Monday, April 12, 2010

I did it! I finished my essay! UGH! FUCKING Murphy's Law at its BEST!

...and by BEST, of course, I mean effing WORST.


Whatever. It's over and done with now, right? I've de-stressed. I've taken my chest pains and headache and the tension in my throat and the tears that threatened to smear my hastily applied (and still shitty-looking) makeup and I've dashed them against the wall and said FUCK YOU!!! I'm done with that essay, and it was damn good.

I hope.

I'm done with my chemistry exam... and I passed.

I hope.

I'm still at 134.something, and I will be less tomorrow.

I hope.


I needed to scream this morning. I still kind of need to scream. Just to get it out of me. The pent up energy, the caged rage and the pain of holding it all in for too long and the sudden realization that the only ones who care to hear any of it are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away...Yeah, I'm lookin' at you guys....

It hurts. It does. God, it hurts. I've never seen it this way before.

K doesn't get it, and he won't ever get it. He doesn't want to.

We're falling apart.

Maybe that's why I couldn't write last night. My face was blank and my mind was a wall of white and black all at the same time and my eyes hurt like they wanted to cry and all I felt was empty anger but I didn't want to tell him, for once. For once, I wanted him to figure it out on his own. He never has to figure anything out because I'm an open fucking book all the damn time.

He never says he loves me first.

He always says it back.

But I need to hear it first.

I need to hear it when I'm least expecting it. I need to hear it as I drift off to sleep. I need to hear that I'm beautiful, I need to know that he feels fucking lucky to have me.

I decided that I would abstain from telling him that I love him, just to see how long it takes him to notice. How twisted is that? Just to see how long it takes him to say it first.

If it takes til Saturday, that'll be a week since I last said it.


I'm sorry. This is all out of nowhere, and I know you didn't come here to read about relationship drama. That's not what I'm about. How many times have I posted? Like, 190 or something? Somewhere around there. And how many deal with drama? Like, five? Maybe. I don't count that shit. Whatever.

I still have to go back to school. On the bright side (because you have to look for one in everything, right?) this kind of shit really does a fantastic job at suppressing my appetite.

I feel like starving for days.

Or...bingeing for days.

Depends on my mood. Thin line. Just have to be careful and stay away from food, and stay on my meds.

Does there exist in this world a man capable of loving me as deeply as I love him, loving Love the way I do, thinking himself the luckiest man on earth just to find himself beside me, the object of my affection? I am such a passionate, loyal, completely and hopelessly devoted woman...When I am yours, I... become you. My life in the hands of another, I am whole, and I live for his happiness. My every breath, my every day, I spend in endless search of new ways to make him smile...It's what I do... All I ask in return is to be loved completely, and to be seen and appreciated for all that I am.

I'm a fucking catch, goddamnit.


I'm inclined to say that K doesn't see it. Or at least he doesn't seem to.

Ah well, I should go. This is probably kind of long. I'm at Starbucks and I should be at school. I'll talk to K soon enough... I just don't want to have this conversation with him when I'm already stressed and anxious about other shit going on; it wouldn't be fair.

I love you, my pretties. I hope you are well. Stay strong, stay lovely...and uh...let's get skinny, shall we? :D



  1. Boys smell.
    Plain and simple. They are annoying and awful and frustrating and stupid.
    And we love them.
    But we should love our pretty little selves first. For having the strength needed to change into something worth being loved.
    We will be :) I have no doubts.
    Cheer up, lovely <3

    xoxox alisson

  2. I wish we weren't thousands of miles away...I've been away for a couple of days and I've missed your blog! Always so funny, honest, raw, true...

    You are a catch! That's the kinda thinking I like to hear!

    Sometimes we have to be careful with the games we play. I know nothing about K or your relationship but I know that with my ex I was constantly projecting my way of thinking and behaving onto him, and interpreting the fact that he didn't act the same way back as what it would mean if I did that. Make sense? Like he didn't say I love you a lot, he didn't give me compliments, or want to take pictures of me etc. When we had arguments he would stay really calm and rational, and not get upset. Shit like that. Totally the opposite to me, a veritable volcano of feelings and declarations. I would play games, like not call him and see how long it would take for him to get in contact. Thing is, some people really are just different, and that's all it means. They just don't think the same, it's not that they don't love you the same. Since splitting up (a year and a half ago) it's become very clear just how much he loved me, perhaps more purely and truly than I actually loved him.

