Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Holy crap, did I lose a follower?

...Or am I imagining things? :( Awww... That's sad...

Anyway. I guess I can't make everyone happy.

Besides, it's YOU guys that are the REALLY cool ones, right? :D

So you wanna hear something awesome?

135.8. Yes, that's after the effects of the laxies this morning, but still. I'll take it.

Right in the middle of a rather rambly email to Zen earlier, I found myself doing a little math (this doesn't happen often, as Math and I have a long, sordid past and we rather DESPISE one another) and came to find that 135.8 means I've lost a little less than five lbs in five days. That...makes me happy. I guess I really do get so caught up in my sheer impatience, my desire to see the 120s NOW NOW NOW that I'm failing to relish these victories, these small (and yet great) wins. This is good.

Dang it! I'm going to need to escape to write what I want to write...I'm sitting in my uncle's office, trying to prepare myself mentally to tell you all about the K thing. With my uncle walking about the house, I can never tell when he'll just walk in here and behind me... *annoyed errrgh sound*

Maybe it's not such a big deal about K. It's just that I'm a HUGE romantic. I love LOVE. SO much. I need happily ever after. It's my ultimate goal in life. I need to find my soulmate, fall madly and deeply and fully devote myself, get married and have a house and a garden and children and our careers that compliment our wonderful life together and we'll travel the world when our little ones are no longer little and life will just be...lovely. Filled with happiness because we have each other. Obviously this is very flowery and idyllic and far too perfect to be real, but you get what I'm saying. In my mind, finding my true love = true happiness. Over money, over possessions, over thin.


I said it.

Granted, having both would be ideal. And I shall have BOTH.
But given the ultimatum between the two, my choice would be HIM. The one to whom I could give all of myself, and expect and accept as much in return. I'm such a sap.

ANYway. So when I was 14, I fell in love for the first time. Early, huh? Yeah, but I know it was love. Because it's still there, for the same man. He's now 25, and I'm 23, and it's never gone away. I still talk to him on occasion, and though we were only together for a few years, I was always certain that he was the one I'd marry, eventually. Like life was just having its way with us until we'd be free again, to find our ways back...to US. Because WE were...Good. What we had was more than good. What we had was amazing. What we had was enough to keep giving me liquid butterflies and weak knees even now, more than a decade later, hundreds of miles between us, through mere reminiscence. This worries me.

I have no place, no ground to stand on, no room to be jealous of the fact that he now writes beautiful poetry for someone else, and no longer for me. That he plays his guitar and sings love songs to another girl...and fuck, my heart aches in my chest because I know NOTHING of her and yet I fucking KNOW with all of myself that she has no CLUE what she holds in her arms! He is SO incredible, so strong and passionate and beautiful, and tender and mild inside, and sweet, and afraid sometimes, and he needs to be cradled and reminded that it's okay to cry (even though the world doesn't want him to) and then he will, just a little, and then he'll love you even more for letting his tears wet your hair...His lips...they used to be mine! God damn it, I can't stand to think of how all of him used to be mine...The passion that I feel right now for this man is only nearly eclipsed by the immense guilt in knowing I shouldn't feel it at all! For fuck's sake...

A year and nine months. That is how long I have loved K. Not that long, and yet I feel like I've already pledged my life to him. Why? We've not even spoken seriously of marriage. Why do I feel that an investment of time and emotion such as this automatically implies a lifelong commitment? I truly cannot bear the thought of abandoning him, nor do I wish to do anything of the sort. I do love him, and dearly. I do...My eyes sting with fresh tears just imagining a life...even a single day...without him.

My old flame...Perhaps that is what he should remain. They say that you'll always have that one, the one that got away, the first love. You'll always have feelings for them, but that's where it stays.

I just...I don't know why I can't forget him.


I must go, my lovelies. Thank you for listening to this, my little oddity of a love post. Stay beautiful!


  1. You know, you could easily get published.
    Fuck Nicholas Sparks, P.D. knows what REAL love is like.
    I don't really have any advice for you (I'm a firm believer in the whole 'too crazy to help other people' thing) but if you ever want to hear my RIDICULOUS love story, you can email me.
    It'll probably at least make you laugh.
    Oh- and those videos of B were SO CUTE!!!!

  2. PD, congrats on the weight loss!!! Yay! Its good to know that even though you idealize love, you still know that its not perfect, which is good.

    I love to read your writing, and I agree, you do rather have a flair for it! I'm so glad you write. I look forward to it everyday.

  3. That was a beautiful post, you write so intensely of it that I feel like I can almost feel what you are feeling for that man...
    That and the fact that I do sometimes have similar feelings for my own first love, still.

    It is indeed hard to figure out whether or not one should pursue this or feel guilty, inappropriate or foolish for it.
    Thanks for sharing this!

  4. OMG the weightloss is amazing!! Well done!

    I have a similar thing with an old flame. But sometimes I just wonder, how much of it is real, and how much of it is like you said, a love affair with love. I'm not saying that's what it is with you. But I go round and round in my head, trying to work out what is real and what is me just not being able to let myself be happy. Or is it that feeling that everything isn't perfect that should be listened too-is that the real feeling at the heart of it? I just don't know.

    Loves xx

  5. After reading this I texted D and told him I loved him. You are so eloquent, so descriptive, so full of feeling.

    I haven't any answers on the love subject (does anyone, really?)...in fact, I'm not even sure I believe in that sort of fairy-tale true love. I don't think that there is one true soul mate. I think we are capable of loving intensely more than one person. Maybe you never will forget that first. And you shouldn't, because you had good times with him and I'm sure it probably affected how you are today--every relationship (romantic or platonic) does, after all. I think that's totally okay, as long as it doesn't get in the way of your love for K. (And it does sound like you love K, very much so.)

    My completely unhelpful two cents. :)

    Congrats on the weight!


  6. Love is my true goal, as well. I don't need anything in the world but LOVE. That's all I need. It sounds so Christopher Drew haha, but it's so painfully true...that's my ultimate dream in life, is to find my soulmate...the one who makes me happy more than anything else.
    I have a question, who's your daughter's father, is it not K then? I'm sorry if I'm being nosy, but I've been wondering.

  7. OMG Congrats on the weight loss, girlie!! That's amazing!! I am so happy for you :)

    And I totally agree with you on "the one that got away". I will always love him, even though I know he is engaged to be married to his high school sweetheart, and I have even met her, so she is that much more real. I will always have the little part of my heart that belongs to him, and if he showed up on my doorstep today and told me I am the one for him after all, and he is leaving his fiancee, I would run back into his arms all over again.

    So I totally understand. xo

  8. I have never been in love :(
    But that is how I imagine how it would feel.
    Somehow it seems so much more potent when the person is just out of reach, yet you can still feel them. Oh... such a powerful emotion... so deep it hurts. I wonder if I will every be lucky to experience something so real someday.
    I am in awe of your experiences, you are so lovely!

    xoxo zen

  9. The only thing close to love that I've experienced was a crazy year-long infatuation on a smooth-talking, charismatic jerk that I thankfully woke up from one fine day when I realised how stupid I had been.

    From that day onwards, I decided I never wanted to fall in love because it's just too vulnerable.

    But still, this post made me smile. I'm glad you've got your special someone.

    P/s - Don't worry about still having feelings for your first love. It's impossible to not feel anything; that would totally negate those few years you were together.

    PP/s - Congrats on the amazing weight loss!


  10. we really all want the same thing. To have the house family life, with the one we love who loves us for more than thin... You're incredible
    you're a poet.
    it like your heart in words...
    glad for your weightloss :)