Friday, April 23, 2010

Today, Topamax dose gets cut in half...again.

Whether or not I'm ready to stop taking it completely (and this is still, indeed, undecided, as I do not feel I have exhausted every option available), I cannot simply stop taking my pills one day, and be all better. Seizures? No thanks. Extreme withdrawal (fatigue, depression worse than I suffer now, etc.)? No, I'm good on those, too.

My initial dosage was 25 mg. After close to a week, we upped to 50. My body and mind have always been highly sensitive to medications of all kinds, but especially psychotropic drugs such as this, and my Wellbutrin. As Zen once put it, "I got greedy." I wanted more loss, faster. I wanted more appetite suppression. I got what I asked for. I don't want it anymore.

Yes, I'm admitting a mistake. Ahh! She's fucking human! Ohmyfuckingjesuschristinahotpinksubmarine, she JUST SAID IT. Yeah, that's for all you fuckhead anonymous haters who wanna go and try to throw it in my face that I'm suffering for a choice I made. WAKE THE FUCK UP. We're all suffering for the choices we make, every goddamned day. Jesus.

End rant.

By the way, if you're an anonymous reader and you're a perfectly lovely person and you just adore reading blogs and you never go about spewing hateful comments from your mouth-hole for no reason other than to satisfy some other deep-seated bitter resentment of the world itself... Then, no, that sweet little diatribe up there was NOT for you. I love you.

It seems a tad silly, cutting a tiny 25 mg pill in half. But I'm doing it. If I can continue to take this drug and retain ME...I shall do it. If not...Well, then. I will ransack the hell outta that bridge when I come to it.

(In case you haven't noticed, I already feel quite a bit better. I've been taking 25 mg in the morning for the past few days, and haven't taken it yet today. About an hour after I swallow it? I'll be a pursed-lipped zombie without a soul for approximately two hours, and then I'll spend the rest of the day oscillating between thundering [though slow-beating] heart and extreme fatigue/depression)...Yes. You're right. I AM going to talk to my doctor.)

They're going to be so not okay with my weight loss.

ANYway. I'm happy... wait...did I just say that? YES! I'm happy about 129.0 today. Why? Because yesterday I made myself eat. That wasn't fun. But I did it, and I feel less weak today, and I still lost a little. It was only about 900, but it was still something. Mostly protein shakes and yogurt. I'm not happy that my boobages have managed to shrink AGAIN. We're talking like, nearly As now, ladies. On my nearly 5'7 frame. TEENY tits. Yuck. Need some saline, stat!

I feel like I'm rambling. I'll let you skinnies go. As always, thank you for your especially supportive comments...Goodness knows I've needed them desperately throughout this entire ordeal. You're my family.

Stay lovely. <3


  1. hahaha i laughed alot reading this post.. you seem better! your really funny :D i'm happy that you are lowering your dosage and that you are eating and losing! :D FANTASTIC!

  2. My lovely fantastic wildly crazy.. (a super-duper good crazy) P.D. is returning to me.

    I am BEYOND ecstatic!

    SO happy infact that I peed myself a little bit.

    I am like a puppy, dancing around so excitedly that you have FINALLY come home... and you need to walk me asap.

    LUUUUUUV you girlie!!!!

  3. I'm glad that you are making a good choice for yourself. I want you to be ok, to not be having all of these scary side effects! I envy your weight loss though. Really I do. But you being alive and healthy to take care of your little one is the most important thing!

  4. i didn't know jesus had a hot pink submarine.
    i must have missed that part of the new testament.

    when you go off of the "t-max" (i forget who i saw call it that, but i am stealing it!) do you think you'll be disappointed when you start gaining back the weight as easily as you've just lost it? though you might regain your soul, i just don't want you to find another medication or outrageous diet to facilitate more weight loss. always bear in mind that your desire to lose weight is just a by-product of the real issue at hand. be constantly on the look out for another by-product to replace it. control, satisfaction, self-confidence, self-assurance, stability... you can find them all in different places as long as you are willing to look.

    your posts wouldn't be scatterbrained and all over the place is you weren't in tune with yourself and your needs. with that alone, i know you will be able to figure this all out.

    stay schmexy


  5. yayyy you sound so much happier today - more like yourself :)

  6. You should be happy!! Way to go :)

  7. P.D. I am SO happy you're sounding more like yourself! I am glad you're happy about your accomplishments, are that you're not just continuing on the Topa at the higher dose. I hope cutting the 25mg in half works! xoxo

  8. All God's chillun's got fambuly hee-uh (I'm from Alabama, I can talk like that)I agree with Sottile, you're really writing like yourself again. The spark is coming back to our dear PD! You do what you need to do to feel better, hear? Hear, hear!
    Love you babe

  9. I haven't seen the Anonymous comment but I just ran across a comment of yours on Zen's blog, something about not being in the underweight category yet? Jesus. We're talking about being mentally, as well as physically sound. And it's easy to make those changes in giant leaps if you lose control mentally. What a dickwad.

    I'm glad you're unbothered and are sounding like yourself. Hmmm will your doctor actually want to weigh you or just ask? There are loads of tricks for hiding weightloss from docs if they do want to weigh you.

    Oh and babes, unless your boobs have magically disapparated practically overnight, by the looks of that pic you posted you have nothing to worry about! I do sympathise though. I figure boobs can be bought, skinniness however cannot be faked (well maybe with HELL of a lot of liposuction...).

    Loves xx

  10. In addition to my lurve, I've given you a Sunshine award!

  11. Please, I do NOT deserve such excessive praise. Seriously, you're embarrassing me! I'm so not amazing. For starters I'm lazy and just sit on my ass. And I'm a binge monster. Praise me when I discover some self control and develop some sort of gym obsession. I admire girls who stay focused and lose large amounts of weight-my weightloss is small in comparison.

    And I don't look skinny. I have stupid bone structure, I just look small. Having said this I was really rather pleased with myself when last night a guy called me 'tiny' (*beams*). You're shooting down the scales and you're gonna look amazing!! Far better than I do without needing to lose as much because you have bones! Aah your collarbones, and your hipbones, lush! From pictures I would swear you weighed less than me. In fact I'm still not sure I believe your weight. What are your bones made of, lead? You look so skinny!

    Don't worry about the binge love, it happens to us all, and you've been doing so well. Did you ever imagine you would be able to go this long without binging? Just re-read your posts about C&S, you're doing sooo well. I salute you. The binge is a blip and it'll be out your system in no time.

    Without being a total sycophant, <3 u more, you're AMAZING-ER!! (no you hang up, no YOU hang up..!)

    Elle x