    Like I said, that might not apply to K, but just thought I'd share! xx

  3. You sound like such a perfect girlfriend haha :)
    I think it's really important that things be equally balanced in a relationship...because nothing ever comes good of one that isn't.
    Of course, because I don't know you two, I can't give you any good advice, but I hope things go well between you two <3

    Congrats on finishing your essay bytheway :)

  4. I'm glad the essay and chem exam are out of the way for you and you can breathe again! Those kind of things are major pressure.

    I am sorry about the whole K deal. We all know how amazing you are and how lucky he is to have you, and I really hope he sees that, too. I think you need to drive somewhere quiet and free of people, and just scream at the top of your lungs, let some of that frustration out. You'd be amazed at how much better you'll feel. I hope for your sake that K takes it upon himself to say "I love you" first. Relationships are two-way roads, and he needs to understand that, if he doesn't already. Are you prepared to have a heart-to-heart with him if he doesn't make the "I love you" deadline? I know the convo might be really awkward and difficult, but I think if he doesn't say it, you need some sort of plan; otherwise you'll just be right back here again. Good luck, girlie!!


  5. Boys (men?) are absolutely impossible to deal with at times. And they can be SO fucking stupid.

    I don't know anything about the details with you and K, but I really believe that two people can love each other very much, but just be too very different to make a relationship work. Hence my current "married yet single" status...

    Just be yourself. Do what feels right to you. Things will happen the way they were meant to.

    Man, that sounded motherly, eh?

  6. You are SUCH a catch. And I hope he sees it. Hang in there. You are wonderful and beautiful and you deserve good things. Unfortunately, men are as imperfect as we are and relationships reflect the messed up humanness that we are always trying to cleans ourselves from. I hope you get to talk to him and that the talk goes well.

    YOU ARE A CATCH. You're so right. Don't forget it.


  7. There's so much of me in here, it breaks me heart. Hugs for you, P.D. All the hugs in the world.

  8. You are awesome.
    Guys are flakes.
    He has no idea he is being tested, or that you are upset, unless you tell him.
    Hence the "boys are stupid" theory.

    If you truly do not believe he loves you anymore, then there is definitely an issue.

    Otherwise, it is really hard to find men who are sensitive, caring, and emotionally mature. Because they all have boyfriends.

    I luv you girlie,
    xoxo zen

  9. Hey darlin,
    want to let you know that
    1. i love you
    2. i am proud of you
    3. i hope K realizes RIGHT NOW how truly lucky he is to have you
    4. i gave you the sunshine award back hehe. i couldn't resist. but don't feel like you have to go through tagging 5 people again

    talk to you later! <3

  10. If the worst of your worries is that K does not say that he loves you or that he doesn't outwardly shower you with words expressing his emotion, then I can't say you have a big problem on your hands. You haven't mentioned anything else, so I'm just going off of that.
    Men aren't verbal "feelers." They're not used to talking about their feelings with anyone because that's just how they're socialized. Men understand each other because they think alike. They're very literal, and since they don't communicate with other men through complex codes and "hints" the way women do, they just don't see it. It's not that they're stupid or that they don't care about you. They just express these things more literally. If he acts in a way that shows you he loves you, but he doesn't say it as often as you'd like, then don't make a huge deal about it. If you had a boyfriend who treated you like shit but told you he loved you all the time, you'd be twice as miserable.
    Really think about how he treats you before you say anything to him. If the only problem is that he isn't vocal about it, then just tell him calmly that you wish he would say it more. Because if the first thing you do is say you don't think he loves you because he doesn't say it enough, he will think you're crazy. Don't take your test as seriously as you think it is. I've done the exact same thing and it didn't amount to shit.
    Don't piss yourself off about things you don't know fully.

    It'll all work out, I'm sure.