Holy crap, did I lose a follower?

...Or am I imagining things? :( Awww... That's sad...

Anyway. I guess I can't make everyone happy.

Besides, it's YOU guys that are the REALLY cool ones, right? :D

RIGHT!
So you wanna hear something awesome?

135.8. Yes, that's after the effects of the laxies this morning, but still. I'll take it.

Right in the middle of a rather rambly email to Zen earlier, I found myself doing a little math (this doesn't happen often, as Math and I have a long, sordid past and we rather DESPISE one another) and came to find that 135.8 means I've lost a little less than five lbs in five days. That...makes me happy. I guess I really do get so caught up in my sheer impatience, my desire to see the 120s NOW NOW NOW that I'm failing to relish these victories, these small (and yet great) wins. This is good.

Dang it! I'm going to need to escape to write what I want to write...I'm sitting in my uncle's office, trying to prepare myself mentally to tell you all about the K thing. With my uncle walking about the house, I can never tell when he'll just walk in here and behind me... *annoyed errrgh sound*

Maybe it's not such a big deal about K. It's just that I'm a HUGE romantic. I love LOVE. SO much. I need happily ever after. It's my ultimate goal in life. I need to find my soulmate, fall madly and deeply and fully devote myself, get married and have a house and a garden and children and our careers that compliment our wonderful life together and we'll travel the world when our little ones are no longer little and life will just be...lovely. Filled with happiness because we have each other. Obviously this is very flowery and idyllic and far too perfect to be real, but you get what I'm saying. In my mind, finding my true love = true happiness. Over money, over possessions, over thin.

Yes.

I said it.

Granted, having both would be ideal. And I shall have BOTH.
But given the ultimatum between the two, my choice would be HIM. The one to whom I could give all of myself, and expect and accept as much in return. I'm such a sap.

ANYway. So when I was 14, I fell in love for the first time. Early, huh? Yeah, but I know it was love. Because it's still there, for the same man. He's now 25, and I'm 23, and it's never gone away. I still talk to him on occasion, and though we were only together for a few years, I was always certain that he was the one I'd marry, eventually. Like life was just having its way with us until we'd be free again, to find our ways back...to US. Because WE were...Good. What we had was more than good. What we had was amazing. What we had was enough to keep giving me liquid butterflies and weak knees even now, more than a decade later, hundreds of miles between us, through mere reminiscence. This worries me.

I have no place, no ground to stand on, no room to be jealous of the fact that he now writes beautiful poetry for someone else, and no longer for me. That he plays his guitar and sings love songs to another girl...and fuck, my heart aches in my chest because I know NOTHING of her and yet I fucking KNOW with all of myself that she has no CLUE what she holds in her arms! He is SO incredible, so strong and passionate and beautiful, and tender and mild inside, and sweet, and afraid sometimes, and he needs to be cradled and reminded that it's okay to cry (even though the world doesn't want him to) and then he will, just a little, and then he'll love you even more for letting his tears wet your hair...His lips...they used to be mine! God damn it, I can't stand to think of how all of him used to be mine...The passion that I feel right now for this man is only nearly eclipsed by the immense guilt in knowing I shouldn't feel it at all! For fuck's sake...

A year and nine months. That is how long I have loved K. Not that long, and yet I feel like I've already pledged my life to him. Why? We've not even spoken seriously of marriage. Why do I feel that an investment of time and emotion such as this automatically implies a lifelong commitment? I truly cannot bear the thought of abandoning him, nor do I wish to do anything of the sort. I do love him, and dearly. I do...My eyes sting with fresh tears just imagining a life...even a single day...without him.

My old flame...Perhaps that is what he should remain. They say that you'll always have that one, the one that got away, the first love. You'll always have feelings for them, but that's where it stays.

I just...I don't know why I can't forget him.

*sigh...*

I must go, my lovelies. Thank you for listening to this, my little oddity of a love post. Stay beautiful!
<3