Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Feelin' uberskinny today. Winnage.

All right guys, so I'm sorry for being so drama-tastic as of late. I do apologize, with full sincerity. I wouldn't blog about it if weren't really getting to me, really hurting me so badly that I absolutely had to get it out somewhere. I figured better have it out here than out in the real world where people can see it, gawk incredulously at the crazy lady, and then immediately phone the authorities of InsanityVille to have 'em come pack me up and take me it is I belong.

I'll have the talk with K this weekend, more than likely. The whole "saying 'I love you' first" bullshit isn't nearly the biggest of our issues, it's just what finally brought about the realization that I am not, in fact, getting what I need in a relationship from this one. Plain and simple. My therapist put all of this in simpler terms for me (which she is very apt to do, and does so quite often, I will say): "You've been making a lot of changes lately, finding answers to the question 'What does P.D. want?' and 'What does P.D. NEED from life, in order to be healthy, and happy?' These are things that you've neglected to address until now."

This is true. Seems silly, really. Doesn't everyone just go about their lives trying to be happy? No, apparently not. I've only very recently begun to turn a corner, decided to take a very gigantic step back to look at myself and see that I've spent years making everyone else happy except for my goddamned self. Every one of my very closest friends, and all of you lovelies, too! all give me such wonderful advice, and it's about time I start taking it, or at least start respecting and trusting myself enough to take it. They say you cannot truly love another until you fully love yourself. Wow. I've a lot of work to do.

ANYway. Enough of that for now. I'll let you know how things go with all of the K stuff as it happens, but I'm going to do my best to avoid obsessing over it. This girl needs no more obsession in her life than already exists within it, agreed?

SPEAKING of obsession... :D Here's something good for you...

Last night as I hid beneath my blanket, curled into a tight little ball in true hunger-pain-killing fashion, I came to a realization that's completely discordant with everything I've blogged over the past few days...Ha, so don't hate me.

I've got an insane crush on my children's lit. professor.


I'm not even joking.

And I think it's a bit hilarious that I can be so genuinely torn up over the state of my very serious relationship with K (nearly two years of a seemingly perfect love that may not be love anymore) and yet in the half-asleep twilight of my finally quiet room, in creeps an unbidden fantasy of... (okay, so maybe not completely unbidden...lmao...SHAMEFUL! )...who else? My ((married!)) English professor. AUSTRALIAN! ACCENT! And he's a writer. And he's so witty and charming with these amazing hazel eyes and curly hair and gah, I'm giddy like an effing schoolgirl and I don't give a shit! Haha...I make myself laugh with the ridiculousness of this one. He really is quite dreamy though. Like, head in the clouds dreamy. And although I'm fully aware that nothing will ever come of the googly eyes I may make at him in class, I can say that the stress relief these nighttime imaginings bring is well worth the disappointment semester's end will surely bring, as I may never get the chance to stare so longingly at him again...Ha.


Done with that.

Ummm... 133.6!!!

Yay!!! Getting there!!

Gotta run, my lovelies. Thank you so much for all of your support, you're everything I've ever needed before I even knew I needed you. <3


  1. yay so happy your getting down so fast ! :D good for you hun!

    and it's fine .. you can drama all you want to us, that's what i do lol :$
    and yes it is better than putting it into the world and writing it down and typing does make you feel better just releasing it and getting it out there not blocking it all in ! it helps!

    glad you felt skinnie :D that's great ! i felt like that this morning when my belly was skinnier than ever =)

  2. Keep in mind that topa causes mood swings, and sometimes depression. I am not discounting your issues with K. But you did just mention that you had nearly two years of a seemingly perfect love that may not be love anymore. I just want to makes sure these aren't misplaced feelings.

    Nuff said. You are a big girl.. full of passion. You deserve to be happy as hell!!

    I used to have crushes on professors too. Some were dorky as hell, but for some reason I'd want to pounce on them right there in front of everyone.

    Your still fricken losing WOOT! Good job Topa... oh, and you too P.D. ;)

    MUCH luv,
    xoxo zen

  3. im happy ur realisin what u want in life and being honest with urself =) thats always good.
    and your weight loss is amazing =) nice!

  4. Drama is sometimes interesting to read, especially when the drama is legit. You know? Some people have a lot to say about nothing. Others deal with real stuff, and I don't mind reading it! Especially when I feel I relate or have undergone similar feelings/situations.

    Two years is a very long time. Sometimes relationships get stuck in a rut. Maybe think about why you started dating? I bet you are a catch! You should definitely give yourself that idea, because as long as we aren't complete bitches(sometimes being a girl though, it happns) then we are all ONE IN A MILLION. So there.

    Maybe try and set some goals together, or plan something new together. start a hobby together, or find something you both already like to do. I dunno. Just my suggestions.

    Always always communicate and try to listen. I hope you figure things out!

    No binging! Stay strong :)

  5. First of all, this is a forum for you to share your feelings openly... so drama all you want. We care when you are feeling poorly!

    About the prof crush, I am notorious for them! Big time. Seriously. So I totally understand. Haha. He sounds INCREDIBLY dreamy. Confession of my own-- I tend to go for the awkward profs that really aren't that cute but are really personable and sweet because as I've mentioned on my blog, I have Daddy issues... Anyways, crush all you want!

    Congrats on the weight loss! You are only 2lbs away from where you started. Sooo close to the 120's :) What a thinspiration!

  6. Ha, that sounds just like me; even when I was in a very serious relationship (that I was often very torn up about), I would still get the most ridiculous crushes on the most inappropriate people, giggle like a school girl and love it :)

    Good luck for your talk with K., and I am SO rooting for you in finding out what it is you do acutally want and need to achieve happiness. <3

  7. Looks like you're well on your way to getting to know yourself! It's a little awkward. It's like some weirdo that your friends keep gushing about that you never want to meet. Then there she is, and you're locked in an empty room with the bitch.

    Become friends, and you'll feel less lonely.

    Australian accents melt my panties. Except for Dr. Chase on House. Never could get into him.


    p.s. If you want to shoot me an email some time to chit chat: