Monday, April 5, 2010

P.D!! Where the motherFRICK have you BEEN?!

That's certainly what I'd be wondering if I were you.

Well, here I am. It feels like I've been absent forever, but I know I haven't been. I think part of that is due to the fact that I've been really quite HORRIBLE at reading my favorite blogs in the universe (yours) and so therefore I feel completely and utterly detached from all that is important in this world...Yes. That surely must be it. I am missing out on so much; your lives are just living themselves out, passing me by, day by day, and I have no earthly CLUE what is going ON with you lovelies! It really does have this odd time-warping sort of effect on me...Perhaps I'm a big lame-o. Perhaps.

So I fear I'll have to give the shortest version possible of all that I have to say, just because little B is standing here singing random cutesy kiddie songs I've never heard and eating as much Easter candy as she pleases, making it very difficult for me to hear myself think. That, and it's nearing her bedtime and we have brand new library books tonight!!! Yay! I love library night. We usually keep the same books for about a week or so, just so that she can get a good grasp for the words and vocab and all that, but I always love the first night the best. Nothing like fresh books, children's lit or otherwise. ;)

I just took video of B doin' her do. I think I'll post it for your enjoyment.

I don't know what she's saying in the kitty one. It's something like, "My kitty is a scratcher, a scratcher, she always goes like this: Yum Yum! somethin' somethin'..." :P

The other one is "A tooty-tah" which is some ridiculously cute little dance song she learned at daycare. Arms out, elbows back, feet apart, knees together, bottoms up, tongue out, eyes shut, turn around..." Good shit, that is.

ANYway...Camping was good. Well...scratch that. Camping was okay, I guess. I got horrible sleep it rained early Sunday morning, so we got that nice, nastyhothumid weather trekking back to the parking spot. Upside was that our total hike (much of which was steep and rugged uphill rockclimbing type hiking) was about 8 miles...woohoo! And with my super awesome technique of eating very little (huh? huh? you like that?) added to the strenuous working out of my entire body as I scaled multiple mountains and caverns and whatnot, I am happy say that I weighed in at 136.0 this morning. I was 139 on Saturday, no? I've gotten pretty bad about my record keeping. I war with myself; still trying to maintain my disordered side to a certain extent because I'm not ready to part with it...just not ready to let it go...and yet making small adjustments here and there to try and make me feel less neurotic overall. I ...have no idea if that makes any sense. Having a three-year-old singing (as you can imagine from the video above) right next to you while you attempt to blog coherently is incredibly ...impossible.

Argh...I have this whole long post in my head that I'll have to save for tomorrow. I'm afraid of the subject matter, to be honest. It has very little, if anything, to do with my ED. It has everything to do with my life and my future. Love. K. And my past. Love. Relationships. If that kind of talk bores you to tears, you have been forewarned. But if you tend to totally dig that soap-opera/reality TV type drama, then please, do tune in. I'll probably be needing your input.

Oh, and I didn't mention...I ate today...far too much. I consumed ice cream again, and candy, and I think it's because I saw that 136 and it felt good and that dreaded "you deserve a reward" thought entered my head. In my mind, the ultimate rewards still = food. This must change.

I took my second little pill for the day a little earlier in the evening, hoping to perhaps alleviate some of the night sweats and bad dreams I've been experiencing as of late. My resting heartrate (usually at a relatively low 46 BPM or so) is now hovering at 88. My temperature is a constant 98.7 (normal for anyone else, but my normal temp is 97.6). I feel normal, other than the persistent aura of heat radiating from within me, and the occasional heartburn that wells up all out of nowhere, reminding me that my stomach is empty and full of nasty acid. Right now...well, all I can think of is food, and yet I know to eat would surely mean to make myself nauseous. I shall not do it. Instead, I will post this, hope that you lovelies are well, and lament the fact that I am not able to hide away with my laptop for hours and catch up on your lives, your happenings, your thoughts, your pains and pleasures, tragedies and triumphs...Alas, it is bedtime for my angel.

Until we meet again, my pretties...

EDIT:I...just...inexplicably...ate a banana. A ginormous banana.

I don't get it. Because I wasn't hungry and now my stomach hurts and I will weigh that much more tomorrow and that little bit more WILL matter...because it always matters. A little.

But only a little, right?

*sigh* Methinks a lax or three will help me feel ALL better. Love you.


  1. We missed you!!
    Or I did...
    Well that sounds bad-
    Like nobody else missed you.
    I'm high.
    Can you tell?

  2. Hey. She is so cute. I love kids. I'm only 15 so a long time till I know if I want them or not, but she is beautiful. Wow about your hike. Thats great. 8 miles uphillish. Wow. Good job on your loss. Don't worry about your binge. It happens to us all. Just sweat it off.

  3. Missed you too! You really outdid yourself P.D. Your little girl is the freaking cutest thing.

    B > Basket of kittens. She is that adorable!

    You sound like you're doing a lot better! No c&s, right? *high fives you*


  4. your girl is so cute!!! well if you feel weird missing us, let's feel weird together because I missed your posts too!!!
    stay strong

  5. There's nothing like a fresh book, indeed!
    And your daughter is cuteness personified, it bears saying again and again.

    I am rather fond of soap-opera style dissections of relationships, love and life, so I think I'll be tuning in tomorrow for sure :)

    Lots of love to you <3

  6. Missed you too! :) Camping always seems to end up getting wet and uncomfortable somehow...haha FUN.

    Your daughter is sooo cute! [: I love your voice too, doesn't that sound creepy haha. I'm all ears for hearing some relationship stuff, bytheway.

    Don't worry about eating, focus on your weight loss, congrats on that!
    Take care,

  7. Your daughter is SO cute! I love kids :)

    I am glad you got a good workout during camping! I am not too big on camping; it's all a bit too uncomfortable for me, and I want a comfy bed, indoor toilet and shower, and a hairdryer. But I enjoy camping way out in the fields behind my house in the summer! LOL Doesn't really count, I know ;)

    Congrats on the weight loss! We need to figure something out that you really love besides a food item, so you can use that to reward yourself instead of food. Nail polish? A couple new songs on iTunes? I am trying to think of something not so expensive, because you are going to be losing weight so fast that any reward that costs alot would break the bank!


  8. dan's nieces did the tootie-tah one at thanksgiving. its even better with three little girls and two drunken adults. :D the camping trip doesn't sound like it went too horribly. bad things always happen to me when i camp. disaster.

    congratulations on the 3-pounds-in-a-weekend loss! at least it was just a banana. think about if you'd eaten a lump of chocolate the size of that banana. then you'd REALLY be in the shitter. (i dunno if that helped, but i thought the shit pun at the end was funny).

    missed you!!

  9. Been hoping you'd post again. I don't comment very often but I do read your blog all the time. Your daughter is so cute =) Just want to hug her! hehe. And I understand about not being able to let go of the madness but still wanting it gone at the same time. I fight a battle against myself everyday for that exact same reason.
    Congratulations on your loss of weight =) Jealousy is taking over XD