P.D!! Where the motherFRICK have you BEEN?!

That's certainly what I'd be wondering if I were you.

Well, here I am. It feels like I've been absent forever, but I know I haven't been. I think part of that is due to the fact that I've been really quite HORRIBLE at reading my favorite blogs in the universe (yours) and so therefore I feel completely and utterly detached from all that is important in this world...Yes. That surely must be it. I am missing out on so much; your lives are just living themselves out, passing me by, day by day, and I have no earthly CLUE what is going ON with you lovelies! It really does have this odd time-warping sort of effect on me...Perhaps I'm a big lame-o. Perhaps.

So I fear I'll have to give the shortest version possible of all that I have to say, just because little B is standing here singing random cutesy kiddie songs I've never heard and eating as much Easter candy as she pleases, making it very difficult for me to hear myself think. That, and it's nearing her bedtime and we have brand new library books tonight!!! Yay! I love library night. We usually keep the same books for about a week or so, just so that she can get a good grasp for the words and vocab and all that, but I always love the first night the best. Nothing like fresh books, children's lit or otherwise. ;)

I just took video of B doin' her do. I think I'll post it for your enjoyment.



I don't know what she's saying in the kitty one. It's something like, "My kitty is a scratcher, a scratcher, she always goes like this: Yum Yum! somethin' somethin'..." :P

The other one is "A tooty-tah" which is some ridiculously cute little dance song she learned at daycare. Arms out, elbows back, feet apart, knees together, bottoms up, tongue out, eyes shut, turn around..." Good shit, that is.

ANYway...Camping was good. Well...scratch that. Camping was okay, I guess. I got horrible sleep it rained early Sunday morning, so we got that nice, nastyhothumid weather trekking back to the parking spot. Upside was that our total hike (much of which was steep and rugged uphill rockclimbing type hiking) was about 8 miles...woohoo! And with my super awesome technique of eating very little (huh? huh? you like that?) added to the strenuous working out of my entire body as I scaled multiple mountains and caverns and whatnot, I am happy say that I weighed in at 136.0 this morning. I was 139 on Saturday, no? I've gotten pretty bad about my record keeping. I war with myself; still trying to maintain my disordered side to a certain extent because I'm not ready to part with it...just not ready to let it go...and yet making small adjustments here and there to try and make me feel less neurotic overall. I ...have no idea if that makes any sense. Having a three-year-old singing (as you can imagine from the video above) right next to you while you attempt to blog coherently is incredibly ...impossible.

Argh...I have this whole long post in my head that I'll have to save for tomorrow. I'm afraid of the subject matter, to be honest. It has very little, if anything, to do with my ED. It has everything to do with my life and my future. Love. K. And my past. Love. Relationships. If that kind of talk bores you to tears, you have been forewarned. But if you tend to totally dig that soap-opera/reality TV type drama, then please, do tune in. I'll probably be needing your input.

Oh, and I didn't mention...I ate today...far too much. I consumed ice cream again, and candy, and I think it's because I saw that 136 and it felt good and that dreaded "you deserve a reward" thought entered my head. In my mind, the ultimate rewards still = food. This must change.

I took my second little pill for the day a little earlier in the evening, hoping to perhaps alleviate some of the night sweats and bad dreams I've been experiencing as of late. My resting heartrate (usually at a relatively low 46 BPM or so) is now hovering at 88. My temperature is a constant 98.7 (normal for anyone else, but my normal temp is 97.6). I feel normal, other than the persistent aura of heat radiating from within me, and the occasional heartburn that wells up all out of nowhere, reminding me that my stomach is empty and full of nasty acid. Right now...well, all I can think of is food, and yet I know to eat would surely mean to make myself nauseous. I shall not do it. Instead, I will post this, hope that you lovelies are well, and lament the fact that I am not able to hide away with my laptop for hours and catch up on your lives, your happenings, your thoughts, your pains and pleasures, tragedies and triumphs...Alas, it is bedtime for my angel.

Until we meet again, my pretties...
<3

EDIT:I...just...inexplicably...ate a banana. A ginormous banana.

I don't get it. Because I wasn't hungry and now my stomach hurts and I will weigh that much more tomorrow and that little bit more WILL matter...because it always matters. A little.

But only a little, right?

*sigh* Methinks a lax or three will help me feel ALL better. Love you.