Thursday, April 8, 2010

Schmexy dreamland dreams...About HERSELF?!

First, I wanted to thank you all so very much for the amazing comments on my sappy-lovey-dovey-woe-is-me-cuz-my-heart-can't-figure-itself-the-fuck-out post. Really? You honor me TOO much. :D When I wrote that thing, my thoughts felt so scattered. In rereading it, I know I could write with much more feeling, much better grammar, and explain myself in more explicit language, were I given more time to think and listen to myself. To be honest, it felt like the words were all wrong, like my ideas escaped just before I was able to put them into sentences, so instead I just word-vomited all that I was thinking through my fingers into my computer (ew, sounds messy, huh?) Ugh, and I even misspelled "compliment." I mean, yes, that's correct, but in the way I used it in that post, it should have been "complement." I am so friggin' anal about spelling errors (only in my own work) it's insane.

Anyway. Thank you. It was incredibly comforting to read that you all understood what I was feeling, or could at least relate to it in some way. If not yet, I'm sure one day you will. Zen, I find it so ridiculously difficult to believe that you've never been in love. You're so wonderful! It will find you. :) Just be sure not to beat it off with a stick when it shows up, yeah? ;) <3 you.

I had the most wonderful dream the other night. AMAZING. In the dream, I woke up from a deep sleep and pulled back my comforter, feeling a little warm. I looked down at my legs and ...holyfuckshit...There'sthinspoinmybed...My legs looked INCREDIBLE. They were...like...My thighs weren't even touching as I was LAYING DOWN. I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped to my own mattress right there in my dream. I jumped out of bed and hopped in front of the mirror. My friend. My enemy. The soothsayer, and the deception artist. MY mirror. In MY room. With my lilac colored walls and scattered pictures of B and K and too much laundry for one overloaded full-time EVERYTHING woman to EVER clean...There was my reflection. And I was Perfect.

My lovelies...I can't even describe to you how beautiful that woman was, in that mirror. I stared. For a good solid five minutes, I allowed my eyes to trace every curve and line and angular shape as it connected bone to bone to shimmering, gleaming bone. Skin, taut, was smooth, and radiant. The eerie blue of B's nightlight cast glittering shadows that danced playfully between the dips and ridges of ribs that pretended to be mountains, falling fast and hard to their final swooping descent into a valley of almost-nothingness between my hips. GOD, my hips. They were angelic. Like nothing I'd ever seen. I remember feeling sheepish at this point, shy, as if I were a hidden voyeur at some secret, seedy peepshow in a rundown motel, discovering this beauty, this fairy, a diamond in the rough. It wasn't me, it couldn't be me...The thighs, long and lean and soft and hard all at the same time...The sight I beheld in that mirror took my breath away, made me laugh, even, in sheer glee, and sent shots of adrenaline through my stomach and chest with enough force to leave my heart still beating hard as I awoke...

Yes, I woke up. But it wasn't one of those, "Aw, shit, it was just a dream! That blows." No, it was more like, "God, that was incredible!" and then it makes the rest of your day feel lovely-type things. Yes. Thought I'd share.

Back to real life.
So the scale is creeping up again.

I'm not sure if this is due to the fact that Topa is notorious for influencing back-up issues of the gastrointestinal variety (read: if you eat anything heavy, it very well could stay with you all week/month/til your next child is born) or if it's because my body is balancing out and already becoming accustomed to the 50 mg dosage. If this is the case, of course, my first inclination is to take more. Problem is, the good doctor JUST okayed 50 *yesterday*... Yeah. If you recall, he initially prescribed 25, and I kinda-sorta-pretty much decided I was going to up myself to 50 allbymylonesome because I'm impatient and I like results NOW gahdanggit.

Well, I saw results.

Now I'm watching them slowly halt...and reverse...

My diet has been consistent, and my exercise has been good. Cardio hasn't been daily, but at least 4 to 5 times out of the week (which is apparently all that normal people do? I dunno...something I read...not to say that's okay, just statin'...).

Ah, I'm so tempted to kick it up 75 mg. You know? Just one more increment of 25. But these tiny pills are MIGHTY. NOT to be fucked with. And I don't want to underestimate their power. Yesterday, I drank approximately 120 ounces of water (over 3.5 litres) and found myself STILL thirsty by evening. This stuff really takes it outta you. But you know, I don't mind. As long as I'm sure to have water with me all the time, it's totally cool. Heh, and as I slipped into bed last night K couldn't help but notice, too: "Hey, your skin is...like, really soft. Did you start using some new lotion or something?" I haven't, but I'd noticed the change as well. I can only assume it's all that extra hydration. Kickass.

*sigh...* The question remains. Sure does. Don't pretend that it doesn't. Do I take more? More than I'm allowed? Shit. I don't know. I'll probably wait...maybe.

136.6ish. .8ish. Can't really figure out which. Obviously, we'd all like to go with the lower of anything, but we don't like to lie to ourselves, now do we?

Ha!! What a question!

I'm not going to answer that.

I should go. I have a consultation today to see if I should get tested for gluten intolerance. I've suspected this for quite some time, but it's only now that I've decided to go ahead and have a doctor look into it. I know it's nothing serious, whatever it is, but meh...couldn't hurt to use the University's discount health system while I have it at my disposal, right?

Oh, and guess what?

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3

7 comments:

  1. =) What a cute picture! You sound happy and that dream was practically orgasmic. Thank God for you blog!!! Your joy is contagious. Just thought I'd let you know. Have a great day!

    XOXO Sarah

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  2. Congrats on the 50 mg!!

    It has only been two weeks. You lost almost 5lbs the first week. It is normal for everyone to fluctuate a bit, (it was only 1lb) plus your sewage is backed up.

    I had to take laxies at first. He started you off on a very low dosage. As it increases, you will not eat as much, thus less poo issues.

    If do you take a laxie, you will have to drink even more water... fun. ;)

    much luv girlie,
    xoxo zen

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  3. That was one awesome dream! The BFG must have blown a sweet one through your window last night. (:

    *hugs*

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  4. you're so hilarious. i love your posts! =)
    and id say wait a little longer til you increase but then again maybe you shouldnt listen to someone who is afraid of any medication other than paracetamol =S
    and i love dreams like that. you just wake up and think "hell yeah" and your happy and motivated and skipping around the whole day =) its cool!
    xox

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  5. That was a pretty cool dream.
    I love those kind of dreams, they always leave me in a good mood :)
    xo.

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  6. That sounds like such an awesome dream!! :) I love dreams that seem so realistic like that.
    I can't offer any good advice on the Topa...but please be careful with it kay? <3
    xoxo

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