Monday, April 26, 2010

Some contradiction, for I am made of it:

I want my bones to show for always. I do not want them to disappear.

I want them to be even more prominent than they are now, everywhere, in graceful beautiful ethereal fairysplendor.

I want to retain my sense of self, my soulfulness, my inner angel, the qualities for which I am known and loved and valued by those who know me and by complete strangers.

I want control.

I want to be free of control.

I am not ready to give up this tool that I have, this instrument of loss that has obviously helped me and hurt me thus far, but I am intelligent enough to realize that I must be incredibly mindful and cautious.

I will continue to take my medicine. I will modify my dosage as my emotions dictate. It seems like the most logical thing to do at this point. I cannot allow myself to binge the way I did yesterday.

It was fucking disgusting.

I wantedneededhad to purge and I did NOT. It filled me, the failure, up to my throat and up to my eyes, I wanted to cry but there were no tears in me to spill over onto flushed cheeks.... There was no quiet place, no safe space, no time or escape to get rid of it...So I let it remain within me, making me gain.

130.0 today.

Up an entire pound from two days ago. AFTER laxies.

Thank you, xEllex, for you are lovely. Your words did comfort me this morning. You're an angel.

I shall take my medicine until it starts to make me less of P.D. again. And when that happens, I will decrease my dosage again, for it only seems to take a few days on 12 mg to make me feel normal. Then back to 25-50 as is necessary, and so on, cycling. I don't care. It's going to work or it's not. Only one way to find out. I'm going to try to wait til Friday to weigh myself. This, as I think it, sounds damn near impossible... But I can try, huh? Just hurry up and drink a glass of water right quick just as soon as I get up, before I even go to the bathroom, because then getting on the scale will be pointless anyway. EEeeeeaaassy. ;)

I had a lovely weekend, incidentally. Other than yesterday's binge, things were positively wonderful. I apologize for being a shitty follower as of late. I have no good excuses. I'm trying to catch up as I can, but finals are coming up this and next week, and I am SO far from prepared.

Love you, skinnies! Keep whatever capacity you can.


  1. Seriously lovely, don't let the binge get you down. Frankly I think 1lb up is good. I can go up as much as 4 after a binge. It'll come straight off again, it's not real weight gain. Have a good day today, drink lots and lots of liquid and I'm sure you'll see a drop. Staying away from the scales is a good idea. You tend to assume the worst and restrict more than usual and then when you finally get on you're like woah!

    Good luck with your finals!! Mine start in a few weeks..:S Sure you'll do great. Remember you can come back to this stuff, so if you need to ease up on the meds to get your brain in gear don't hesitate!

    Thinking of you xxx

  2. Dear P.D.,

    I admire you for declaring what it is, exactly, that you want. Surely this will help you stay focused - perhaps figuring out what you want is the first step to achieving it.

    To begin, begin. Right?

    I love you and I will be thinking of you. Good luck on your finals!

  3. I am very glad to know you had a wonderful weekend, besides the binge. It makes me happy knowing that you're feeling more like yourself. You certainly sound more like yourself!

    I think your cycling idea sounds like a good solution to the side effect issue. You'll be able to track how each dosage makes you feel that way, too. Let us know how you're doing!


  4. Fairysplendor. I like that.

    It is such a horrible feeling to binge and feel the food, every step of the way through. Luckily, 1 lb up is not a complete failure. I agree with Elle, it will come off in no time. Think of how happy you were to finally see 130 after sticking to 135 so long. 130 is good! Remember how hard you struggled to get out of the high 130's? 130 even is only a minor setback.

    Brush it off - you'll be alright :) Everyone does that at some point. I'm sure I'm gearing up to do that soon.

    Good job taking control of your dosage, futzing around with prescriptions can be daunting for some. Its great that you're attuned to how it makes you feel and that you're able to adjust it to make it do what you want. I hope it works out!!

    Don't let a slip get you down. You'll be back before you know it!!!