Saturday, April 10, 2010

What does a hernia feel like? Probably hurts real bad...

I feel compelled to post, and yet I feel a sneaking suspicion that said post very well may contain nothing but fail.


Do you feel any less compelled to read now?

Hope not.

I like it when you read me.

So I awoke today with the loveliest of intentions. Veggie-colored intentions.

Mostly green, you know, like broccoli florets and sugar-snap peas, but also shades of white like water chestnuts and cauliflower; orange of carrots and yellow of squash. Beautiful nearly negative calories.

Can you sense where this is going? I'm gonna go ahead and guess you can.

500 calories of Cheerios, gluten-free breakfast bar, almond milk (deliciously low cal wonderfulness, that is!) and glutentastic oatmeal LATER, here I sit, promising myself to stick to veggies for the rest of the day.

I wrote all of that like thirty minutes ago.

My blogging keeps getting interrupted by random things. K is at some gaming thing (or at least on his way) and he just called saying he can't find the place. Googled it for him. Hope he doesn't get lost.

B just told me she needed to go potty. Two seconds too late. Then informed me that she wanted to change her clothes because they were all "wet and cold but she didn't know why." Come on, kid. You're smart. Put two and two together, here.

So we took care of that.

The television is on too loud and my stomach feels empty but I'm angry at myself for eating and so I feel like I should punish myself by starving. I'm a big mixed up ball of thoughts and emotions but I don't feel all that upset at all, almost as if I'm ... blurry. Like everything I'm feeling is all splattered out on a canvas for me to see, but then carefully covered with a sheer sheet of the finest transparent tracing paper, tissue-thin. I'm not completely affected by it. It's fine. I'm okay.

Could be worse, I guess, is what I'm saying. I could be a hell of a lot more stressed by current circumstances than I am right now, and the fact that I'm not is a good thing. My essay still isn't written and the novel I'm to read by Monday morning isn't read and my chemistry exam will come at 11 that same morning whether I've studied for it by then or not.

And I'm hungry. I should be. I deserve to be hungry. I just want to be thin.


I need to NOT weigh unless I've taken the laxies the night prior. I'm pretty sure I've said that before. I never listen to myself.

I want to take more Topamax than I am now. I think I might. 50 mg a day isn't working. I need to talk to my doctor about it first, though. That's what responsible patients do, right? They don't just go about adjusting their own dosages as they please to suit their own whims, fucking with their brain chemistry whenever they feel like it because they figure they know better than their advanced medical degree carrying doctors...right?





Can I pretend it's a vegetable?

SURE, I can pretend. I'm fantabulous at pretending. I'm the proud owner of a three-year-old, after all. I have the most incredible imagination, and I love it to bits. But this ability to pretend is often the most dangerous of my diet saboteurs; it should be regarded with extreme caution. But...I'm going to go ahead and leave it out of the vegetable diet for today. 90 calories. Yeah.

Oh, and here's something for you. I elected to leave the gluten intolerance test out of my labs when my doctor took my blood because I honestly can't afford the $262 bill for it. I'd rather just eliminate gluten from my diet for a few weeks and see how I feel, you know? But what gets me is what I got back from the student health clinic yesterday. Apparently, my cholesterol is high. Yeah. 211. Shouldn't be any higher than 200, at the highest. I'm supposing ideal would be something under 100, then? I don't know for sure because I've never even considered it as a potential issue for me. My diet is so low in fatty food that it's been probably the least of my dietary concerns for as long as I can remember. 211. Wow. Makes me wonder what it would look like if I DIDN'T exercise 4 to 5 times a week, or if I actually DID eat like the majority of Americans out there, friedgreasyfattygrossness and all. Damn.

Anyway, I don't think there's much to worry about there, I'm healthy otherwise. And there's not a whole lot more I can do to improve my cholesterol as far as diet is even LESS fat? I mean, granted, when I binge, I suppose I do occasionally include a few Starbucks cinnamon rolls here and there, shit like that... Peanut butter. Olive oil. But those are supposed to be okay...whatever. I'm not going to fret about it.

I just took a picture because I wanted to show you the slight sunburnage I recently acquired over my first two days of fake-n-bake tanning (I know!! I know I shouldn't. I caved. Tan fat looks so much leaner than pale fat...) but the pinkness of my skin didn't really turn out in the pic. What somehow DID manage to turn out in the picture is a tiny shadow of definition where my hips are trying to peek out...So I thought I'd share. *sigh..* Now if I could just go back and undo the SECOND bowl of cereal I just had...

(you like the knock-off Dollar Store Tinkerbell doll on the floor next to the bathtub that made her way into that shot? :P)


That's the voice I have today. It's been saying that for the past few days. Every time I walk past any remotely reflective surface, I see her. The average girl. Not too fat, but definitely not thin...just.. meh. Plain. Average. Chubby here and there... she's got some okay spots, I guess, but mostly, overall, nothing at all remarkable to make her stand out from the rest of EVERYBODY ELSE.

I'm going to go now before I start off on yet another tangent (I've got 'em stockpiled for miles, lemme assure you).. ;)

Gotta put the little one down for her nap anyway. Then on to the essay writing! Let's hope my muse is feeling generous with her presence this afternoon...

PS - Crapfactory, I just got through an entire post (amidst ridiculous distraction and in inordinate amount of stress caused by one very demanding and LOUD little girl...this post took me like three hours...JEEBUS!) and now I am just realizing that I'll need to create an entirely different post dedicated specifically to the sunshine award thing... Passing the love along is definitely worth more of my time and attention than I have had this whole morning. Will have to post again soon! :D


  1. Hahaha! Congrats on getting all the way through the post! PD, for being so "average" you sure do look amazing to me! I know what you are going for... but man! Your stomach muscles are so tight looking and yeah, I can see your hips coming out!

    I would say don't punish yourself for eating the wrong things, because punishment leads to more bad feelings, which leads to more nautiness and more feelings of "eff it all I'm gonna eat cuz I screwed it up." Just try to stick to your veggies like you said, or even low cal things would be good. Relax. Try to be gentle to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. However slowly, the weight IS coming down. (And you know that when you have a bowel mvmt it will be even lower-- gross, but so true.)

    Good luck girl, on the eating and your schoolwork. Just try to take it a little at a time. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!

    Cheering for ya. xoxo.

  2. im very jealous of ur stomach actually. i dont think its average at all. ur skinny =) and i wish my hip bones stuck out that much.
    i understand about having to stop writing and spending hours on just one post. its cute that u show ur daughter so much love though :)
    looking forward to ur next post
    ur cholesterol also shocked me a little. my mum eats lots of fatty things and has never had any problems with her cholesterol, its been a little high at times but not too much. i also wonder what i would look like if i didnt exercise 5 times a week, probably like more of a fat pig than now.

  3. Wait... do you have a hernia? Or are you just speculating? I hope it's that latter.

    I would wait a bit before rushing back to your doctor with a request for a higher dosage. Have you even been on it for a whole week? It seems like you just posted your success at getting a legitimate Rx a few days ago... but I haven't checked.

    Patience is a virtue. It's only a cliche because people must constantly be reminded of it.



  4. Look at that stomach, lovely! You're doing so well! Forget about the day's failures. Just think, the topamax is going to fix it right up.
    So cheer up, drink some water, and start imagining your all new I-fit-my-skinny-clothes wardrobe <3

    xoxox alisson

  5. i read the whole thing !!

    LOOK AT THAT BODY! i envy you!! :D

  6. Sunshine for my sunshine :P
    Yes, I am a cheeseball...

    xoxox alisson

  7. hey,
    thanks for texting with me all day today. can't tell you how much you've helped keep me motivated and focused!
    good luck with your essay
    love you lotsss <3

  8. Your hips look so good in the picture! Just think how good they will look when are sharp as knives poking through all the clothes you own :) I live for that day!

    And I think I would ask my doctor before I increased the dose of something I was taking. He or she will definitely know how the drug works, and what side effects you should watch for on higher dosage, etc. I know it's hard to wait, but I think when messing with medication, I would err on the side of caution.

    Also, I totally look at myself in any reflective surface as well. There is this row of windows I have to walk past when I go into school every day, and I always check myself out in them!

    Stay strong, and have a good day tomorrow, hun! xo

  9. I think I've said this before, but HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE ABS LIKE THAT AFTER HAVING A CHILD?!

    Argh, now I just feel a bit crappier about myself. :( Sorry, it's not your fault you look awesome (well, maybe it is, sort of...) I just wish everyone else out there was grossly obese, so that I'd look amazingly skinny.


  10. Ah, I think you must know this on some level (and I know how it feels to think things about yourself that you suspect might be false or ridiculous, but can't help thinking them anyway), but STILL I must reinforce the fact that you, my dear, are anything but average!

    Not in mind, and not in body - that picture looks niiiiice, I'd say that isn't a tiny little shadow of definition around your hips, it is much rather a... a HUGE big shadow of definition!!

    Also love your abs, and your ribcage... your entire abdominal area looks fabulous and skinny!

    Also, thanks for your comment, I really loved your vision of the handsome, manly stranger! :D
    Actually, the date did turn out to be a fiasco, not because he wasn't good looking though, it was more of an, uh, personality thing... I'll write it up for my blog now, I hope it'll at least make an entertaining read.

    Also, I'll take a picture of my lips for you at some point (I'm a bit paranoid about keeping my blogging existence semi-anonymous, but a picture of only one facial part can't hurt).

    Love you, love you to pretty bits <3