so close to 120s! That's exciting!

    I think Sottile's right--a more level dosage might help your body adjust to the Topa and maybe alleviate some of the crazy you are feeling.

    Hope your movie is good! And I hope that the therapist visit with K helps you guys work some of the issues out...he seems like he is willing to try hard to keep what you've got. Is that what you want? (Because I'm totally biased here, and I think that you should have whatever you need to feel happy. Whether or not that's K is up to you, of course.)

    I gave you a sunshine award. I'm late on it, because I was sick all last week. But you're awesome and you deserve it.


  5. Hi im Evie, I am following your blog. Congrats on passing yet another milestone.x

  6. A new low! You inspire me to do my best today, and cross my fingers for a new low sometime in my near future.
    I am so proud of you.
    And I truly hope that you can find a balance between taking the Tmax, having your binge cravings under control, losing weight finding happiness, and keeping your creativity. That would be an absolutely perfect world, now wouldn't it? And it's everything I want for you!

    Love you lots, have fun at your movie! And best of luck figuring things out with K.

  7. Well done on your new low :)
    Its always so inspiring to see a new low, it is one of the best feelings, I think.
    love, xo.

  8. I don't have any advice or anything for you about K, but I'm glad you're taking matters into your own hands and taking control of the situation-- so many people continue in poor relationships without good reason, and just drag themselves down because of it.

    Sheesh, congrats on your new lowest weight!! That's awesome :D

  9. luckyluckyluckyluckyluckyluckyluckyluckylucky
    ...except not technically, because I know you've worked so hard to get here.
    I'm proud of you!
    And good luck with the therapy, be strong.
    Hope everything works out!

  10. Congrats on the low babe! That is absolutely awesome, and you will see the 20's in no time! I am so happy for you!!

    You sound like you're in a good place. Like you know what you want, and deserve and are not willing to settle for anything less.. I hope the situation with the boy works out how you want.

  11. Yes! That's amazing! Congratulations, and keep going, and you will reach the 120s superfast! You are inspiring. : )

    I think talking things out with K in therapy will be good for you guys. Sometimes relationships aren't necessarily ruined; they just need some work.

    Good luck on everything!

  12. Wow... great job little lady! I am sooooo proud of you!! You really do deserve this.

    And yeah, thanks haters! Heh, I'll send you crying for your mommies... try me.

    xoxoxo muah,

  13. Wow, your lowest weight ever, and your so close to the 120's. Therapy always helps me. Expecialy when I need to work some thing out with another person.

  14. Congratulations on the new low! I’m so proud! I’m slowly but surely heading towards the 120s as well, though I’m a LOT further away for now. You look phenomenal in your profile pic, your bones are so beautiful.

    Keep going love!